You Don't Know What You're Getting Yourself Into

When my surrogate was pregnant and I told people Derek and I were expecting I heard two different answers..

Parenthood is the most wonderful, amazing, and beautiful experience in the world. 

Or...

You don't know what you're getting yourself into.

I didn't like either one of these answers.  The first seemed to mean that I was supposed to love every second of fatherhood and life would be filled with rainbows and unicorns.  The second answer meant that I was going to destroy my life and everyone's around me and that I couldn't handle what was in store for me.

A year into parenthood I'm here to say what I have heard very few people say - both statements are correct.

I'm going to start by addressing the second statement.  I have had some conversations with people where we have said the unthinkable - What have I done???  Why did I do this???  Can't I return my kids for one with an off switch???  I feel like parents are taught that it's shameful to think this.  Several friends I have and almost all the bloggers I follow have gone through tough, expensive and sometimes extreme measures to have a child -  adoption, surrogacy, fertility treatments, miscarriages, flying back and forth to India, and more - and have sworn that they will never take one minute of parenthood for granted.  I swore the same thing.

However, last week this lofty promise was broken.  My kids were back to (usually) waking up once a night (sometimes twice) and then they would always wake up between 4:30 and 5:00 a.m. for a bottle which didn't make me a happy daddy.  Aaron has started throwing tantrums.  Jeff steals every toy Aaron has.  Neither one of them likes milk from sippy cups.  They won't give up their pacifiers for naps.

I lost my one and only copy of my car key and with a 15 year old car it's not easy to replace the key.  Tax season was upon us and taxes are always stressful.  This week my car wouldn't start thanks to a dead battery and of course it was a day I needed my car to get to the suburbs. 

Add to this the fact that at work my department went from five interpreters to three about two months ago and the three of us left have been overwhelmed.  Plus last week the universe decided to give me tough interpreting situations filled with unfit mothers, violent sexual offenders and terminally ill patients.

Top that off with the fact that I have friends I haven't seen or talked to in a long time and almost no social life. 

With all of that going on I felt like I had given up my career, my friends and my life and was doomed to an eternity of 5:00 a.m. feedings, an overwhelming work schedule for the little bit I worked and wanting to pass out on the couch before 9:00 p.m. after listening to 12 hours of crying in stereo.

Yes, parenthood is messy.  It's exhausting.  It's filled with screams, poop, sleepless nights, drool, spit up, pee, worry, wasted food, endless laundry, endless dishes, fights to put on a diaper, fights to take off a diaper, fights to get kids to eat, fights to get kids not to eat, and the list goes on and on and on and on.  And do I like it?  No, not always.  It's not what I dreamed fatherhood would be.  It's nearly impossible to describe how children affect your career, your social life, your physical well being, your state of mind, your finances, your relationships, etc.  It's hard.  People who have forgotten what it's like to live with an infant or toddler (or two!) may say they can't believe I would say such a thing.  But I bet most of you new parents out there are secretly agreeing with what I'm saying.  Parenthood isn't always fun.

BUT...

(Here's comes the part that people expect parents to say.)

When you say the word "spin" Aaron spins around once or twice with a smile on his face and Jeff spins until he is dizzy, giggles, and falls down.  Aaron knows the sign for shoes and can bring me his shoes if I ask for them.  Jeff recently showed me he learned the sign for about five different animals.  I see the beginning of language emerging.  As someone who works with language, sees the power of language, loves languages, and keeps considering getting my masters in linguistics to study language acquisition I am amazed by what is happening now.  Words can't describe how thrilled I am to watch communication develop.  I was happy to see my boys roll over, sit up, crawl, and walk.  Don't get me wrong; those were amazing milestones.  But language allows me to know my children, know their thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams.  Language is such a powerful tool and as it begins to develop in my children I do believe that, like people told me, parenthood is the most wonderful, amazing and beautiful experience in the world.

Sleep Part 14: Conflicting Advice

Do we all see that I'm writing this post at 2-something-a.m.?  Yep, that means I'm up with a child again.  Don't worry...it's not that bad.  Things are pretty good in the sleep department.  Just note that pretty good doesn't mean perfect.  You'll see more in a post coming soon.  Since I'm up in the middle of the night I thought it would be appropriate to post a great piece of advice that my friend, B, sent to Derek and me.  It's one mother's summary of what she learned about sleep training.  Here is Ava Neyer's take on what she learned from the (cough cough) experts.

"You shouldn’t sleep train at all, before a year, before 6 months, or before 4 months, but if you wait too late, your baby will never be able to sleep without you. College-aged children never need to be nursed, rocked, helped to sleep, so don’t worry about any bad habits. Nursing, rocking, singing, swaddling, etc to sleep are all bad habits and should be stopped immediately.

Naps should only be taken in the bed, never in a swing, car seat, stroller, or when worn. Letting them sleep in the car seat or swing will damage their skulls. If your baby has trouble falling asleep in the bed, put them in a swing, car seat, stroller, or wear them. Use the crib only for sleep and keep it free of distractions. If the baby is having trouble adjusting to the crib, have them play in it first. If the baby wakes up at night and wants to play, put fun toys in the crib to distract them.

Put the baby in a nursery, bed in your room, in your bed. Co-sleeping is the best way to get sleep, except that it can kill your baby, so never, ever do it. If your baby doesn't die, you will need to bed-share until college.

Keep the room warm, but not too warm. Swaddle the baby tightly, but not too tightly. Put them on their backs to sleep, but don't let them be on their backs too long or they will be developmentally delayed. Give them a pacifier to reduce SIDS. Be careful about pacifiers because they can cause nursing problems and stop your baby from sleeping soundly. If your baby sleeps too soundly, they’ll die of SIDS.

Don’t let your baby sleep too long, except when they’ve been napping too much, then you should wake them. Never wake a sleeping baby. Any baby problem can be solved by putting them to bed earlier, even if they are waking up too early. If your baby wakes up too early, put them to bed later or cut out a nap. Don’t let them nap after 5 p.m. Sleep begets sleep, so try to get your child to sleep as much as possible. Put the baby to bed awake but drowsy. Don't wake the baby if it fell asleep while nursing.

You should start a routine and keep track of everything. Don’t watch the clock. Put them on a schedule. Scheduling will make your life impossible because they will constantly be thrown off of it and you will become a prisoner in your home.

Using the "Cry It Out" method (CIO) will make them think they’ve been abandoned and will be eaten by a lion shortly. It also causes brain damage. Not getting enough sleep will cause behavior and mental problems, so be sure to put them to sleep by any means necessary, especially CIO, which is the most effective form. CIO is cruel beyond belief and the only thing that truly works because parents are a distraction.

Formula and solid foods will help the baby sleep longer. Solid foods shouldn’t be given at night because they might wake the baby. Don't stop the baby from nursing when asleep. Be wary of night feeds. If you respond too quickly with food or comfort, your baby is manipulating you. Babies can’t manipulate. Babies older than six months can manipulate.

Sleep when the baby sleeps. Clean when the baby cleans. Don’t worry. Stress causes your baby stress and a stressed baby won't sleep."

Anyone else feel like they have heard or read every one of these pieces from advice from an expert?  If we all tried to follow these conflicting pieces of advice it's no wonder our babies are confused, stressed and crying a lot...oh wait, I mean it's no wonder the parents are confused, stressed and crying a lot.  That's why Derek and I have learned to do what we think is best for our children.  I think we're doing OK and our kids are too.

Year One

I thought about trying to write a very profound entry and then realized that I don't think my life with my kids has been very different than the first year of any parent.  And, as the supreme court deals with two gay marriage cases this week, isn't that exactly what we want?  We want to show that my family is the same as every other family in this world whether they be "traditional" heterosexual families, gay families, interracial families, mixed religion families, single parent families, grandparents-raising-grandchildren families, parents with disabilities families, etc.  Sure, my journey to get them was probably more complex than a lot of other people's journeys (and easier than some), but every parent experiences sleepless nights, doubting their skills, the thrill of firsts, overwhelming love, etc. 

So instead of focusing on how my journey was unique and crazy, let's focus on my unique family as it is now.  And I'm going to borrow something from the 2 Baby Daddies blog.  While they were expecting I got to read the most amazing Dear Zoey letters.  I hope my letter to my kids will be just as wonderful.

Dear Aaron and Jeff,

A year ago you came into my life.  You were my dream since I was a little child.  I always wanted to be a dad.  It took years of planning to bring you into my life and I'd go through it again in a heartbeat knowing how amazing the payoff could be.

In this first year I learned a lot about my parents.  I understand what it's like to love unconditionally.  I understand why parents would give up their own lives for the lives of their children.  I understand what my parents gave up in their lives to give me things in mine.  So thank you for giving me that understanding.

During the sleepless nights and sleepy days I have cried out of frustration, counted the seconds until the sitter or your other dad arrived and I could leave the house for a few minutes, and wanted to just give up at times.  I have also found moments of joy with you banging on pots, playing peek-a-boo and finding a Cheerio on the floor.

I love watching you learn.  It is thrilling to watch you become more independent as you have figured out how to hold your own bottle, crawl, feed yourself, walk, "communicate" with us, and love us.  I cannot wait to watch you experience new firsts over the next few years.  

My hope for you is to be happy and empathic.  In my life I have learned that people want to be heard.  I hope to teach you to listen and understand the perspective of others who are different from you.  I also promise to do my best to give you happiness in this world.  That doesn't mean ice cream for dinner every night, but a life filled with love and support.  

The next 17 years (and beyond) will have their ups and downs, but don't doubt that Daddy Derek and I love you with all our hearts.  

Love,
Daddy Michael  

And then, of course, we have the year one pictures.  The big friends and family party is this weekend, but we couldn't resist giving the boys their own cupcakes tonight.

My cupcake creation documenting their first year

Jeff enjoyed his cupcake

Aaron did too

Sleep Part Thirteen: I've Seen 3 a.m. Too Many Times This Week

Breaking News

We interrupt your regularly scheduled blog filled with good news and cute, well-behaved babies for this important story. 

Wanted for: noise pollution and public disturbance

Names: Aaron and Jeff

Height: approximately two and a half feet tall

Weight: approximately 25 lbs

Hair: Aaron -dark brown and straight, Jeff - light brown/auburn and curly
Eyes: Aaron - bright blue, Jeff - blue-grey

Distinguishing characteristics: Aaron pretends to share his food with Daddy and then pops it in his own mouth, Jeff says "gub gub" and "gobble gobble" a lot

When last we left our hero, Michael, he had posted about his amazing 6-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night.  Apparently the two super-genius/super-villains were just letting Michael and his trusty sidekick, Derek, think that they could sleep for more than three hours at a time.  After a few weeks of sleeping for about 9 hours a night the sly scoundrels decided to reveal their diabolical plan of interrupting sleep at random times.  Let's take a look at their three pronged plan of peril.

Part One: It all started with Daylight Saving Time a couple weeks ago.  Aaron and Jeff had been waking up about 5:30 a.m. for a while.  When the time changed it was logical to assume the boys would wake up at their regular time which would look like 6:30 a.m. on our heroes' alarm clocks.  Our duo of dads knew that their bodies would feel it as 5:30 but were hoping their minds would take over and fool their bodies into saying, "It's 6:30 a.m.  That's not too bad!"  However, part one of the devilish duo's plan was to wake up not at 6:30 and not even at 5:30 but 4:15 a.m. which felt like 3:15 a.m. in Derek and Michael's aging bodies! 

Part Two: Aaron has decided that he cannot sleep unless he knows daddy is in the room with him.  Michael has spent 45 minutes standing by his crib waiting for him to be so tired he just passes out.  It's adorable in a maddening way.  Aaron lays down in his crib.  If Michael strokes his back he'll lay there for a while.  As soon as daddy's hand doesn't touch his body for about five second he gets up from his crib, searches the dark with his hands, smacks Michael's face once or twice, realizes daddy is still there and then plops down in the bed again.  This routine goes on for 20-30 minutes at a time.  And, this is a fact, people, the boy will be dead asleep but as soon as Michael steps out of the room Aaron senses it and starts wailing.  If our heroic daddies let him wail A) it hurts their hearts (especially Michael, the softie) and B) Aaron can wake up Jeff which just leads to even more problems.  Aaron seems to have conquered Michael by manipulating him with his chubby cheeks, blue eyes, and cute giggle.  How will our hero get out of this one? 

Part Three: During this week our hidden camera in the boys' room have shown us the following...
Night #1: Aaron woke up at 2 a.m.  It took 45 minutes to get him to bed.  Jeff then woke up at 3 a.m.
Night #2: Aaron woke up at 3 a.m.
Night #3: Jeff woke up at midnight.  Jeff then woke up at 4:45 a.m. 

Will the twins terminate their terrible tactics? 
Will the fathers fathom the foundation of the fretting? 
Will the dads do dastardly deeds? 

Stay tuned to find out.

Walking and Signing

Yes, it's true.  The boys took their first steps about two weeks ago (within a couple days of each other) and over the past two weeks they have been walking more and more.  Aaron seems more interested in walking than Jeff.  He loves to chase the cats and both Derek and our nanny have heard him saying "meow."  Jeff takes a couple steps but is generally less active than Aaron.  Of course, the day I said that to someone Jeff surprised me by taking about eight steps in a row. 

We think Jeff is understanding some sign language.  When I ask Jeff "Where is the cat?" using sign language he looks over to the cat about 90% of the time and sometimes points.  We also are pretty sure that his crude sign for "more" really is because he's asking for more and isn't just him banging his hands together.  Aaron isn't signing yet but yesterday I would point up and down and he would stand up or crouch down in whatever direction my finger was pointing.  That may not be formal sign language, but I think it shows that he gets that communication can come through hands and body language.  He also says a lot of "muh" at mealtimes which makes me think he's trying to say "more."

So I'm getting very excited that with walking we'll be able to go to the park soon and with signing we'll be able to know a little more about what's going on inside those cute, little heads.  Meanwhile, Derek and I are getting ready for their first birthday which is coming up in a week.  A WEEK!!!!!  We plan to give them a birthday cupcake to destroy.  How fun!  A few days later we'll be having a party with friends and family and a very exciting birthday cake.  (Can you tell I love cake?)  Stay tuned for some pictures of cute babies covered in cake and frosting.

My Day In Court

I have been to court very few times.  I have been to court only for an acting exercise, to interpret, and to deal with a condo issue.  None of them have been great experiences.  Court is never fun.  It's boring.  It's stodgy.  It's too stoic for me.  If they added some music, a disco ball, and maybe a few costume changes for the judge I might be more excited to go.  But no -- there is no music, no glittery lights and just a boring black robe for the judges.

This past Tuesday I went to court again.  This time it was fun.  Well, maybe fun isn't the right word, but I was looking forward to going.

Tuesday was the day that Derek and I appeared before a judge to start our adoption process.  We really didn't know what to expect.  Here is what happened.

We arrived early and waited for our lawyer.  As we were waiting a 50-something lady came up to us in the hallway and asked if we were the people with the name issue.  We didn't know what she was talking about at first.  She then explained that she was the judge that would be presiding over our case and thought that we were the couple that submitted the paperwork to adopt twins and petitioned that the babies had "Last Name A-Last Name B" and "Last Name B-Last Name A."  Apparently there was some confusion over the order of the last names.

When we finally figured out what she was talking about we told her that we were a different couple.  Apparently we were the dopplegangers of the other couple who was also a two dad family with twin boys.  The judge smiled at our boys and played with them for a minute before heading off to do judge-y stuff during her recess.

Our lawyer showed up a little while later and found out we could go into the play room.  As soon as we entered we locked eyes with the "Last Name Mix Up" couple.  There were three men with two babies.  (I'm guessing the third man was a friend helping with the twins.)  You could see the excitement we had meeting another couple in the same situation.  We immediately starting talking about our kids, asking how old they were, and where they were in the adoption process.  Turns out this couple used a surrogate in Panama.  They live in the gay, trendy area of Chicago and seemed shocked when we told them that we might move to the 'burbs to get a house for the kids.  It was then that we realized we might have different parenting styles.  Still, it was nice to meet them.  Living in a big city we assumed it would be easy to meet other same-sex parents but it has proved to be quite a challenge.

After 10-15 minutes we were called in to meet judge Gillis.  She asked us a bunch of questions like how long we were together, do we work, who watches the boys while we work, etc.  Basically it was just like a conversation to get to know us.  She also knew that we were excited that a law legalizing gay marriage passed in the state senate and is making its way through the House.  It was nice to have a judge who supports us. 

After talking for a few minutes someone was assigned to our case to basically check that Derek is an upstanding citizen.  I'm guessing they'll do things like make sure he's not a felon, isn't a deadbeat dad and doesn't own any Justin Bieber CDs.  You know...things that could potentially harm the children.  In about six weeks the lawyer and the case worker go back to court to announce Derek is an awesome guy and deserves to legally be the dad.  The judge will bang her gavel (well...I'm not sure she really does that) and then Aaron and Jeff will officially have two dads.  We'll be a family.  I can't wait to celebrate.

No!

It happened.  I swore that I would be one of those perfect parents who encourages his children to create, explore, and discover.  I swore that I wouldn't let them eat sugar or watch TV.  I swore that I would always stay calm and never use that awful word "no."  And yet I have done all of these things a couple of time.  I am no longer the perfect parent.  I am -- a typical parent.  (Hanging head in defeat.) 

I remember a little while ago I made Jeff cry when I let out such an exasperated grunt as I wrestled with him to get on a diaper.  I started using the word "no" more often over the last few weeks as Aaron and Jeff have decided that my glasses are much more interesting than the 4,821 books and toys we have for them that are strewn all over the apartment.  But Tuesday, February 19th, 2013, is a day that will live in infamy.  It was the first time I shouted the word "No!" out of frustration.

Jeff has discovered our kitchen drawers and cabinets and thinks they are the most wonderful toy in the world.  We have the child safety locks on some of them.  The drawer with the dish towels opens.  We let him explore opening and closing that drawer and throwing all of our towels onto the floor.  He loves it.  I love that it passes five minutes.  Life is good.

Well, he's taller now.  Derek and I know that the boys have grown when they can reach new things.  He had been able to open the third drawer from the bottom for a while but now he was able to reach in and pick out what is inside like a cheese spreader, a mini hand grater (not very sharp at all), a serving spoon, etc.  Nothing incredibly dangerous, but not stuff for babies and not what I want thrown on my floors.  I decided that it was easier to remove the objects and let him play with the drawer than to fight him on opening the drawer.  So my small counter space became covered with small kitchen utensils.

Then he went for the cabinets under the sink.  You know, the place with all of the toxic cleaning products -- I mean totally organic and natural cleaning products that a perfect parent like me would have.  ;-)  One of the safety locks isn't working so he was able to get the left cabinet open.  I closed it and redirected him.  He found the cabinet again.  I closed it and redirected him again.  We played this "game" for a few minutes until I got out the duct tape.  I'll tell you that I didn't know a ten and a half month old infant could be such a challenge to duct tape.  Jeff was determinted to open that cabinet.  He grunted.  He pulled.  He groaned.  He shook the door.  I tried to pick him up and redirect him to a toy but his little hand gripped that cabinet knob so tightly.  It was like Jack from Titanic holding on for dear life when the boat cracked in half. 

I put him down and ran to Aaron who needed my attention for some reason and heard that cabinet door shaking as Jeff continued to try to rip it open like the Hulk. 

"NO!" I yelled as I got overwhelmed with a crying Aaron and tried to break Jeff of his obsession with toxic -- I mean organic cleaning supplies.

And that was the moment I realized I may not be the perfect parent I had hoped.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still 99.9% amazing; I'm just a little bit human, too.  My mind is now fast forwarding to the fights over eating vegetables, not wanting to get out of the pool, doing their homework before watching TV, etc.  I'm going to try to make "no" not a common word in the house, but the reality is that it will slip out and that's OK.  We all heard it when we were kids.  We all still love our parents and grew up to be happy, healthy adults.  And now, as parents ourselves, we realize what a hard job our parents had and what a wonderful job they did.