Eighty-Nine Dollars

Eighty-nine dollars is a lot of money to some people.  To other people, it doesn't mean much.  For me, it's somewhere in the middle.  I'm at a point in my life where I don't have to count how much I'm spending at the grocery store when I put things in my cart (I'm having flashbacks to trying to shop at Whole Foods years ago when I couldn't go over $20) but I'm also not at the point where I can spend $100 on a dinner and not get agita.

About six weeks ago I had a muscle in my back tense up and it HURT!  I'm not talking the kind of "I slept wrong" or "I pulled a muscle and it'll be OK in a few days" hurt.  I'm talking the "I am popping Advil like I own stock in it and I've been cuddling with my heating pad more than my husband" kind of hurt.  

I decided to go get a massage.  I was hoping that would help.  So I forked over $119 (plus tip!) to see if it would help.

It did...but it didn't.  I knew that it was a good decision to go, but the massage therapist told me the muscle was so tight he couldn't completely break it up.  I was still in pain.  

Two weeks later I went back and that's when I made a decision for myself.  I signed up for the monthly membership.  I get one massage a month for $89 (plus tip!).  It's money I could save for my kids' college.  It's money that I might use to send my kids to camp.  It's money that I could use to get my kids new shoes, or clothes, or piano lessons, or a birthday party, or toys, or...

Wait.

Maybe I could spend some money on myself???  Maybe I could take one hour a month to do something for me???  Maybe I could do something to relax and stay healthy???

It's funny how parenthood changes you.  When I was young and single I could do whatever I wanted for me.  I could spend my money any way I wanted because it only impacted me.  When I met Derek we both earned enough money that we could, for the most part, spend money any way we wanted.  The spending only impacted us but we were able to afford it.  Once Derek and I had kids, my earnings went down significantly and our spending went up.  My relationship with money changed.  For years my idea of splurging was buying lunch at Chipotle for 8 bucks but I definitely wouldn't buy a drink because who had two dollars for a soda?!?!?  With kids who are now more independent and my ability to work from home, I'm earning money again.  And I decided that I can take $89 a month for me.

It seems like a little thing, but it's not.  As a parent, we give up everything for our children.  We give up time, sleep, vacations, etc.  Slowly but surely we have to learn to take our lives back.  My kids are living their best lives - summer camp, chess club, music lessons, play dates, movies on demand, etc.  Maybe it's time I started to live my best life again as well.  If it's $89 to achieve that, I think it's worth it.

The Parent Test

Has it really been two years since I posted?  That's insane.  But it also makes some sense.  Life with almost 11 year old kids is much less chaotic than life with a couple of 4 year old kids.  Things are calmer.  The house is (just slightly) less messy.  My daily life is calmer.  The crazy behaviors of toddlers and young children have started to wane.  I have more time to be me and pursue my own life since I don't have to watch the kids every waking moment of their lives.

I now have tweens.  I have not been excited for the upcoming moody teen years.  That is something that I have always predicted would be rough.  Although I'm still not excited for the eye rolling and the mood swings, it doesn't scare me quite as much because I see that there are some positive parts to that stage, too.  My mother said she liked the teen years because she could have conversations with my brother and me that were more interesting and I get that now.

Our family conversations recently got interesting thanks to a TV show called "The Parent Test".  It's a reality show where parenting styles are "tested" with challenges to see which parenting style produces the most emotionally healthy kids and families.  The 12 styles include traditional, intense, free-range, negotiation, and more.

Yes, I know this is reality TV.  Yes, I get that this is not a scientific study.  Yes, I get that no parent is 100% of a style 100% of the time.  As I look at my own experiences as a parent I realize that I am a mix of a bunch of styles.  Sometimes I'm more permissive, sometimes I'm stricter, sometimes I'm more hands on, etc.  

This show was going to be for me and me alone.  However, my kids saw a commercial for it and wanted to watch it.  I was skeptical.  After watching a few episodes - first by myself and then with my kids - we have had some great conversations about why some parents push their kids to do math problems on the weekends, force their kids to eat food they hate, allow them to play in the dirt, etc. and why some parents do the exact opposite.  The show also has brought up issues of racism, abuse, and other heavy issues.  The show is helping them see that the choices we make as parents in a very messy, complex world are made out of love and because we want to teach skills that we think they need.  They are also learning there is not one right way to parent and no parent is perfect.

Reality shows get a bad rap.  I'm still angry about a network thinking "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire" was a good idea but gay marriage destroys the **cough cough** sacred **cough cough* institution of marriage.  But sometimes reality shows have a silver lining and can teach us a little more about the world and human experiences.

Leaving the House

Today the kids and I left the house for a play date at a playground.  Do you know what happened?  I told the kids we were going to leave the house soon.  They got ready.  We left.

That's it.  End of story.

This may seem very unremarkable and it really is.  That's actually my point.  It doesn't feel like too long ago getting out of the house was a chore.  I would often be exhausted before I even got to my destination.  At first, excursions out took 30 minutes of packing a diaper bag with formula, bottled water, diapers, wipes, toys, a change of clothes, and more.  Later, leaving the house had to be carefully timed around naps and feedings.  As the kids got older we had to remember favorite stuffed animals, books, and snacks.  Often getting out of the house meant tears because someone wanted to stay home and play with trains or watch a cartoon.  And don't even get me started on tying shoes.  Many parents know that when a child wants to tie their own shoes that can add a good 15 minutes to the leaving the home process!

I never thought these easy (well, easier) days would come.  I remember touring several elementary schools when the kids were three years old and seeing third graders independently doing their school work.  I literally could not imagine my kids at that age, but here they are.  They make their own breakfasts and lunches several days a week, they play in their rooms independently, and they can often get themselves ready to leave the house (with a water bottle and a snack) in 10 minutes or less.  

Years ago I remember telling my mom that I was not looking forward to the teenage years.  My mom said she actually enjoyed those years with her kids because she got to speak to us on a new level.  As my kids get older, the teen years seem less overwhelming.  I do enjoy watching their independence grow, their sense of humor mature, and their brains tackle more complex issues.   

Next up -- leaving the kids home alone.  I know that level of independence is coming down the pipeline soon and then Derek and I can finally have a date night!!!

Independence

Many years ago when my kids were little (or maybe before they were even born?) I read an article that has stuck with me.  It talked about the sadness parents feel as their kids grow up.  Parents lament the losses: the smell of a new baby's head, walking down the street and your kid grabbing your hand, pushing your kid on a swing, etc.  As kids grow up, their worlds get larger and their connections to parents become weaker.  

For Hannukah my parents gave my kids Baketivity.  It's a monthly baking kit for kids that arrives in the mail.  Most of the dry ingredients are in the box as well as instructions and a little fun activity page.  So far we have baked chocolate and vanilla cupcakes to create a panda, snowball cookies and red velvet cupcakes.  My kids have told me in no uncertain terms that I am to stay away from the kitchen when they do these projects and let them bake alone.

The fear a parent has allowing their kitchen to be taken over by an unsupervised 8 year old is significant.  You wonder if powdered sugar will be found in the vegetable drawer or if red food coloring will permanently stain the ceiling.  You worry your child will get cut or burned.  You fret about having to eat an overly salty cake or rock hard cookies and while still rubbing your tummy and saying "Sooooo delicious.  Yum!"

But the reality is that although my kitchen is a total mess after they bake, there is value to giving them that independence.  They have such pride in showing us their creations and serving us dessert after dinner.  Aaron has even made up recipes and shared his creations with our neighbors.  (We were guinea pigs first and tried them before subjecting our neighbors.)  Cooking has been a way for my kids to gain independence, confidence, and life skills.

The article I mentioned before said that as parents we don't hold a baby in our arms thinking "I hope you live in my basement and stay dependent on me until you are 40 years old."  Parents have dreams that their kids will become an astronaut, develop a cure for a disease, or improve the world in some way.  We have to remember that if we want that to happen, when our kids wriggle their lilttle hands out of our hands, we have to let go, not grip tighter even if that means they are running into the kitchen to smear butter on the cabinets and sprinkle sugar on the stove.

Just One Moment

I will forever be grateful to my friend Jody.  

During my senior year of college I took a six week American Sign Language class for fun.  I have always loved languages and I really enjoyed the class.  A few weeks after the class ended Jody invited me to see a production of "Blithe Spirit" she was stage managing that was performed in ASL.  Watching that show was mesmerizing.  I was hooked on learning more about the language and culture.  

Fast forward a couple years and Jody and I had both completed our first tour as actors.  I had joined a second tour and Jody had moved to New York City.  One day we were talking and she mentioned her work as a sign language interpreter.  "WHAT???  *mind blown*  That's a job?!?!?!  I had no idea I could use ASL for work.  That conversation put me on a path of a new career.  It's a career that has provided me with a whole new community, new friends, flexibility to work while pursuing other interests, and the ability to work all over the country.  

This morning Aaron and I were at the kitchen table together.  I was reading an article about the top inventions of 2020.  One invention was a robot that was designed to support a child's social skills.  We talked about why kids would need something like that.  We discussed what autism means, how that impacts someone's ability to socialize, and how an invention like this could help.  

After the conversation I wondered if Aaron would remember this moment years from now.  I think about those interviews with people who accomplish great things who say things like "I remember when I walked by a homeless man with a dog and that let me to start a non-profit to create a homeless shelter that accepts pets" or "I had a neighbor who was blind and that inspired me to become a teacher at a school for blind children."  

I don't imagine Aaron will work with robots.  Aaron is not into math, science and technology.  Today will probably not be one of those life changing moments for my kid.  However, I wonder if, 20 years from now, we will be able look back at a moment, an experience, a person, or something else in my kids' lives that put them on a specific trajectory.  

One more story: when I was four years old I went to go see "The Nutcracker."  Five minutes into the show I was hooked.  At that moment I knew I wanted to perform.  It's a feeling that has stayed with me for 40ish years.  I wonder if my mom had taken me to a science museum that day instead of a ballet, maybe I would have invented that robot in the magazine.  We'll never know for sure, but it's fun to consider the possibilities.

Peers

A thought has been running around my head today.  It's a thought that pops up in my head from time to time and today it has been swirling around again.  

I think the thought appeared because I had a (socially distanced and masked) conversation with some lovely neighbors who have kids the same age as mine.  We were talking about what this year has been doing to our kids on every level: academically, socially, mentally, emotionally, etc.  Our general consensus for our families is that we are not overly stressed about our kids on an academic level.  We are more concerned about what is happening in our kids' brains and hearts.

So the thought bouncing around my head is this: the kids who are my kids' peers are really the ones who determine if my kids will thrive or crumble.  

Stay with me for a minute as a I ramble...

Today we watched a show in which two boyfriends competed as a team.  After winning the competition one boyfriend proposed to the other.  My kids had no questions about it.  They didn't see this as anything unique or different or needing an explanation.  (Of course having gay dads is the main reason this is just normal for them.)  And I thought to myself that when kids accept gay couples as just a regular part of life it changes how they react to others.  When a friend comes out in high school (or junior high even) as LGBTQIA++ that kid could face two realities: he/she/they could be supported or ostracized.  That child could feel safe and comfortable and happy and accepted and all those other warm fuzzy feelings, or the child could become the laughing stock of the school and talking with that person could be social suicide.  The other kids in school have such power over that kid just based on their responses.  What makes that child different could become a positive or a negative based on how other kids react.

The same holds true for a kid with a stutter.

Or a kid in a wheelchair.

Or a kid who is homeless.

Or a kid with autism.

Or a kid who is bi-racial.

Or a kid who is overweight.

Or a kid who is any number of things that don't fit our majority version of our world.

As my kids grow up and boys and girls separate, jocks hang out together and look down on the awkard kids, cool girls decide who isn't cool, smart kids get labeled as "nerds" and sometimes try to hide their academic skills, and everyone finds their own groups the judgement becomes harsher.  This year I can't imagine almost any kid coming out of the pandemic unscathed in some way.  Kids will lose friends due to isolation, feel more anxious due to a parent's stress, struggle with academic subjects, and more.  Every kid could use a little kindness and acceptance as we make our way back to some sort of normalcy in a few months.  Can you just imagine a world in which kids supported each other instead of judged each other?  Can you picture a world in which every child felt safe around their peers to just be who they want to be?  My dream is for my kids to be in school, focus on learning, and not worry about what others want them to be.  

I guess, after writing this, my dream is nothing new or revolutionary.  It's just worrying about what my kids will face as they grow up.  Peer pressure is real.  All those "-isms" we read about are real.  

But what if they weren't?  What a beautiful world that would be.

COVID-19 and Parenthood

Here we are.  We are more than 8 months into the COVID-19 pandemic and we still have no end in sight.  Things were a little better in the summer but now everything is going to hell and we don't even get a handbasket.  I recently had the same conversation twice and it went like this.

OTHER PERSON: How are you holding up?

ME: I'm fine.

OTHER PERSON: Really?

ME: Yeah, I am a homebody.  I'm enjoying not having to wear dress shoes to work, not getting in my car to fight traffic every day, and I'm actually working more and earning more money than I have in the past because I'm not dependent on squeezing in work during the few hours the kids are in school.  I'm definiltey one of the fortunate ones.  But the hard part of all this is my kids.  I don't know if I made the right decision for them and I'm worried this pandemic is hurting them.  That crushes me.

In August conversations schools started.  I attended a bunch of Zoom meetings to hear how my kids' school was going to keep them safe.  I started to learn more about ventilation systems than I ever thought I would.  Emails and texts between parents were flying around asking what people heard and who knew what and who was pulling their kids out versus who was fighting to keep schools open.  Suddenly I became one of those parents who got involved in school issues.  I looked up the school committee's email and starting asking questions.  At one point I made a list of 27 questions.  Some were complex (like "what's the social-emotional value of being in a classroom if you can't play with your friends?") but most were simple (like "what does a mask break look like?" or "will kids be doing work on paper or will it all be on computers?").  The school board directed me to their website and the FAQ tab.  

I looked.

I emailed again and said the FAQs gave me one answer and I still had 26 unanswered questions.  The school board told me "We won't have all the answers to hybrid learning.  If you're uncomfortable with that you should maybe consider the remote option."

I spoke with a friend.  She said, "That's odd.  I asked a million questions about the remote option.  I was told 'We won't have all the answers to remote learning.  If you're uncomfortable with that you should maybe consider the hybrid option.'"

$#*!  @**#^&  !&#%

That was no help at all.

We wound up pulling the kids out of school and going remote.  All was fine for a while - well, as "fine" as things can be in 2020.  As we move into darker, colder and more lonely months I worry if I made the right decision.  I think I did, but who knows.  In the last two weeks this has happened in my circle of friends...

• A friend who works at a school got an email Monday night saying school was closed ASAP until January
• One family got COVID (mom, dad and two kids) and one was hospitalized for over a week
• Another family got COVID (mod, dad, and two kids one of whom is 2 years old)
• A friend had 5 extended family members test positive
• A friend's wife is battling serious after-effects of COVID about 7 months after she tested positive
• Another friend and his brother tested positive
• A friend's mother tested positive
• A relative of mine
• A friend's grandfather went into the hospital (not for COVID), contracted COVID and died
• Two of Derek's co-workers had scares with COVID in their family
• A friend's son's entire class is now quarantining and that son is considered a close contact

Our governor (who is Republican but has a heart and a brain and courage) recalculated the risk of each city.  Somehow, two weeks ago, we went from 121 cities in Massachusetts that were at the red level to 16 because of a new formula.  A week later the number doubled.  We went to 30 cities in the red and then the governor suggested towns not in the red should get all kids back in school 5 days a week and any red city should do hybrid instead of remote learning.  My jaw droopped.  I get that the numbers are showing that schools aren't major spreading centers, but is that perhaps because thousand of kids in our state (and maybe millions across the country?) are NOT in school.  Can we really say that adding more kids into the mix is a good idea now?  I am not a scientist but my guess is that even if kids aren't symptomatic, more kids will catch it and bring it home to parents.  The map was updated again a few days ago and we're now at 62 cities in the red.

I'm risk averse.  I know that about myself.  And I get that most people who get COVID will get sick, recover after a week or two and be fine.  But if I'm one of the few who isn't lucky, I can't imagine it.  I don't want to have brain fog so bad I can't remember if I ate dinner an hour ago or not.  I don't want my kids to develop a heart condition that could cause problems for years.  I don't want to go into the hospital because I can't breathe and worry my kids.  

With Thanksgiving coming up I am angry.  I am angry that people feel that they need to eat a freakin' piece of turkey and a slice of pie with someone more than they need to protect their neighbors.  

I just don't get it and I am fearful of the world we live in now.  I don't like the world my kids are entering and that isn't a good feeling.