Reality

This morning has been hard.  It has been one year since the attack happened in Israel and war is still raging in the Middle East.  Hostages are still being held.  Innocent people are still dying on both sides. There is no end in sight.

Yesterday my kids went to Hebrew school and the school had a conversation about the war.  It makes me sad to think about what my kids have to learn as they grow up.  I know that we can't pretend the world is fine and everyone always gets along.  But it can be hard to think that my kids' brains have to process so much: the war in Ukraine, the war in Israel, the vitriol from the right against transgender people, George Floyd and racism, COVID/mask wars, xenophobia and the rhetoric against immigrants, etc.  

I wonder if, when my kids are 25 or 30 years old, if I'll still feel the need to protect my kids from the cruelty happening in this world.  I wonder if my parents feel that way about me.  Stress and adversity are parts of life.  We all have to experience them in order to grow and mature and cope with life's ups and downs.  Still, it's hard to not be able to fix -- or even explain -- the cruelty in this world as my kids enter it.

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I've been sitting here trying to think how to wrap up this entry and I don't really have a nice silver lining.  It is what it is.  Sometimes I just have to be OK not being OK for a little while.  

Love You More

 I don't really remember when it started...or how.  

I think it was my mother-in-law who started telling my kids "Love you more!!!" and they would reply back "No, I love you more!!!"  They would go back and forth saying that phrase over and over trying to prove who loves who more.  Of course the kids would always win.  

Over the years my parents have picked up on the game.  The kids play it with all four of the grandparents yelling "Love you more" before hanging up the FaceTime call.  We say it to each other as we run out the door, when going to bed, and when getting dropped off for school.  We write it in Mother's and Father's Day cards and birthday cards, say it in Spanish and ASL, and I even had it etched onto a keychain as a gift for everyone in the family.  

My kids are 11 now and will be 12 soon.  The game still usually happens when we are at home and it's just the four of us.  In the mornings, however, when their friends come over before heading off to school, they don't yell it as they walk out the door.  Maybe if one of my kids is straggling behind the group I'll hear it quietly or see the ASL sign for it, but I get how that's not something that middle school kids will do in front of their peers.  

It's the days when they get out of the car and or walk away in the middle of a FaceTime call without saying it that I notice.  These kids are growing up and growing up means change.  I can choose to focus on all I'm losing, but I try to remember that with maturity and growth I get to love them a different way.  Maybe they don't grab my hand as we walk down the street, make Play-doh pizza for me or say "love you more" all the time, but I get to support them as they become independent and explore the world on their own.  Helping them spread their wings and fly is showing love.  

Years from now, when they are grown up and perhaps when they have kids of their own, they'll know that all the things that Derek and I (and their extended family) did for them shows them that the goal isn't to love more -- the goal is to just love with all you can.

Halloween

Wow...once again it has been a long time since I posted.  I do think about this blog quite a bit.  In the mornings while I'm getting the kids ready for school or after a particularly deep or funny conversation I think to myself "I need to write about that" and then never do.  I get busy with a million other things.  Yesterday alone I went to Walmart and Costco, cleaned the house (ugh...I never got to raking leaves), dealt with invoices, cooked dinner, helped with homework, sent emails booking bass and trombone lessons, emailed the Hebrew school, had a conversation about the war in Israel with the kids, ordered holiday gifts, and more.  

It.  Just.  Doesn't.  Stop.

The other thing I did was I drove to a fancy donut shop to get Halloween donuts.  I love donuts.  And I love Halloween.  I got so excited when the kids were little and they started to understand the concept of Halloween.  I had fun when they started to pick out their costumes, talk about their favorite candies, and watch "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" and other Halloween specials.  Since moving to our home we have gone trick or treating with the same neighbors every year and it has been wonderful to watch the kids get more independent.  Our street is mobbed on the holiday and we get maybe 150-200 kids coming to our house.  It's so much fun.  Many neighbors put up elaborate decorations and we have turned our garage into a haunted house the last two years complete with boxes you can put you hand in to touch eyeballs, brains, spiders legs, witches teeth, skin and more.

So this year, when I asked my kids what they planned to do for Halloween and they shrugged and didn't seem excited, my world collapsed.

They're only 11 and a half and they should be out grabbing as much candy as they can.  One kid planned to trick or treat with a couple friends and will just put on the hamster pajamas they use for sleeping.  The other said he planned to watch a movie with a friend.  "Don't you want any candy this year?" I asked.  "I guess I can throw on my costume from last year and hit a few houses before the movie" was the reply.

The disappointment isn't so much about the fact that I won't get to secretly steal some Baby Ruths and Reese's Pieces -- although if I'm being honest that is part of the disappointment.  The disappointment comes from the fact that childhood is ending.  The days of tickle fights and silly voices and piggy back rides are ending.  As one friend just said, "You never know when something will be your last."  I knew I didn't have many years left to go out on Halloween with my kids, but I didn't realize this year would be so different than the last one.

This time is coming with a lot of good and bad.  I love that I went back to work full time as a freelance interpreter.  My kids are old enough for me to do that now.  I miss that they used to have simple problems I could solve with a lollipop and a hug.  I love that I can have complex conversations about the world with them.  It can be hard that they experience the world without me when they go into town with their friends for lunch.  

With every letting go I still think back to an article I read many years ago.  The article said that allowing our kids to be independent is hard, but the alternative of them depending on us forever is never what we dream of for our kids.  So although I feel like I'm losing something, I'm actually gaining something.  I get to watch my kids become independent, navigate the world, and gain confidence in themselves.  If I feel sad about it, at least I bought a giant bag of chocolate to hand out and can steal a few pieces.

Eighty-Nine Dollars

Eighty-nine dollars is a lot of money to some people.  To other people, it doesn't mean much.  For me, it's somewhere in the middle.  I'm at a point in my life where I don't have to count how much I'm spending at the grocery store when I put things in my cart (I'm having flashbacks to trying to shop at Whole Foods years ago when I couldn't go over $20) but I'm also not at the point where I can spend $100 on a dinner and not get agita.

About six weeks ago I had a muscle in my back tense up and it HURT!  I'm not talking the kind of "I slept wrong" or "I pulled a muscle and it'll be OK in a few days" hurt.  I'm talking the "I am popping Advil like I own stock in it and I've been cuddling with my heating pad more than my husband" kind of hurt.  

I decided to go get a massage.  I was hoping that would help.  So I forked over $119 (plus tip!) to see if it would help.

It did...but it didn't.  I knew that it was a good decision to go, but the massage therapist told me the muscle was so tight he couldn't completely break it up.  I was still in pain.  

Two weeks later I went back and that's when I made a decision for myself.  I signed up for the monthly membership.  I get one massage a month for $89 (plus tip!).  It's money I could save for my kids' college.  It's money that I might use to send my kids to camp.  It's money that I could use to get my kids new shoes, or clothes, or piano lessons, or a birthday party, or toys, or...

Wait.

Maybe I could spend some money on myself???  Maybe I could take one hour a month to do something for me???  Maybe I could do something to relax and stay healthy???

It's funny how parenthood changes you.  When I was young and single I could do whatever I wanted for me.  I could spend my money any way I wanted because it only impacted me.  When I met Derek we both earned enough money that we could, for the most part, spend money any way we wanted.  The spending only impacted us but we were able to afford it.  Once Derek and I had kids, my earnings went down significantly and our spending went up.  My relationship with money changed.  For years my idea of splurging was buying lunch at Chipotle for 8 bucks but I definitely wouldn't buy a drink because who had two dollars for a soda?!?!?  With kids who are now more independent and my ability to work from home, I'm earning money again.  And I decided that I can take $89 a month for me.

It seems like a little thing, but it's not.  As a parent, we give up everything for our children.  We give up time, sleep, vacations, etc.  Slowly but surely we have to learn to take our lives back.  My kids are living their best lives - summer camp, chess club, music lessons, play dates, movies on demand, etc.  Maybe it's time I started to live my best life again as well.  If it's $89 to achieve that, I think it's worth it.

The Parent Test

Has it really been two years since I posted?  That's insane.  But it also makes some sense.  Life with almost 11 year old kids is much less chaotic than life with a couple of 4 year old kids.  Things are calmer.  The house is (just slightly) less messy.  My daily life is calmer.  The crazy behaviors of toddlers and young children have started to wane.  I have more time to be me and pursue my own life since I don't have to watch the kids every waking moment of their lives.

I now have tweens.  I have not been excited for the upcoming moody teen years.  That is something that I have always predicted would be rough.  Although I'm still not excited for the eye rolling and the mood swings, it doesn't scare me quite as much because I see that there are some positive parts to that stage, too.  My mother said she liked the teen years because she could have conversations with my brother and me that were more interesting and I get that now.

Our family conversations recently got interesting thanks to a TV show called "The Parent Test".  It's a reality show where parenting styles are "tested" with challenges to see which parenting style produces the most emotionally healthy kids and families.  The 12 styles include traditional, intense, free-range, negotiation, and more.

Yes, I know this is reality TV.  Yes, I get that this is not a scientific study.  Yes, I get that no parent is 100% of a style 100% of the time.  As I look at my own experiences as a parent I realize that I am a mix of a bunch of styles.  Sometimes I'm more permissive, sometimes I'm stricter, sometimes I'm more hands on, etc.  

This show was going to be for me and me alone.  However, my kids saw a commercial for it and wanted to watch it.  I was skeptical.  After watching a few episodes - first by myself and then with my kids - we have had some great conversations about why some parents push their kids to do math problems on the weekends, force their kids to eat food they hate, allow them to play in the dirt, etc. and why some parents do the exact opposite.  The show also has brought up issues of racism, abuse, and other heavy issues.  The show is helping them see that the choices we make as parents in a very messy, complex world are made out of love and because we want to teach skills that we think they need.  They are also learning there is not one right way to parent and no parent is perfect.

Reality shows get a bad rap.  I'm still angry about a network thinking "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire" was a good idea but gay marriage destroys the **cough cough** sacred **cough cough* institution of marriage.  But sometimes reality shows have a silver lining and can teach us a little more about the world and human experiences.

Leaving the House

Today the kids and I left the house for a play date at a playground.  Do you know what happened?  I told the kids we were going to leave the house soon.  They got ready.  We left.

That's it.  End of story.

This may seem very unremarkable and it really is.  That's actually my point.  It doesn't feel like too long ago getting out of the house was a chore.  I would often be exhausted before I even got to my destination.  At first, excursions out took 30 minutes of packing a diaper bag with formula, bottled water, diapers, wipes, toys, a change of clothes, and more.  Later, leaving the house had to be carefully timed around naps and feedings.  As the kids got older we had to remember favorite stuffed animals, books, and snacks.  Often getting out of the house meant tears because someone wanted to stay home and play with trains or watch a cartoon.  And don't even get me started on tying shoes.  Many parents know that when a child wants to tie their own shoes that can add a good 15 minutes to the leaving the home process!

I never thought these easy (well, easier) days would come.  I remember touring several elementary schools when the kids were three years old and seeing third graders independently doing their school work.  I literally could not imagine my kids at that age, but here they are.  They make their own breakfasts and lunches several days a week, they play in their rooms independently, and they can often get themselves ready to leave the house (with a water bottle and a snack) in 10 minutes or less.  

Years ago I remember telling my mom that I was not looking forward to the teenage years.  My mom said she actually enjoyed those years with her kids because she got to speak to us on a new level.  As my kids get older, the teen years seem less overwhelming.  I do enjoy watching their independence grow, their sense of humor mature, and their brains tackle more complex issues.   

Next up -- leaving the kids home alone.  I know that level of independence is coming down the pipeline soon and then Derek and I can finally have a date night!!!

Independence

Many years ago when my kids were little (or maybe before they were even born?) I read an article that has stuck with me.  It talked about the sadness parents feel as their kids grow up.  Parents lament the losses: the smell of a new baby's head, walking down the street and your kid grabbing your hand, pushing your kid on a swing, etc.  As kids grow up, their worlds get larger and their connections to parents become weaker.  

For Hannukah my parents gave my kids Baketivity.  It's a monthly baking kit for kids that arrives in the mail.  Most of the dry ingredients are in the box as well as instructions and a little fun activity page.  So far we have baked chocolate and vanilla cupcakes to create a panda, snowball cookies and red velvet cupcakes.  My kids have told me in no uncertain terms that I am to stay away from the kitchen when they do these projects and let them bake alone.

The fear a parent has allowing their kitchen to be taken over by an unsupervised 8 year old is significant.  You wonder if powdered sugar will be found in the vegetable drawer or if red food coloring will permanently stain the ceiling.  You worry your child will get cut or burned.  You fret about having to eat an overly salty cake or rock hard cookies and while still rubbing your tummy and saying "Sooooo delicious.  Yum!"

But the reality is that although my kitchen is a total mess after they bake, there is value to giving them that independence.  They have such pride in showing us their creations and serving us dessert after dinner.  Aaron has even made up recipes and shared his creations with our neighbors.  (We were guinea pigs first and tried them before subjecting our neighbors.)  Cooking has been a way for my kids to gain independence, confidence, and life skills.

The article I mentioned before said that as parents we don't hold a baby in our arms thinking "I hope you live in my basement and stay dependent on me until you are 40 years old."  Parents have dreams that their kids will become an astronaut, develop a cure for a disease, or improve the world in some way.  We have to remember that if we want that to happen, when our kids wriggle their lilttle hands out of our hands, we have to let go, not grip tighter even if that means they are running into the kitchen to smear butter on the cabinets and sprinkle sugar on the stove.