Halloween

Wow...once again it has been a long time since I posted.  I do think about this blog quite a bit.  In the mornings while I'm getting the kids ready for school or after a particularly deep or funny conversation I think to myself "I need to write about that" and then never do.  I get busy with a million other things.  Yesterday alone I went to Walmart and Costco, cleaned the house (ugh...I never got to raking leaves), dealt with invoices, cooked dinner, helped with homework, sent emails booking bass and trombone lessons, emailed the Hebrew school, had a conversation about the war in Israel with the kids, ordered holiday gifts, and more.  

It.  Just.  Doesn't.  Stop.

The other thing I did was I drove to a fancy donut shop to get Halloween donuts.  I love donuts.  And I love Halloween.  I got so excited when the kids were little and they started to understand the concept of Halloween.  I had fun when they started to pick out their costumes, talk about their favorite candies, and watch "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" and other Halloween specials.  Since moving to our home we have gone trick or treating with the same neighbors every year and it has been wonderful to watch the kids get more independent.  Our street is mobbed on the holiday and we get maybe 150-200 kids coming to our house.  It's so much fun.  Many neighbors put up elaborate decorations and we have turned our garage into a haunted house the last two years complete with boxes you can put you hand in to touch eyeballs, brains, spiders legs, witches teeth, skin and more.

So this year, when I asked my kids what they planned to do for Halloween and they shrugged and didn't seem excited, my world collapsed.

They're only 11 and a half and they should be out grabbing as much candy as they can.  One kid planned to trick or treat with a couple friends and will just put on the hamster pajamas they use for sleeping.  The other said he planned to watch a movie with a friend.  "Don't you want any candy this year?" I asked.  "I guess I can throw on my costume from last year and hit a few houses before the movie" was the reply.

The disappointment isn't so much about the fact that I won't get to secretly steal some Baby Ruths and Reese's Pieces -- although if I'm being honest that is part of the disappointment.  The disappointment comes from the fact that childhood is ending.  The days of tickle fights and silly voices and piggy back rides are ending.  As one friend just said, "You never know when something will be your last."  I knew I didn't have many years left to go out on Halloween with my kids, but I didn't realize this year would be so different than the last one.

This time is coming with a lot of good and bad.  I love that I went back to work full time as a freelance interpreter.  My kids are old enough for me to do that now.  I miss that they used to have simple problems I could solve with a lollipop and a hug.  I love that I can have complex conversations about the world with them.  It can be hard that they experience the world without me when they go into town with their friends for lunch.  

With every letting go I still think back to an article I read many years ago.  The article said that allowing our kids to be independent is hard, but the alternative of them depending on us forever is never what we dream of for our kids.  So although I feel like I'm losing something, I'm actually gaining something.  I get to watch my kids become independent, navigate the world, and gain confidence in themselves.  If I feel sad about it, at least I bought a giant bag of chocolate to hand out and can steal a few pieces.

Eighty-Nine Dollars

Eighty-nine dollars is a lot of money to some people.  To other people, it doesn't mean much.  For me, it's somewhere in the middle.  I'm at a point in my life where I don't have to count how much I'm spending at the grocery store when I put things in my cart (I'm having flashbacks to trying to shop at Whole Foods years ago when I couldn't go over $20) but I'm also not at the point where I can spend $100 on a dinner and not get agita.

About six weeks ago I had a muscle in my back tense up and it HURT!  I'm not talking the kind of "I slept wrong" or "I pulled a muscle and it'll be OK in a few days" hurt.  I'm talking the "I am popping Advil like I own stock in it and I've been cuddling with my heating pad more than my husband" kind of hurt.  

I decided to go get a massage.  I was hoping that would help.  So I forked over $119 (plus tip!) to see if it would help.

It did...but it didn't.  I knew that it was a good decision to go, but the massage therapist told me the muscle was so tight he couldn't completely break it up.  I was still in pain.  

Two weeks later I went back and that's when I made a decision for myself.  I signed up for the monthly membership.  I get one massage a month for $89 (plus tip!).  It's money I could save for my kids' college.  It's money that I might use to send my kids to camp.  It's money that I could use to get my kids new shoes, or clothes, or piano lessons, or a birthday party, or toys, or...

Wait.

Maybe I could spend some money on myself???  Maybe I could take one hour a month to do something for me???  Maybe I could do something to relax and stay healthy???

It's funny how parenthood changes you.  When I was young and single I could do whatever I wanted for me.  I could spend my money any way I wanted because it only impacted me.  When I met Derek we both earned enough money that we could, for the most part, spend money any way we wanted.  The spending only impacted us but we were able to afford it.  Once Derek and I had kids, my earnings went down significantly and our spending went up.  My relationship with money changed.  For years my idea of splurging was buying lunch at Chipotle for 8 bucks but I definitely wouldn't buy a drink because who had two dollars for a soda?!?!?  With kids who are now more independent and my ability to work from home, I'm earning money again.  And I decided that I can take $89 a month for me.

It seems like a little thing, but it's not.  As a parent, we give up everything for our children.  We give up time, sleep, vacations, etc.  Slowly but surely we have to learn to take our lives back.  My kids are living their best lives - summer camp, chess club, music lessons, play dates, movies on demand, etc.  Maybe it's time I started to live my best life again as well.  If it's $89 to achieve that, I think it's worth it.

The Parent Test

Has it really been two years since I posted?  That's insane.  But it also makes some sense.  Life with almost 11 year old kids is much less chaotic than life with a couple of 4 year old kids.  Things are calmer.  The house is (just slightly) less messy.  My daily life is calmer.  The crazy behaviors of toddlers and young children have started to wane.  I have more time to be me and pursue my own life since I don't have to watch the kids every waking moment of their lives.

I now have tweens.  I have not been excited for the upcoming moody teen years.  That is something that I have always predicted would be rough.  Although I'm still not excited for the eye rolling and the mood swings, it doesn't scare me quite as much because I see that there are some positive parts to that stage, too.  My mother said she liked the teen years because she could have conversations with my brother and me that were more interesting and I get that now.

Our family conversations recently got interesting thanks to a TV show called "The Parent Test".  It's a reality show where parenting styles are "tested" with challenges to see which parenting style produces the most emotionally healthy kids and families.  The 12 styles include traditional, intense, free-range, negotiation, and more.

Yes, I know this is reality TV.  Yes, I get that this is not a scientific study.  Yes, I get that no parent is 100% of a style 100% of the time.  As I look at my own experiences as a parent I realize that I am a mix of a bunch of styles.  Sometimes I'm more permissive, sometimes I'm stricter, sometimes I'm more hands on, etc.  

This show was going to be for me and me alone.  However, my kids saw a commercial for it and wanted to watch it.  I was skeptical.  After watching a few episodes - first by myself and then with my kids - we have had some great conversations about why some parents push their kids to do math problems on the weekends, force their kids to eat food they hate, allow them to play in the dirt, etc. and why some parents do the exact opposite.  The show also has brought up issues of racism, abuse, and other heavy issues.  The show is helping them see that the choices we make as parents in a very messy, complex world are made out of love and because we want to teach skills that we think they need.  They are also learning there is not one right way to parent and no parent is perfect.

Reality shows get a bad rap.  I'm still angry about a network thinking "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire" was a good idea but gay marriage destroys the **cough cough** sacred **cough cough* institution of marriage.  But sometimes reality shows have a silver lining and can teach us a little more about the world and human experiences.

Leaving the House

Today the kids and I left the house for a play date at a playground.  Do you know what happened?  I told the kids we were going to leave the house soon.  They got ready.  We left.

That's it.  End of story.

This may seem very unremarkable and it really is.  That's actually my point.  It doesn't feel like too long ago getting out of the house was a chore.  I would often be exhausted before I even got to my destination.  At first, excursions out took 30 minutes of packing a diaper bag with formula, bottled water, diapers, wipes, toys, a change of clothes, and more.  Later, leaving the house had to be carefully timed around naps and feedings.  As the kids got older we had to remember favorite stuffed animals, books, and snacks.  Often getting out of the house meant tears because someone wanted to stay home and play with trains or watch a cartoon.  And don't even get me started on tying shoes.  Many parents know that when a child wants to tie their own shoes that can add a good 15 minutes to the leaving the home process!

I never thought these easy (well, easier) days would come.  I remember touring several elementary schools when the kids were three years old and seeing third graders independently doing their school work.  I literally could not imagine my kids at that age, but here they are.  They make their own breakfasts and lunches several days a week, they play in their rooms independently, and they can often get themselves ready to leave the house (with a water bottle and a snack) in 10 minutes or less.  

Years ago I remember telling my mom that I was not looking forward to the teenage years.  My mom said she actually enjoyed those years with her kids because she got to speak to us on a new level.  As my kids get older, the teen years seem less overwhelming.  I do enjoy watching their independence grow, their sense of humor mature, and their brains tackle more complex issues.   

Next up -- leaving the kids home alone.  I know that level of independence is coming down the pipeline soon and then Derek and I can finally have a date night!!!

Independence

Many years ago when my kids were little (or maybe before they were even born?) I read an article that has stuck with me.  It talked about the sadness parents feel as their kids grow up.  Parents lament the losses: the smell of a new baby's head, walking down the street and your kid grabbing your hand, pushing your kid on a swing, etc.  As kids grow up, their worlds get larger and their connections to parents become weaker.  

For Hannukah my parents gave my kids Baketivity.  It's a monthly baking kit for kids that arrives in the mail.  Most of the dry ingredients are in the box as well as instructions and a little fun activity page.  So far we have baked chocolate and vanilla cupcakes to create a panda, snowball cookies and red velvet cupcakes.  My kids have told me in no uncertain terms that I am to stay away from the kitchen when they do these projects and let them bake alone.

The fear a parent has allowing their kitchen to be taken over by an unsupervised 8 year old is significant.  You wonder if powdered sugar will be found in the vegetable drawer or if red food coloring will permanently stain the ceiling.  You worry your child will get cut or burned.  You fret about having to eat an overly salty cake or rock hard cookies and while still rubbing your tummy and saying "Sooooo delicious.  Yum!"

But the reality is that although my kitchen is a total mess after they bake, there is value to giving them that independence.  They have such pride in showing us their creations and serving us dessert after dinner.  Aaron has even made up recipes and shared his creations with our neighbors.  (We were guinea pigs first and tried them before subjecting our neighbors.)  Cooking has been a way for my kids to gain independence, confidence, and life skills.

The article I mentioned before said that as parents we don't hold a baby in our arms thinking "I hope you live in my basement and stay dependent on me until you are 40 years old."  Parents have dreams that their kids will become an astronaut, develop a cure for a disease, or improve the world in some way.  We have to remember that if we want that to happen, when our kids wriggle their lilttle hands out of our hands, we have to let go, not grip tighter even if that means they are running into the kitchen to smear butter on the cabinets and sprinkle sugar on the stove.

Just One Moment

I will forever be grateful to my friend Jody.  

During my senior year of college I took a six week American Sign Language class for fun.  I have always loved languages and I really enjoyed the class.  A few weeks after the class ended Jody invited me to see a production of "Blithe Spirit" she was stage managing that was performed in ASL.  Watching that show was mesmerizing.  I was hooked on learning more about the language and culture.  

Fast forward a couple years and Jody and I had both completed our first tour as actors.  I had joined a second tour and Jody had moved to New York City.  One day we were talking and she mentioned her work as a sign language interpreter.  "WHAT???  *mind blown*  That's a job?!?!?!  I had no idea I could use ASL for work.  That conversation put me on a path of a new career.  It's a career that has provided me with a whole new community, new friends, flexibility to work while pursuing other interests, and the ability to work all over the country.  

This morning Aaron and I were at the kitchen table together.  I was reading an article about the top inventions of 2020.  One invention was a robot that was designed to support a child's social skills.  We talked about why kids would need something like that.  We discussed what autism means, how that impacts someone's ability to socialize, and how an invention like this could help.  

After the conversation I wondered if Aaron would remember this moment years from now.  I think about those interviews with people who accomplish great things who say things like "I remember when I walked by a homeless man with a dog and that let me to start a non-profit to create a homeless shelter that accepts pets" or "I had a neighbor who was blind and that inspired me to become a teacher at a school for blind children."  

I don't imagine Aaron will work with robots.  Aaron is not into math, science and technology.  Today will probably not be one of those life changing moments for my kid.  However, I wonder if, 20 years from now, we will be able look back at a moment, an experience, a person, or something else in my kids' lives that put them on a specific trajectory.  

One more story: when I was four years old I went to go see "The Nutcracker."  Five minutes into the show I was hooked.  At that moment I knew I wanted to perform.  It's a feeling that has stayed with me for 40ish years.  I wonder if my mom had taken me to a science museum that day instead of a ballet, maybe I would have invented that robot in the magazine.  We'll never know for sure, but it's fun to consider the possibilities.

Peers

A thought has been running around my head today.  It's a thought that pops up in my head from time to time and today it has been swirling around again.  

I think the thought appeared because I had a (socially distanced and masked) conversation with some lovely neighbors who have kids the same age as mine.  We were talking about what this year has been doing to our kids on every level: academically, socially, mentally, emotionally, etc.  Our general consensus for our families is that we are not overly stressed about our kids on an academic level.  We are more concerned about what is happening in our kids' brains and hearts.

So the thought bouncing around my head is this: the kids who are my kids' peers are really the ones who determine if my kids will thrive or crumble.  

Stay with me for a minute as a I ramble...

Today we watched a show in which two boyfriends competed as a team.  After winning the competition one boyfriend proposed to the other.  My kids had no questions about it.  They didn't see this as anything unique or different or needing an explanation.  (Of course having gay dads is the main reason this is just normal for them.)  And I thought to myself that when kids accept gay couples as just a regular part of life it changes how they react to others.  When a friend comes out in high school (or junior high even) as LGBTQIA++ that kid could face two realities: he/she/they could be supported or ostracized.  That child could feel safe and comfortable and happy and accepted and all those other warm fuzzy feelings, or the child could become the laughing stock of the school and talking with that person could be social suicide.  The other kids in school have such power over that kid just based on their responses.  What makes that child different could become a positive or a negative based on how other kids react.

The same holds true for a kid with a stutter.

Or a kid in a wheelchair.

Or a kid who is homeless.

Or a kid with autism.

Or a kid who is bi-racial.

Or a kid who is overweight.

Or a kid who is any number of things that don't fit our majority version of our world.

As my kids grow up and boys and girls separate, jocks hang out together and look down on the awkard kids, cool girls decide who isn't cool, smart kids get labeled as "nerds" and sometimes try to hide their academic skills, and everyone finds their own groups the judgement becomes harsher.  This year I can't imagine almost any kid coming out of the pandemic unscathed in some way.  Kids will lose friends due to isolation, feel more anxious due to a parent's stress, struggle with academic subjects, and more.  Every kid could use a little kindness and acceptance as we make our way back to some sort of normalcy in a few months.  Can you just imagine a world in which kids supported each other instead of judged each other?  Can you picture a world in which every child felt safe around their peers to just be who they want to be?  My dream is for my kids to be in school, focus on learning, and not worry about what others want them to be.  

I guess, after writing this, my dream is nothing new or revolutionary.  It's just worrying about what my kids will face as they grow up.  Peer pressure is real.  All those "-isms" we read about are real.  

But what if they weren't?  What a beautiful world that would be.