Moms vs. Dads - Aren't They Both Just Parents?

I'm not usually one to say "poor me."

I am part of a couple "privileged" classes: I am white and a male.  I am part of a few minorities too: I am a vegetarian and I am left-handed which are relatively minor in the grand scheme of minorities.  I put up with little inconveniences because of those two statuses like going to steak houses for a friend's birthday and having to order the salad or being forced to play field hockey in my high school gym class which ONLY has right handed sticks.  I am also gay and Jewish.  Being a part of these minority groups make for slightly aggravating situations like some nasty jokes and not having some rights (which is changing ever so quickly!).  For the most part, however, I don't feel like I'm oppressed and I don't have a big need to complain.  I have a pretty good life and I'm treated well in this world.

HOWEVER...

The one minority that is most frustrating to me now is being a stay-at-home-dad.  When my kids were first born I found some interesting articles about dads being ignored on the playground and not being invited to lunch dates with stay-at-home-moms.  I didn't think much of it.  As my boys grow older and we join more classes and play in the park more I have started to think of it more and more.  Dads as caretakers really are not as welcomed or celebrated as I had hoped.  The thing that is really making me write this entry was this video that is making it's way around the internet.

24 Applicants Were Terrified To This Job. Then They Found Out Why Billions Already Do It.

If you haven't seen it, it basically shows people applying for the toughest job in the world that includes working 20 hours a day, standing almost the entire time, no vacation time, working harder on holidays, requiring degrees in medicine, nutrition and finance, and getting paid $0 in salary.  At the end of the video the interviewer says the job title is "Mom" and people cry and profess their love for their mothers.

Well, what about us fathers?  Don't we do a lot of the same work?  Couldn't we have said the job title is a "Parent"?  Why are moms revered and dads always a distant second?

My mom was a stay-at-home mother with me for many years.  My dad went out to work.  Although my dad was out 40ish hours a week he still found time to teach me to throw a ball, parallel park, ride a bike, read Hebrew, help with my math homework, take care of me when I was sick, mow the lawn, assemble my toys, and attend every single one of my concerts and plays.

If I were in that video I probably would have bawled like a baby saying how much I love my mom.  I hope, though, that I would have remembered to mention my dad as well.

Twenty years from now, if this my sons are in an interview like this, I hope that the job position will be for a parent or caregiver.  Mothers are wonderful, but we need to teach that fathers are wonderful too and can do everything a mom can do.

Thomas The Freakin' Tank Engine Can Cure Insomnia

How did this happen?  Seriously....HOW???  I have no idea how my boys got into Thomas the Train.  I know that we have a couple Thomas books and they liked him on and off for a while.  I know that TV started to enter their lives about 4-6 months ago and sometimes we'd let them watch 15 minutes here and there.  I tried to get them to watch Barney or Sesame Street.  I'm not quite sure how Thomas became the big obsession, but it has.  We now have Thomas pajamas, DVDs, baskets, trains, phones, train tracks, Tivo recordings, paper plates, napkins, etc. and I'm sure that's just the beginning.  I know it'll get worse before it gets better.

I recently posted elsewhere online how much I didn't like Thomas and got a bunch of comments to links about how Thomas is part of a dystopian society.  All very interesting/funny and it made me realize I wasn't alone.  Other parents are just as bored out of their minds watching this drivel as I am.

Over the last month or two I have given up trying to be the perfect parent and learned that Pinterest-inspired arts and crafts twice a day just ain't gonna happen in my home.  The American Academy of Pediatrics believes that children should have no screen time at all until they are two years old.  I firmly believe that the AAP committee who came up with this recommendation are either A) insane, B) not parents, C) insane because they are parents D) financial backers of Pinterest, or E) live in a cabin in the woods and survive on a diet of berries and twigs.

I tried.  I mean I really tried to not give them TV and computer time.  There comes a time in our lives, though, that we just need 20 minutes to boil water to make mac 'n cheese (it's organic, I swear) and microwave some green beans (organic too).

The thing is, though, that I have learned that watching 30 minutes of TV a day isn't going to hurt my kids.  I watched TV when I was young and I think I turned out OK.  I have also learned that Thomas is definitely the best way to get 20 minutes of sleep in the afternoon.  I've started to notice that I put in the DVD and I make it through the first ten minutes sitting upright on the couch.  Next, I start to feel sleepy.  Before I know it one of my boys has hopped off the couch and is pushing the "OFF" button on the TV (which they have learned to do somehow without me teaching them) because the video is done.  I head to the pantry, shove some chocolate chips in my mouth and feel refreshed after my 20 minute power nap.

Here's the thing, though: I'm not sleepy when I put the DVD in.  I don't lay down on the couch.  I watch the first few minutes of the DVD and discuss what's going on with my kids.  I really stay active, but somehow Thomas makes my brain shut down and shut down hard.  Maybe it's my aversion to anything that calls a character a "Fat Controller" which I find offensive.  Maybe it's because I think the trains with moving eyes are a little creepy.  Maybe it's because I feel like these engines really aren't useful considering all they do is cause problems.  Who knows.  All I know is that if I buy some DVDs online for cheap I can sell them for $49.95 plus shipping and handling as a cure for insomnia on QVC at 3:00 a.m.  ;-)

And while we're talking about playing and toys, I thought this would be fun to add just for a laugh...

And Now They Are Two

Yep...it happened.  My boys turned two.  We had a great party with family and friends.  I also think I had my first "Wow...time is passing" moment.  I am the first one to say that the days are long and exhausting and I'm ready for them to be a little older.  For a long time I have been wishing they were four or five or six and they could be a little more independent and I could bring them to plays, movies, carnivals, etc.  I know everyone tells me I'll long for these infant and toddler years again and I believe you all...it just didn't hit me until a few days ago when I thought to myself that two out of 18 years are gone.  But the time didn't go fast.  I didn't feel like I missed out on anything.  I don't wonder where the time went; my body and gray hair shows me the two years I've been through.  It's just that I've realized that two years have gone by.  I'm happy to have had so many days at home with my boys (most of the time) but I am still looking forward to what lies ahead.

I have been trying to think about what has happened in the last year.  Here is what I remember...

• They went from walking to running
• Aaron still wakes up in the middle of the night every couple days
• They probably know more than 100 signs
• They started talking and definitely know more than 100 words
• They like to dress and undress themselves even though they don't do it well
• They like wearing two different colored socks (Jeff especially)
• They are Thomas the Train addicts
• They are getting good at brushing their teeth on their own
• They love bath time
• They are learning to share (hooray!)
• They have definite likes and dislikes with food, toys, clothes, etc.
• Jeff will wear anything with a bear on it

I'm sure there are a million more things I could say about them but these are some of the big ones.  And here are a couple of my favorite videos.  You'll see Aaron at just over 23 months singing his ABCs in his own Aaron way and Jeff at 22 months signing a book.

I Finally Have A Name

A lot of people have been asking me just what the boys call Derek and me.  For almost two years I had said that I really didn't know what names Derek and I would have.  A lot of two dad families have a "daddy" and a "papa" but "papa" just didn't feel right for either of us and neither one of us wanted that name.

I met a two Jewish moms who were married to non-Jewish moms.  They both said that they thought about being called "ee-mah" which is the Hebrew word for mother but neither one of them felt strongly connected with their Jewish heritage to give up the name "mommy."  I had considered using the Hebrew word for "father" as well, but "ah-bah" didn't feel right either.  I kept thinking that I'd sound like my kids were fans of Swedish pop music from 30 years ago.

So Derek and I were "daddy and daddy" for a long time with no real way to distinguish us.

Once in a while, when talking to the boys, we would say something about "your other daddy blah blah blah" and my fear is that we would be known as "daddy and other daddy."  It was confusing for Derek and me so I can't imagine how confusing it was for Jeff and Aaron as they started to really identify us as separate people.

Then one day I became "Michael."

Oy vey.

Yep, my kids had turned into Bart Simpson and started calling me by my first name.  I really wasn't a fan of that, but it certainly was better than "other daddy."  It made sense they picked it up, though.  Derek was always calling me "Michael" so of course they would call me that too.

Over a few months of correcting them it has finally become "Daddy Michael."  Whew...my kids are no longer on a first name basis with me.

As for Derek, he has an official name, too.  And I have to emphasize that I didn't steer the kids into picking this name.  I still called him "daddy" 99% of the time.  The kids, however, have started calling him "Daddy Derek" which, of course, makes sense.  I love watching how their brains figure out language.

I have come to learn, though, that "Derek" is a much harder word to say than "Michael."  So while my name is clear as a bell from both Aaron and Jeff here are their names for "Daddy Derek."

Aaron: Daddy Dee-lick
Jeff: Daddy Duh-guh

Thank goodness my relationship with Michael never worked out.  My poor kids wouldn't know what to do!

Parenthood Is Like Acting Conservatories

A couple of days ago we hit a rough patch.  As the boys approach their second birthday there are definitely tantrums being thrown.  I try to breathe through the ear-piercing screams and sad faces but it is tough.  I have definitely slammed a few cabinets, raised my voice from time to time and possibly muttered a few choice words under my breath.  The most effective technique for me, though, seems to be to lock myself in my room and to play a game of Candy Crush.  That helps me calm down even though there are screams of "Daddy!" coming from the other side of the door.  And, about half the time, the boys are so shocked that I left them for 2 minutes they wind up being good for the next 15-30 minutes.

I have also come to the conclusion that when people say, "I don't know how you do it with twins" I should just respond with an "I don't know how I do it either.  I am pretty amazing."  I used to respond with something like "Well, sometimes it's easier having kids at the same age doing the same thing" but I have learned that doesn't hold true for most stages.  A few days ago Aaron woke up early from a nap and had a major tantrum.  It was so easy dealing with that tantrum without worrying if Jeff was standing on a chair to get to something on the counter or crying about the closed refrigerator or begging me to read a book to him.  I will admit at certain ages twins can possibly be easier, but right now having twin toddlers is like being pulled in 43 different directions at once.

So the recent bouts of tandem tantrums made me realize that parenthood is a lot like an acting conservatory. Conservatories believe that 95% of a student's time should be focused on the chosen field of study.  They tend to be very intense and believe that their particular techniques are the best way for students to learn.  Because of that, it also means that students' habits that they bring with them must be broken down and discarded and then built up again.  It is often not a very compassionate or supportive environment but admittedly a lot of students who make it through the four years without getting cut from the program wind up being relatively successful in a very difficult and cutthroat profession.

While it sounds a little crass this breaking down process feels like it's exactly what I'm doing with my boys.  Their constant cries for being picked up, staying up late, eating non-stop, etc. have to be broken down and their habits must be built up into more appropriate behaviors.

Experienced parents may laugh at my weak-willed and compassionate attempt to create good habits.  It's hard and frustrating and I wonder if I'm doing something good and right while I see them crying a lot.  All of the experts seem to say that you have to be strict and not give in.  I met a woman who had years of daycare experience who told me the same thing.  She told me that crying is OK and I shouldn't feel guilty about it.

So while I secretly worry I'm creating horrendously scarring memories for my kids, I know that this is the right thing to do and all children need to learn limits.  Hopefully, very soon, my boys will learn that screaming is not the way to go to get what you want.  They will learn that Time-Outs really do happen for bad behavior.  (We started those last week.)  They will learn to say please and thank you.  (We are getting that more often.)  And they will become award winning actors pleasant children. 

My Fashionista

Every morning, when I dress the boys, Aaron takes some work.  He usually needs an incentive to get dressed like an apple or jumping on the bed or (yes, we have started TV) 30 minutes of Thomas the Train.  When he is focused on what he will get you can dress him in practically anything.  He isn't very choosy about his shirt, pants or socks.

Jeff sometimes needs an incentive, too, but not always.  More importantly, though, he spends a while picking out just the right outfit.  I thought I'd show you some of his creations. 

I'm Calling You Out, Parents Magazine!

'Tis the season, right?  Well, I'm Jewish and my season was over a while ago.  I'm ready to be snarky and cynical just as I promised in my last post!

My last posting was all warm and fuzzy for the holiday season, but things just got hard again and, for now, I'm through being happy about it.  Let's get real and talk about the the truth behind all the cute pictures.

On Xmas day the boys decided that it was time to make a break for it.  Perhaps they were trying to see Santa before he skipped town for another 364 days.  Maybe they thought there were more gifts coming since Hannukah is eight nights and they didn't realize all the gifts come in the morning on December 25th and there were no more to open.  It's possible they were looking for that fakakta elf sitting on a shelf everyone on the playground talked about that they never saw.  Regardless of the reason, the reality was that both boys learned how to jump over their crib railings and get to the floor. 

Yep, after 14 entries about sleep I thought I was done with sleep problems only to find out that was just the first leg of a marathon of sleep issues.  After doing some investigating on the internet I hear that the next few years hold all sorts of sleeping surprises: negotiating bedtimes, crawling into bed with the parents, fears that the scary wtiches from a movie live under your bed.  Oh wait...that last one was me.. 

I'll admit about a month ago things started to be great.  Tantrum were down and giggles were up in our home.  The boys seemed to be able to communicate their needs more and more and were in better moods about everyday things like getting diapers changed and brushing their teeth.  They were able to make up simple games with "rules" to follow and, once in a while, they even learned how to share or take turns.  This was beginning to look like the fatherhood I imagined.

That time was short lived and we're back to a lot of tantrums because they aren't held 24/7.  "UP!" is one of the most popular words -- or should I say demands -- in our home these days.  "Oooooooopen!" is common too when there is a demand for more milk and the fridge is closed.  Other frequently heard words are apple, cracker, and no usually yelled like a command.  (We don't give in to these demands.  We're like the U.S. government.  We don't negotiate with baddies.)

As luck would have it my new issue of Parents magazine came around the holidays filled with recipe and craft ideas.  Don't get me wrong, I love my $8-for-2-year subscription, but let's just remember that some of these "simple do it yourself projects" have been aided by Photoshop.  Here is the truth of how some of those recipes and arts and crafts projects will go if any of us attempt them at home.

Pinterest failures

My favorite is the parenting advice.  The so called experts make it sound so easy but the reality is they work as well as those Pinterest do-it-yourself-projects.  Let's take a look at some of the advice in the recent magazine, shall we?

 

Almost anything you might tell your child not to do can easily be rephrased in a more encouraging way.  Don't want her to stand on the kitchen chairs?  You can say, "Chairs are only for sitting, sweetheart."  You'll send the same message but get far better results.

REAL LIFE RESPONSE: When I follow this simple approach Aaron looks at me, smiles devilishly, and then stands up in his chair again.  I give him one more warning and tell him that I'm going to take the chair away if he stands on it again.  He does, I take the chair away and it ends in a tantrum on the floor.

If you get mad when he's having fun chucking blocks across the room, he may be less willing to give up the game because any attention is good attention.  Instead, try saying calmly, "Blocks are made for stacking, not throwing, honey."

REAL LIFE RESPONSE: Jeff looks at me trying to figure out how serious I am.  After a few seconds he decides to throw the toy.  He then looks at me and wags his finger saying "no no" proving that he knows right from wrong but then throws more blocks 10 seconds later.

When your 18 month old has her hands on her brother's toy and he wants it back, redirect her by saying, "Here are your bubbles - let's go blow them together."  Or put her in charge of choosing another activity.  If she's throwing wood chips at the playground, for example, you might say, "Do you want to go on the swings or climb on the bouncy bridge?  You can pick."

REAL LIFE RESPONSE: A week ago I spent about 40 minutes trying to get the boys to share a 99 cent, 4 inch plastic cow.  When Jeff had it Aaron would flail on the ground screaming.  When Aaron had it Jeff would cry and yell, "Moo moooooooo!"  I offered plastic horses, chickens, pigs, stuffed animals, crayons and about a thousand other toys but nothing stopped the fights over that damn cow.

So yeah, Parents magazine, thanks for nothing.  That kid smiling in the picture isn't happy because she listened to your calm voice redirecting her.  She's happy because you promised her if she smiled she'd get to eat as many cookies, donuts and cupcakes as she wanted from the Kraft food services table.  That's why she isn't crying and throwing a fit.  So let's be honest about children's responses to these so called magical solutions all you journalists and child experts.  Come to my house and watch me follow your "advice" and publish those pictures.  They may look a little something like this...