Letting Go

 As part of my kids' preparation for their b'nai mitzvah ceremony, they had to go to a few Torah study questions.  I have attended the sessions with them and really have liked those discussions.  The rabbis from my congregation have done a really good job at reading the text, understanding that what was written thousands of years ago needs to be interpreted through a modern lens, and help us apply a lesson to our every day lives.

The most recent section of the Torah talked about the Sabbath and why we rest.  There was a discussion about why G-d, who can do anything and is all powerful, would need to take a day of rest.  Lots of people had a lot of theories and one in particular stuck with me.

The rabbi who was teaching that day talked about how writers create plays and stories, artists create songs, paintings, and sculptures, and everyone (at some point) writes reports, essays, speeches, and even emails.  We could keep working on those things forever since there can always be a way to add one more note, brush stroke, or graph.  But if we are constantly working on our projects, never stepping back from it, we never share our work with the world and let it come to life.

The rabbi took that concept one step further and applied it to our kids.  We can parent our kids forever.  We can "work" on them and continue to try to mold them into what we want but will we every feel like our work is done?  I doubt it.  At some point we have to let go and allow what we have created to enter the world so that others can get joy from them.  

It's hard as a parent to let go.  But it's also the way to see that all the hard work that we do as parents has paid off.  My kids are on the verge of adulthood and it's both scary to let them go and exciting to see them go.  Of course I want them to experience the world, but maybe a better thought is that it would be a shame if the world didn't experience them.  

💕💕💕

I Feel Like My Old Self --- Only Older

 As I look at my calendar these days I realize how full it is.  It's full partly because of the kids.  Between the two of them in one week they have three music lessons, three music rehearsals, chess club, computer coding, Torah tutoring, Hebrew school, and three clubs.  In addition to that we have extra activities like attending a friend's bat mitzvah, hanging out with a friend, going to the library, and squeezing in family time.  

But that's not the only reason I'm busy.

When I look at my schedule I have work which I have been doing for a while now.  The surprising part, though, is when I see that I've scheduled a massage for myself, I'm facilitating a parent group, I'm taking a 10 week French class, I'm going to a cupcake decorating class next month, I arranged a dinner with four couples, and this weekend we're heading to Providence, RI to surprise the kids with a magic show with a magician we have watched on TV.  I'm back to running on the treadmill.  I've also thought about auditioning for a play but realized that would just be too much.

I'm actually doing things for me now.  Years ago I remember talking with my mom complaining that I had no life.  She told me that the kids are only young for a short time and they wouldn't need me forever.  I doubted it at that time.  A decade is a long time but somehow time does pass and 10 years did actually happen.  My body definitely feels different.  My energy isn't what it was.  Sometimes I need to remember I'm not 25 anymore and I can't run on no sleep and Cheetos for a week.  But I'm doing things for me.  I'm feeling like my old life of organizing outings, seeing friends, and not letting life pass me by is back.  It feels odd at times to not have to think about the kids.  It's weird to focus on me again and in some ways it's uncomfortable.  But it's also a reminder that Derek and I have raised the kids to be independent, to explore the world, and to make their own way in life.   

Walking the Dog

I have tweens.  And the tween stage, like any other stage of parenthood, has its own unique set of thrills and challenges.  This is the time of life when my kids don't crave having me around.  They aren't trying to get me to play games with them every day and there aren't many "Hey Dad, watch what I can do" moments.  Finding family time gets harder and harder as my kids enter the world in different ways.

Most of the time loosening the cord is hard.  I don't know some of my kids' friends and I know even less about the parents.  Play dates are no longer play dates where the parents hang out and talk.  Now the kids coordinate hang outs on their phones (my "poor" kids only have a flip phone but at least they can text) and then just tell me who they are meeting and when.  

A few months ago the cord got looser when my kid got the opportunity to be a dog walker.  A neighbor was looking for someone to walk his dog from time to time and my kid was excited to A) spend time with a dog and B) earn some money.

I worried about my kid messing up but I also am learning I need to let my kid mess up.  (And so far they have not messed up and everything is going well.)  They needed a little bit of help learning how to navigate scheduling, asking for payment, etc. but it's exciting to see them take on this responsibility.

A couple days ago my kid asked if I wanted to walk the dog with them.  To be honest, I didn't.  I'm lazy in my old age.  At 4:00 p.m. it starts to get dark and cold.  So if I have the option of curling up under a blanket and watching TV or walking a dog in the cold you know which one I'll pick.  But I went with my kid of course.  Parents aren't always asked to tag along with their kids.  I've read enough parenting books to know that when your kid opens that door or extends an invitation you can't say no.  So off we went to the neighbor's house to get the dog for a 30 minute walk.

The part I want to remember is that is was fun.  It was nice to get to play with a dog, get in some exercise, and chat with my kid.  I know that my kid will continue to need me less and less while I want to be needed more and more.  That's just how this job works.  Parenthood is a job that comes with no pay, long hours, stress that causes gray hairs, etc.  But once in a while you get a great performance review from the other employees that makes you want to keep showing up and trying your best.

j

Reality

This morning has been hard.  It has been one year since the attack happened in Israel and war is still raging in the Middle East.  Hostages are still being held.  Innocent people are still dying on both sides. There is no end in sight.

Yesterday my kids went to Hebrew school and the school had a conversation about the war.  It makes me sad to think about what my kids have to learn as they grow up.  I know that we can't pretend the world is fine and everyone always gets along.  But it can be hard to think that my kids' brains have to process so much: the war in Ukraine, the war in Israel, the vitriol from the right against transgender people, George Floyd and racism, COVID/mask wars, xenophobia and the rhetoric against immigrants, etc.  

I wonder if, when my kids are 25 or 30 years old, if I'll still feel the need to protect my kids from the cruelty happening in this world.  I wonder if my parents feel that way about me.  Stress and adversity are parts of life.  We all have to experience them in order to grow and mature and cope with life's ups and downs.  Still, it's hard to not be able to fix -- or even explain -- the cruelty in this world as my kids enter it.

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I've been sitting here trying to think how to wrap up this entry and I don't really have a nice silver lining.  It is what it is.  Sometimes I just have to be OK not being OK for a little while.  

Love You More

 I don't really remember when it started...or how.  

I think it was my mother-in-law who started telling my kids "Love you more!!!" and they would reply back "No, I love you more!!!"  They would go back and forth saying that phrase over and over trying to prove who loves who more.  Of course the kids would always win.  

Over the years my parents have picked up on the game.  The kids play it with all four of the grandparents yelling "Love you more" before hanging up the FaceTime call.  We say it to each other as we run out the door, when going to bed, and when getting dropped off for school.  We write it in Mother's and Father's Day cards and birthday cards, say it in Spanish and ASL, and I even had it etched onto a keychain as a gift for everyone in the family.  

My kids are 11 now and will be 12 soon.  The game still usually happens when we are at home and it's just the four of us.  In the mornings, however, when their friends come over before heading off to school, they don't yell it as they walk out the door.  Maybe if one of my kids is straggling behind the group I'll hear it quietly or see the ASL sign for it, but I get how that's not something that middle school kids will do in front of their peers.  

It's the days when they get out of the car and or walk away in the middle of a FaceTime call without saying it that I notice.  These kids are growing up and growing up means change.  I can choose to focus on all I'm losing, but I try to remember that with maturity and growth I get to love them a different way.  Maybe they don't grab my hand as we walk down the street, make Play-doh pizza for me or say "love you more" all the time, but I get to support them as they become independent and explore the world on their own.  Helping them spread their wings and fly is showing love.  

Years from now, when they are grown up and perhaps when they have kids of their own, they'll know that all the things that Derek and I (and their extended family) did for them shows them that the goal isn't to love more -- the goal is to just love with all you can.

Halloween

Wow...once again it has been a long time since I posted.  I do think about this blog quite a bit.  In the mornings while I'm getting the kids ready for school or after a particularly deep or funny conversation I think to myself "I need to write about that" and then never do.  I get busy with a million other things.  Yesterday alone I went to Walmart and Costco, cleaned the house (ugh...I never got to raking leaves), dealt with invoices, cooked dinner, helped with homework, sent emails booking bass and trombone lessons, emailed the Hebrew school, had a conversation about the war in Israel with the kids, ordered holiday gifts, and more.  

It.  Just.  Doesn't.  Stop.

The other thing I did was I drove to a fancy donut shop to get Halloween donuts.  I love donuts.  And I love Halloween.  I got so excited when the kids were little and they started to understand the concept of Halloween.  I had fun when they started to pick out their costumes, talk about their favorite candies, and watch "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" and other Halloween specials.  Since moving to our home we have gone trick or treating with the same neighbors every year and it has been wonderful to watch the kids get more independent.  Our street is mobbed on the holiday and we get maybe 150-200 kids coming to our house.  It's so much fun.  Many neighbors put up elaborate decorations and we have turned our garage into a haunted house the last two years complete with boxes you can put you hand in to touch eyeballs, brains, spiders legs, witches teeth, skin and more.

So this year, when I asked my kids what they planned to do for Halloween and they shrugged and didn't seem excited, my world collapsed.

They're only 11 and a half and they should be out grabbing as much candy as they can.  One kid planned to trick or treat with a couple friends and will just put on the hamster pajamas they use for sleeping.  The other said he planned to watch a movie with a friend.  "Don't you want any candy this year?" I asked.  "I guess I can throw on my costume from last year and hit a few houses before the movie" was the reply.

The disappointment isn't so much about the fact that I won't get to secretly steal some Baby Ruths and Reese's Pieces -- although if I'm being honest that is part of the disappointment.  The disappointment comes from the fact that childhood is ending.  The days of tickle fights and silly voices and piggy back rides are ending.  As one friend just said, "You never know when something will be your last."  I knew I didn't have many years left to go out on Halloween with my kids, but I didn't realize this year would be so different than the last one.

This time is coming with a lot of good and bad.  I love that I went back to work full time as a freelance interpreter.  My kids are old enough for me to do that now.  I miss that they used to have simple problems I could solve with a lollipop and a hug.  I love that I can have complex conversations about the world with them.  It can be hard that they experience the world without me when they go into town with their friends for lunch.  

With every letting go I still think back to an article I read many years ago.  The article said that allowing our kids to be independent is hard, but the alternative of them depending on us forever is never what we dream of for our kids.  So although I feel like I'm losing something, I'm actually gaining something.  I get to watch my kids become independent, navigate the world, and gain confidence in themselves.  If I feel sad about it, at least I bought a giant bag of chocolate to hand out and can steal a few pieces.

Eighty-Nine Dollars

Eighty-nine dollars is a lot of money to some people.  To other people, it doesn't mean much.  For me, it's somewhere in the middle.  I'm at a point in my life where I don't have to count how much I'm spending at the grocery store when I put things in my cart (I'm having flashbacks to trying to shop at Whole Foods years ago when I couldn't go over $20) but I'm also not at the point where I can spend $100 on a dinner and not get agita.

About six weeks ago I had a muscle in my back tense up and it HURT!  I'm not talking the kind of "I slept wrong" or "I pulled a muscle and it'll be OK in a few days" hurt.  I'm talking the "I am popping Advil like I own stock in it and I've been cuddling with my heating pad more than my husband" kind of hurt.  

I decided to go get a massage.  I was hoping that would help.  So I forked over $119 (plus tip!) to see if it would help.

It did...but it didn't.  I knew that it was a good decision to go, but the massage therapist told me the muscle was so tight he couldn't completely break it up.  I was still in pain.  

Two weeks later I went back and that's when I made a decision for myself.  I signed up for the monthly membership.  I get one massage a month for $89 (plus tip!).  It's money I could save for my kids' college.  It's money that I might use to send my kids to camp.  It's money that I could use to get my kids new shoes, or clothes, or piano lessons, or a birthday party, or toys, or...

Wait.

Maybe I could spend some money on myself???  Maybe I could take one hour a month to do something for me???  Maybe I could do something to relax and stay healthy???

It's funny how parenthood changes you.  When I was young and single I could do whatever I wanted for me.  I could spend my money any way I wanted because it only impacted me.  When I met Derek we both earned enough money that we could, for the most part, spend money any way we wanted.  The spending only impacted us but we were able to afford it.  Once Derek and I had kids, my earnings went down significantly and our spending went up.  My relationship with money changed.  For years my idea of splurging was buying lunch at Chipotle for 8 bucks but I definitely wouldn't buy a drink because who had two dollars for a soda?!?!?  With kids who are now more independent and my ability to work from home, I'm earning money again.  And I decided that I can take $89 a month for me.

It seems like a little thing, but it's not.  As a parent, we give up everything for our children.  We give up time, sleep, vacations, etc.  Slowly but surely we have to learn to take our lives back.  My kids are living their best lives - summer camp, chess club, music lessons, play dates, movies on demand, etc.  Maybe it's time I started to live my best life again as well.  If it's $89 to achieve that, I think it's worth it.

The Parent Test

Has it really been two years since I posted?  That's insane.  But it also makes some sense.  Life with almost 11 year old kids is much less chaotic than life with a couple of 4 year old kids.  Things are calmer.  The house is (just slightly) less messy.  My daily life is calmer.  The crazy behaviors of toddlers and young children have started to wane.  I have more time to be me and pursue my own life since I don't have to watch the kids every waking moment of their lives.

I now have tweens.  I have not been excited for the upcoming moody teen years.  That is something that I have always predicted would be rough.  Although I'm still not excited for the eye rolling and the mood swings, it doesn't scare me quite as much because I see that there are some positive parts to that stage, too.  My mother said she liked the teen years because she could have conversations with my brother and me that were more interesting and I get that now.

Our family conversations recently got interesting thanks to a TV show called "The Parent Test".  It's a reality show where parenting styles are "tested" with challenges to see which parenting style produces the most emotionally healthy kids and families.  The 12 styles include traditional, intense, free-range, negotiation, and more.

Yes, I know this is reality TV.  Yes, I get that this is not a scientific study.  Yes, I get that no parent is 100% of a style 100% of the time.  As I look at my own experiences as a parent I realize that I am a mix of a bunch of styles.  Sometimes I'm more permissive, sometimes I'm stricter, sometimes I'm more hands on, etc.  

This show was going to be for me and me alone.  However, my kids saw a commercial for it and wanted to watch it.  I was skeptical.  After watching a few episodes - first by myself and then with my kids - we have had some great conversations about why some parents push their kids to do math problems on the weekends, force their kids to eat food they hate, allow them to play in the dirt, etc. and why some parents do the exact opposite.  The show also has brought up issues of racism, abuse, and other heavy issues.  The show is helping them see that the choices we make as parents in a very messy, complex world are made out of love and because we want to teach skills that we think they need.  They are also learning there is not one right way to parent and no parent is perfect.

Reality shows get a bad rap.  I'm still angry about a network thinking "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire" was a good idea but gay marriage destroys the **cough cough** sacred **cough cough* institution of marriage.  But sometimes reality shows have a silver lining and can teach us a little more about the world and human experiences.

Leaving the House

Today the kids and I left the house for a play date at a playground.  Do you know what happened?  I told the kids we were going to leave the house soon.  They got ready.  We left.

That's it.  End of story.

This may seem very unremarkable and it really is.  That's actually my point.  It doesn't feel like too long ago getting out of the house was a chore.  I would often be exhausted before I even got to my destination.  At first, excursions out took 30 minutes of packing a diaper bag with formula, bottled water, diapers, wipes, toys, a change of clothes, and more.  Later, leaving the house had to be carefully timed around naps and feedings.  As the kids got older we had to remember favorite stuffed animals, books, and snacks.  Often getting out of the house meant tears because someone wanted to stay home and play with trains or watch a cartoon.  And don't even get me started on tying shoes.  Many parents know that when a child wants to tie their own shoes that can add a good 15 minutes to the leaving the home process!

I never thought these easy (well, easier) days would come.  I remember touring several elementary schools when the kids were three years old and seeing third graders independently doing their school work.  I literally could not imagine my kids at that age, but here they are.  They make their own breakfasts and lunches several days a week, they play in their rooms independently, and they can often get themselves ready to leave the house (with a water bottle and a snack) in 10 minutes or less.  

Years ago I remember telling my mom that I was not looking forward to the teenage years.  My mom said she actually enjoyed those years with her kids because she got to speak to us on a new level.  As my kids get older, the teen years seem less overwhelming.  I do enjoy watching their independence grow, their sense of humor mature, and their brains tackle more complex issues.   

Next up -- leaving the kids home alone.  I know that level of independence is coming down the pipeline soon and then Derek and I can finally have a date night!!!

Independence

Many years ago when my kids were little (or maybe before they were even born?) I read an article that has stuck with me.  It talked about the sadness parents feel as their kids grow up.  Parents lament the losses: the smell of a new baby's head, walking down the street and your kid grabbing your hand, pushing your kid on a swing, etc.  As kids grow up, their worlds get larger and their connections to parents become weaker.  

For Hannukah my parents gave my kids Baketivity.  It's a monthly baking kit for kids that arrives in the mail.  Most of the dry ingredients are in the box as well as instructions and a little fun activity page.  So far we have baked chocolate and vanilla cupcakes to create a panda, snowball cookies and red velvet cupcakes.  My kids have told me in no uncertain terms that I am to stay away from the kitchen when they do these projects and let them bake alone.

The fear a parent has allowing their kitchen to be taken over by an unsupervised 8 year old is significant.  You wonder if powdered sugar will be found in the vegetable drawer or if red food coloring will permanently stain the ceiling.  You worry your child will get cut or burned.  You fret about having to eat an overly salty cake or rock hard cookies and while still rubbing your tummy and saying "Sooooo delicious.  Yum!"

But the reality is that although my kitchen is a total mess after they bake, there is value to giving them that independence.  They have such pride in showing us their creations and serving us dessert after dinner.  Aaron has even made up recipes and shared his creations with our neighbors.  (We were guinea pigs first and tried them before subjecting our neighbors.)  Cooking has been a way for my kids to gain independence, confidence, and life skills.

The article I mentioned before said that as parents we don't hold a baby in our arms thinking "I hope you live in my basement and stay dependent on me until you are 40 years old."  Parents have dreams that their kids will become an astronaut, develop a cure for a disease, or improve the world in some way.  We have to remember that if we want that to happen, when our kids wriggle their lilttle hands out of our hands, we have to let go, not grip tighter even if that means they are running into the kitchen to smear butter on the cabinets and sprinkle sugar on the stove.

Just One Moment

I will forever be grateful to my friend Jody.  

During my senior year of college I took a six week American Sign Language class for fun.  I have always loved languages and I really enjoyed the class.  A few weeks after the class ended Jody invited me to see a production of "Blithe Spirit" she was stage managing that was performed in ASL.  Watching that show was mesmerizing.  I was hooked on learning more about the language and culture.  

Fast forward a couple years and Jody and I had both completed our first tour as actors.  I had joined a second tour and Jody had moved to New York City.  One day we were talking and she mentioned her work as a sign language interpreter.  "WHAT???  *mind blown*  That's a job?!?!?!  I had no idea I could use ASL for work.  That conversation put me on a path of a new career.  It's a career that has provided me with a whole new community, new friends, flexibility to work while pursuing other interests, and the ability to work all over the country.  

This morning Aaron and I were at the kitchen table together.  I was reading an article about the top inventions of 2020.  One invention was a robot that was designed to support a child's social skills.  We talked about why kids would need something like that.  We discussed what autism means, how that impacts someone's ability to socialize, and how an invention like this could help.  

After the conversation I wondered if Aaron would remember this moment years from now.  I think about those interviews with people who accomplish great things who say things like "I remember when I walked by a homeless man with a dog and that let me to start a non-profit to create a homeless shelter that accepts pets" or "I had a neighbor who was blind and that inspired me to become a teacher at a school for blind children."  

I don't imagine Aaron will work with robots.  Aaron is not into math, science and technology.  Today will probably not be one of those life changing moments for my kid.  However, I wonder if, 20 years from now, we will be able look back at a moment, an experience, a person, or something else in my kids' lives that put them on a specific trajectory.  

One more story: when I was four years old I went to go see "The Nutcracker."  Five minutes into the show I was hooked.  At that moment I knew I wanted to perform.  It's a feeling that has stayed with me for 40ish years.  I wonder if my mom had taken me to a science museum that day instead of a ballet, maybe I would have invented that robot in the magazine.  We'll never know for sure, but it's fun to consider the possibilities.

Peers

A thought has been running around my head today.  It's a thought that pops up in my head from time to time and today it has been swirling around again.  

I think the thought appeared because I had a (socially distanced and masked) conversation with some lovely neighbors who have kids the same age as mine.  We were talking about what this year has been doing to our kids on every level: academically, socially, mentally, emotionally, etc.  Our general consensus for our families is that we are not overly stressed about our kids on an academic level.  We are more concerned about what is happening in our kids' brains and hearts.

So the thought bouncing around my head is this: the kids who are my kids' peers are really the ones who determine if my kids will thrive or crumble.  

Stay with me for a minute as a I ramble...

Today we watched a show in which two boyfriends competed as a team.  After winning the competition one boyfriend proposed to the other.  My kids had no questions about it.  They didn't see this as anything unique or different or needing an explanation.  (Of course having gay dads is the main reason this is just normal for them.)  And I thought to myself that when kids accept gay couples as just a regular part of life it changes how they react to others.  When a friend comes out in high school (or junior high even) as LGBTQIA++ that kid could face two realities: he/she/they could be supported or ostracized.  That child could feel safe and comfortable and happy and accepted and all those other warm fuzzy feelings, or the child could become the laughing stock of the school and talking with that person could be social suicide.  The other kids in school have such power over that kid just based on their responses.  What makes that child different could become a positive or a negative based on how other kids react.

The same holds true for a kid with a stutter.

Or a kid in a wheelchair.

Or a kid who is homeless.

Or a kid with autism.

Or a kid who is bi-racial.

Or a kid who is overweight.

Or a kid who is any number of things that don't fit our majority version of our world.

As my kids grow up and boys and girls separate, jocks hang out together and look down on the awkard kids, cool girls decide who isn't cool, smart kids get labeled as "nerds" and sometimes try to hide their academic skills, and everyone finds their own groups the judgement becomes harsher.  This year I can't imagine almost any kid coming out of the pandemic unscathed in some way.  Kids will lose friends due to isolation, feel more anxious due to a parent's stress, struggle with academic subjects, and more.  Every kid could use a little kindness and acceptance as we make our way back to some sort of normalcy in a few months.  Can you just imagine a world in which kids supported each other instead of judged each other?  Can you picture a world in which every child felt safe around their peers to just be who they want to be?  My dream is for my kids to be in school, focus on learning, and not worry about what others want them to be.  

I guess, after writing this, my dream is nothing new or revolutionary.  It's just worrying about what my kids will face as they grow up.  Peer pressure is real.  All those "-isms" we read about are real.  

But what if they weren't?  What a beautiful world that would be.

COVID-19 and Parenthood

Here we are.  We are more than 8 months into the COVID-19 pandemic and we still have no end in sight.  Things were a little better in the summer but now everything is going to hell and we don't even get a handbasket.  I recently had the same conversation twice and it went like this.

OTHER PERSON: How are you holding up?

ME: I'm fine.

OTHER PERSON: Really?

ME: Yeah, I am a homebody.  I'm enjoying not having to wear dress shoes to work, not getting in my car to fight traffic every day, and I'm actually working more and earning more money than I have in the past because I'm not dependent on squeezing in work during the few hours the kids are in school.  I'm definiltey one of the fortunate ones.  But the hard part of all this is my kids.  I don't know if I made the right decision for them and I'm worried this pandemic is hurting them.  That crushes me.

In August conversations schools started.  I attended a bunch of Zoom meetings to hear how my kids' school was going to keep them safe.  I started to learn more about ventilation systems than I ever thought I would.  Emails and texts between parents were flying around asking what people heard and who knew what and who was pulling their kids out versus who was fighting to keep schools open.  Suddenly I became one of those parents who got involved in school issues.  I looked up the school committee's email and starting asking questions.  At one point I made a list of 27 questions.  Some were complex (like "what's the social-emotional value of being in a classroom if you can't play with your friends?") but most were simple (like "what does a mask break look like?" or "will kids be doing work on paper or will it all be on computers?").  The school board directed me to their website and the FAQ tab.  

I looked.

I emailed again and said the FAQs gave me one answer and I still had 26 unanswered questions.  The school board told me "We won't have all the answers to hybrid learning.  If you're uncomfortable with that you should maybe consider the remote option."

I spoke with a friend.  She said, "That's odd.  I asked a million questions about the remote option.  I was told 'We won't have all the answers to remote learning.  If you're uncomfortable with that you should maybe consider the hybrid option.'"

$#*!  @**#^&  !&#%

That was no help at all.

We wound up pulling the kids out of school and going remote.  All was fine for a while - well, as "fine" as things can be in 2020.  As we move into darker, colder and more lonely months I worry if I made the right decision.  I think I did, but who knows.  In the last two weeks this has happened in my circle of friends...

• A friend who works at a school got an email Monday night saying school was closed ASAP until January
• One family got COVID (mom, dad and two kids) and one was hospitalized for over a week
• Another family got COVID (mod, dad, and two kids one of whom is 2 years old)
• A friend had 5 extended family members test positive
• A friend's wife is battling serious after-effects of COVID about 7 months after she tested positive
• Another friend and his brother tested positive
• A friend's mother tested positive
• A relative of mine
• A friend's grandfather went into the hospital (not for COVID), contracted COVID and died
• Two of Derek's co-workers had scares with COVID in their family
• A friend's son's entire class is now quarantining and that son is considered a close contact

Our governor (who is Republican but has a heart and a brain and courage) recalculated the risk of each city.  Somehow, two weeks ago, we went from 121 cities in Massachusetts that were at the red level to 16 because of a new formula.  A week later the number doubled.  We went to 30 cities in the red and then the governor suggested towns not in the red should get all kids back in school 5 days a week and any red city should do hybrid instead of remote learning.  My jaw droopped.  I get that the numbers are showing that schools aren't major spreading centers, but is that perhaps because thousand of kids in our state (and maybe millions across the country?) are NOT in school.  Can we really say that adding more kids into the mix is a good idea now?  I am not a scientist but my guess is that even if kids aren't symptomatic, more kids will catch it and bring it home to parents.  The map was updated again a few days ago and we're now at 62 cities in the red.

I'm risk averse.  I know that about myself.  And I get that most people who get COVID will get sick, recover after a week or two and be fine.  But if I'm one of the few who isn't lucky, I can't imagine it.  I don't want to have brain fog so bad I can't remember if I ate dinner an hour ago or not.  I don't want my kids to develop a heart condition that could cause problems for years.  I don't want to go into the hospital because I can't breathe and worry my kids.  

With Thanksgiving coming up I am angry.  I am angry that people feel that they need to eat a freakin' piece of turkey and a slice of pie with someone more than they need to protect their neighbors.  

I just don't get it and I am fearful of the world we live in now.  I don't like the world my kids are entering and that isn't a good feeling.

Toys and the Trash

I have been debating whether or not to post this.  It feels like I am revealing a huge secret.  It's a secret all parents know about but no one admits to doing -- kinda like watching reality TV or drinking from the milk container when you're too lazy to get a glass.  My children, when they read this, will be horrified.  It could potentially lead to decades of therapy...until they have their own kids and understand why I did what I did.

Here is my confession...

I go into their rooms and the basement when they are out of the house or asleep and throw away their stuff.

Now before you lock me up, let me explain.  It's not like I throw out the toys they get for their birthday or holidays.  I don't get rid of expensive toys, favorite stuffed animals, things they have bought with their own money, etc.  But, if you're a parent, you know the toys I'm talking about.  We all have them in our homes.  It's those bits of plastic toys that fit in a pocket that kids get from trading in tokens at arcades.  It could be that Earth-littering piece of junk your kid gets when a parent breaks down and take them to get a kid's meal at a fast food restaurant that they play with for 30 seconds and then leave on the floor.  I'm talking about "special" rocks and "special" twigs and "special" flower petals and "special" feathers and "special buttons" that are picked up on walks outsise.  It's the coloring pages that are only 25% colored and have been sitting, crumpled, in a corner for the last two weeks.  Maybe it's the bracelet your kid made in art class last summer at camp.  Or maybe -- and we all know this one -- it's whatever came in those dreaded goodie bag from a birthday party.

When you ask a kid if they want to keep something they made/found/bought/were given the invariable answer is "Yes, I looooooove/neeeeeeeed it."  Kids are like little hoarders who are future subjects of the show with the same title.  In order to break the damaging habit my strategy is to take something away and hide it for a week or two.  If I don't hear a "Hey...where's my (fill in the blank)?" after two weeks I feel it wasn't important enough to keep.

Do I feel guilty? 

Yes. 

Do I also feel relieved to get stuff out of my house? 

Yes. 

Will my children understand if/when they have kids? 

Yes. 

Will I laugh and laugh and laugh when they complain to me about all the junk they have accumulating in their houses thanks to their kids? 

Maybe.  (But probably yes.)

School and COVID-19

When COVID-19 started I was fine.  I was one of the lucky people.  Derek and I had jobs we could do from home.  I had stocked up on toilet paper and kitty litter so all the humans and cats could use the bathroom.  I had bought a few extra boxes of spaghetti and jars of peanut butter so I knew even if we got sick of peanut butter sandwiches and spaghetti dinners we could eat.  I figured the 2-3 weeks of quarantine would be OK.

The first week we were off school the school district decided the teachers needed a week to plan.  I knew I wanted to keep my kids in the academic mode so I started figuring out what to teach them.  I scoured the internet and found worksheets.  There were so many worksheets available.  I printed out vocabulary, time, and math worksheets.  Then I found cursive worksheets.  Perfect!  I hear that school doesn't teach kids how to write in cursive.  This will be a great two week project.  I'll teach them cursive.  I'm winning at this parenting thing.  I found a website to practice spelling.  Then I found a math website running a contest with super-creative math problems.  Then I remembered GoNoodle.com for movement (P.E. -- check!).  I found a great YouTube station for learning rhythms  (music -- check!).  Facebook became rife with posts by parents advertising Mo Willem's daily lunchtime doodle vlog (art -- check!) and the Cincinnati Zoo live feed (science - check!).  I even found a video explaining the national census to kids (social studies -- check!)   I was winning at parenting AND homeschooling.  I was up until midnight every night looking for things to do and planning activities while still taking care of kids, working, prepping three meals and two snacks a day and fending off a killer virus.  Sure...this seemed doable for a few weeks.

The following week we got some resources for the kids from the school.  They would send us some websites to check out and apps that were good.  Yes, I will take that subscription to EPIC books.  That's awesome.  Oh, and the typing app is great, too.  Please send me the code.  But the other things you're recommending??? -- no thanks.  No, I won't set up an art project involving paint.  I really don't have time to clean up that mess between loads of laundry.  Ummmm...I'm not going to set up a mini golf course in my backyard, P.E. teacher.  It's 40 degrees outside, I don't have six cardboard tubes from paper towel rolls and I have to answer about 100 emails.  And while I appreciate the idea, I'm not going to create a number wheel out of tools MacGyver would use and practice my 10 frames because I have to go out to the store today in my mask made out of an old sock to buy some fruit so my kids don't get scurvy after living on boxed mac 'n cheese for the last week!

Then, if I remember correctly, (and who does because I was spending my time arguing with "friends" on Facebook that neither Bill Gates nor Dr. Fauci created the Coronavirus and despite the fact that one lady on YouTube with no medical training has 10,000 followers she did NOT come up with a cure for the virus) online school changed again.  We got a new app and now the work was required...or was it?  No one knows.  Both kids hated it.  One kid did it and hated it.  One kid couldn't figure out how to work the app and hated it.  I tried working the app.  I also couldn't figure out the &*#!-ing app and I hated it.  What the hell button do I push?  How do I record a *&$#@-ing response?  I don't know!!!!  Grrrrrrr.  I spoke with one teacher and told her my kid thought the work was boring.  (I had heard the material couldn't be new because not every kid could access the information and it's not fair to teach new material if not everyone can access it.)  I was told he should try but he doesn't have to do everything.  It's not mandatory.  I spoke with my other kid's teacher who said "Your child should be doing the work independently."  I wanted to lash out and yell, "Oh really?  Well, that's a nice thought but it ain't happening.  Have you seen an 8 year old work this app?  It's complicated!!!  I'm 44 and can't figure it out!!!!!!!"  But I was respectful.  I asked if the work was mandatory because he was doing fine when I created the curriculum and I was giving him spelling, music, math, science and more.  I was told "It is mandatory."

WTF?!?!?!  Why am I getting two different answers?

Then a miraculous thing happened.  Both kids figured out the app.  They were waking up early, running to their iPads and finishing their work quickly.  Somehow life got simpler which was good because now I had to prepare for murder hornets coming and I didn't have time to help my kids create a rectangular pyramid out of marshmallows and toothpicks.

Meanwhile Facebook memes keep telling me that I should appreciate teachers more now that I've had a taste of working as one.  Maybe I'm just lashing out but those "funny" memes really make me mad.  Yes, teachers should be appreciated...but don't think for one second that what parents are doing is anything like what teachers do.  We are working with our own kids (and we all know how kids respond to their parents and teachers is completely different), we are juggling jobs and home life in addition to school, and our kids are not in a typical learning environment.  Our children miss their friends, activities and daily routines.  You can tell me I'm being overly sensitive, but it's not really funny to see memes laughing at parents drowning in their attempts to be teachers. 

Next week it will change again.  Instead of three Zoom school calls a week for each kid they will have five each.  I need to be careful what I wish for.  I wished for actual teaching to happen and I got it -- but it means more arguing with my kids that they need to stop playing and go to school -- or, ummm, log into (?) school.  Each day the struggles to get my kids to complete their work seem to get a little longer.  Today school took over four hours for one of them and included yelling and crying over a scarf dance.  We might get snow in May, cicadas are coming back soon to take over Virginia, and just to play safe (since I recently watched Jumanji) I'm not going to play any more board games for a while.  I don't know what I would unleash if I played a game of Mousetrap with my kids.

It was not a good day.  I'm stressed.  I'm frustrated.  I'm upset.  Tomorrow might be better.  It might be worse.  No one knows what each day will bring.  This is the lot of a parent in 2020 right now.  Let's just say that out of my two human kids and two fur kids my favorite right now is probably the one who pooped on the floor.

I try to remind myself I'm one of the lucky ones.  I have a home with cabinets filled with food.  I have a car that works so I can go to the grocery store without riding on a bus.  I have enough money in the bank that I'm not on the verge of losing my house.  I have a yard for my kids to run in and burn off some energy. 

I'm healthy. 

I'm safe.

I'm tired.

Emotions

Jeff has a habit of piling blankets, pillows, stuffed animals and whatever else he can find on top of himself and tuning out the world when he gets upset or sad.  The first week or two we moved into our house and he wasn't sleeping in the same room as Aaron for the first time he slept under his bed which I think made him feel safe.  He finally stopped doing that when we told him he could take his mattress out of his room and bring it into Aaron's room.

A couple days ago, when Derek told me that Jeff was buried under blankets and holed up in his sleeping bag, I went to see what happened.

I asked Jeff if he was OK.  He clearly wasn't.  He was extremely sad and holding onto his favorite teddy bear in a death grip.  He told me he was feeling sad as tears welled up in his eyes.  I asked him if he wanted a hug.  Although he sometimes doesn't want affection he welcomed a hug.

My mind started to race as to what was happening.  I wondered what big issue I was going to have to address.  Our cat is very old and sick and we have talked about death.  I thought maybe he realized that Derek and I are mortal and will be gone one day.  Maybe he realized HE will be gone one day.  Could that be it?  Maybe this COVID-19 pandemic was getting to him.  We just found out a few days ago school is cancelled for the rest of the year.  Could he be sad about that?  Maybe he's upset because he can't see his teachers or his friends?  What new, complex, problem with no solution would I have to explain before noon?

"Can you tell me what's making you sad?" I asked.

He nodded.

"What's up?" I gently asked.

The tears started to flow.  In a strained voice he managed to say, "Aaron gave away his bear and that's my bear's best friend!"

(Whew.  This I can handle.  This isn't a death/pandemic/origin of life level kind of question.)

Aaron, who wanted more stuffed animals, had agreed to get rid of some that he didn't want and replace them with new ones.  Luckily Derek had packed them up but hadn't gotten around to donating and/or tossing them.  So bear's best friend is in the trunk of the car.

Bear and bear's best friend (neither of whom have names more descriptive than "bear" are now back together again.

Life In the Age of COVID-19

We're a few weeks into social distancing.  There are so many challenges to living in this world right now plus being a parent and a worker.  But before I go into that I should say that we are one of the fortunate families in this world.  Derek is working and I'm able to work part-time so we have income coming in.  We have food in our fridge, freezer, pantry, and basement.  My family is generally healthy so our risk is low.  We have awesome neighbors who are looking out for us.  We have iPads and computers and internet that allow us to connect in the limited ways that we can these days.  We aren't concerned about losing our homes or running out of medicine.  I recognize the stresses that we have are much lower than a lot of the stress levels that many people have these day.

Aaron and Jeff had their 8th birthday while we were isolated from the world.  Once again we were very fortunate.  We had gifts from the grandparents, aunt, and uncles arrive on time for the birthday so we had presents to open and keep us busy.  Three of our neighbors also dropped off gifts to add to our celebration.  We had pizza and cake and best of all we got a Zoom call with about a dozen friends to sing "Happy Birthday" to the kids.  Some people left after the singing.  Aaron and Jeff stayed on with maybe six or seven second graders and talked for another half hour.  That was the first time I cried.  I could just see how excited they were to connect with their friends and realized how much they are craving that interaction.

This week the kids had "Zoom school".  This was the second time I cried.  You can see how much the teachers miss being with their kids.  You can see how excited the kids are to see each other.  You can see how much everyone wants to connect with someone outside of their four walls. 

I wonder how this experience will impact this generation.  Throughout history there have been momentous events that shape a generation: The Vietnam War, 9/11, The Depression, school shootings, etc.  Although this is (hopefully) temporary and will only last a couple months, I wonder what this experience is doing to developing brains.  When this is done I wonder if people will cling to each other more, have more fear, or just hoard toilet paper and Clorox wipes for the rest of their lives. 

It will be interesting to see what kids remember from the experience.  Years from now, when my kids are grown, I hope that their memories of this time are more positive than negative, more happy than stressful, more cheerful than sorrowful. 

Am I Enough?

Parenthood is often filled with feeling not good enough.  Pretty much all parents  I speak to who are honest enough to open up say that they feel they don't spend enough time with their kids, yell too much, don't play enough, aren't involved enough, etc.  Rarely (if ever) do I hear a parent say "I'm nailing this parenthood thing!"  We just don't ever remember that our OK-- and even our days where we barely show up -- is really OK.

That's why we have to pay attention to little moments when something good happens and use those as our barometer that we are doing fine. 

A week ago Aaron decided that he was going to draw a picture based on "Reuse, Reduce, Recycle".  He made copies of the picture and then he and (awesome dad) Derek drove around town putting up the posters to make sure people knew how to save the planet.  He did this on his own with no prompting from an adult.

Kids are inherently selfish.  I've read some articles explaining why that is so.  It's some sort of survival of the fittest remnant from our caveman days.  It takes time (oh so much time) for kids to see the big world that is just outside of themselves.  Seeing Aaron use his time and energy to do something for the planet was amazing.  More and more parents say that their goal isn't for their kids to be smart, popular, or class president -- it's to be kind.  Well, I got that.  Mission accomplished.

Jeff surprised me this week with his kindness, too.  He decided to make a present for Aaron.  Their birthday is coming up and Aaron loves Hatchimal toys.  Jeff is making a house for Aaron's Hatchimals out of cardboard, tape, and construction paper and wants some Model Magic to make furniture for the house.  This isn't a quick run-into-your-room-and-grab-a-toy-you-hate-and-give-it-to-your-brother kind of present.  Jeff is thinking this out and knows what Aaron would like. 

So I beat myself up many days out of the year, but today I'll say that Derek and I are doing a good job and turning these kids into kind, caring, compassionate humans.  We need that kind of people in this world and we just got two more. 

Getting Sick Isn't So Bad

I was sick this past week.  Monday the kids were off school and I was dying for part of the day.  My limbs felt like they each weighed a ton.  My body ached.  I had a pounding headache.  Yet, overall, the day wasn't too bad.  If you're wondering why, it's because my kids are 7 -- well, 7 and a half if you ask them.

• They can play on their own.
• They can get a glass of water on their own.
• They can get dressed on their own.
• They can turn on Netflix on their own.
• When they are starving and approaching death because they haven't eaten in three whole hours they have even been known to spread some peanut butter on a slice of bread and call it lunch and they do this on their own!

I'm also thinking back to a time when they were maybe a year and a half and I was so sick.  I was on FaceTime with my parents and literally just collapsed onto the floor off camera.  I remember my parents trying to cajole two 18 month old kids into checking on me to make sure I was breathing.  (Just FYI, 18 month old kids don't know how to point an iPad camera on a sick parent who is lying on a floor.)  I could hear them talking to me but couldn't muster up the strength to stand or respond.  Lord knows how the kids survived being home with me that week.  Back then I probably had to just fill a trough with juice, leave out the Costco size box of goldfish crackers, and let Thomas the (Annoying) Train DVD run on repeat for 48 hours straight.  

I don't miss those days.  

My friend just gave birth to twins.  I don't envy her.  Those are some rough years ahead of her.  I love watching my kids grow to be independent...ish.  In a decade or so, when they finally leave the nest, I'm sure I'll long for the days of yore, but right now I'm thrilled that I can get sick and actually rest for an hour without worrying about diapers, bottles or a head getting stuck in the banister. (Well, I can't be too sure about that last one.)

My Kids Make Me Eat Better...And Worse

I recently had the experience of being childless and a bachelor again for a few days.  My husband and kids took a little trip and I had three days of being solo.  My husband came back and we had about a week of being wild and carefree again.  However, "wild and carefree" when you are a parent means that you clean the basement while your other half power washes the deck on the weekend.  Yes, it was a pretty pathetic carefree weekend.  When you're in your 40s and you have no time to do the every day life things, crossing off jobs on your "to-do" list becomes a thrill.

The thing I noticed most during this parenthood respite, though, was my eating habits. 

Allow me to explain...

In the first five years of being a parent I gained about 15 pounds.  I blamed my kids.  Well, to be fair, one kid didn't pry my mouth open at midnight while the other threw double stuff Oreos and cheesy nachos into it.  That was completely my own doing.  But staying home for months on end, giving up a career that I loved and dealing with two toddlers was quite stressful.  It made me eat -- a lot.  I was definitely one of those parents who couldn't wait for my kids to nap so I could break out the chocolate and Cheetos. 

When my kids were away, though, I noticed that I didn't want to cook or chop vegetables.  Dinner became a can of Spaghetti-Os or a frozen meal I could nuke if I didn't feel like treating myself with a take-out pizza.  I think, if I didn't have kids, I might never eat a string bean again.  But, because my kids eat string beans, I eat them too.

So the poor food choices children cause when you're up 20 hours a day with a crying infant and the fact that every parent has a secret stash of candy hidden in a box in the cabinets labels "lima beans" are real.  What is also real is that I eat an apple for snack when I really want a Snickers.  It means I buy purple carrots and gooseberries so we can try new produce.  And it means that I actually ate a brussel sprout because Derek made some and I had to prove to my kids that trying new foods are good for you.