My Fashionista

Every morning, when I dress the boys, Aaron takes some work.  He usually needs an incentive to get dressed like an apple or jumping on the bed or (yes, we have started TV) 30 minutes of Thomas the Train.  When he is focused on what he will get you can dress him in practically anything.  He isn't very choosy about his shirt, pants or socks.

Jeff sometimes needs an incentive, too, but not always.  More importantly, though, he spends a while picking out just the right outfit.  I thought I'd show you some of his creations. 

I'm Calling You Out, Parents Magazine!

'Tis the season, right?  Well, I'm Jewish and my season was over a while ago.  I'm ready to be snarky and cynical just as I promised in my last post!

My last posting was all warm and fuzzy for the holiday season, but things just got hard again and, for now, I'm through being happy about it.  Let's get real and talk about the the truth behind all the cute pictures.

On Xmas day the boys decided that it was time to make a break for it.  Perhaps they were trying to see Santa before he skipped town for another 364 days.  Maybe they thought there were more gifts coming since Hannukah is eight nights and they didn't realize all the gifts come in the morning on December 25th and there were no more to open.  It's possible they were looking for that fakakta elf sitting on a shelf everyone on the playground talked about that they never saw.  Regardless of the reason, the reality was that both boys learned how to jump over their crib railings and get to the floor. 

Yep, after 14 entries about sleep I thought I was done with sleep problems only to find out that was just the first leg of a marathon of sleep issues.  After doing some investigating on the internet I hear that the next few years hold all sorts of sleeping surprises: negotiating bedtimes, crawling into bed with the parents, fears that the scary wtiches from a movie live under your bed.  Oh wait...that last one was me.. 

I'll admit about a month ago things started to be great.  Tantrum were down and giggles were up in our home.  The boys seemed to be able to communicate their needs more and more and were in better moods about everyday things like getting diapers changed and brushing their teeth.  They were able to make up simple games with "rules" to follow and, once in a while, they even learned how to share or take turns.  This was beginning to look like the fatherhood I imagined.

That time was short lived and we're back to a lot of tantrums because they aren't held 24/7.  "UP!" is one of the most popular words -- or should I say demands -- in our home these days.  "Oooooooopen!" is common too when there is a demand for more milk and the fridge is closed.  Other frequently heard words are apple, cracker, and no usually yelled like a command.  (We don't give in to these demands.  We're like the U.S. government.  We don't negotiate with baddies.)

As luck would have it my new issue of Parents magazine came around the holidays filled with recipe and craft ideas.  Don't get me wrong, I love my $8-for-2-year subscription, but let's just remember that some of these "simple do it yourself projects" have been aided by Photoshop.  Here is the truth of how some of those recipes and arts and crafts projects will go if any of us attempt them at home.

Pinterest failures

My favorite is the parenting advice.  The so called experts make it sound so easy but the reality is they work as well as those Pinterest do-it-yourself-projects.  Let's take a look at some of the advice in the recent magazine, shall we?

 

Almost anything you might tell your child not to do can easily be rephrased in a more encouraging way.  Don't want her to stand on the kitchen chairs?  You can say, "Chairs are only for sitting, sweetheart."  You'll send the same message but get far better results.

REAL LIFE RESPONSE: When I follow this simple approach Aaron looks at me, smiles devilishly, and then stands up in his chair again.  I give him one more warning and tell him that I'm going to take the chair away if he stands on it again.  He does, I take the chair away and it ends in a tantrum on the floor.

If you get mad when he's having fun chucking blocks across the room, he may be less willing to give up the game because any attention is good attention.  Instead, try saying calmly, "Blocks are made for stacking, not throwing, honey."

REAL LIFE RESPONSE: Jeff looks at me trying to figure out how serious I am.  After a few seconds he decides to throw the toy.  He then looks at me and wags his finger saying "no no" proving that he knows right from wrong but then throws more blocks 10 seconds later.

When your 18 month old has her hands on her brother's toy and he wants it back, redirect her by saying, "Here are your bubbles - let's go blow them together."  Or put her in charge of choosing another activity.  If she's throwing wood chips at the playground, for example, you might say, "Do you want to go on the swings or climb on the bouncy bridge?  You can pick."

REAL LIFE RESPONSE: A week ago I spent about 40 minutes trying to get the boys to share a 99 cent, 4 inch plastic cow.  When Jeff had it Aaron would flail on the ground screaming.  When Aaron had it Jeff would cry and yell, "Moo moooooooo!"  I offered plastic horses, chickens, pigs, stuffed animals, crayons and about a thousand other toys but nothing stopped the fights over that damn cow.

So yeah, Parents magazine, thanks for nothing.  That kid smiling in the picture isn't happy because she listened to your calm voice redirecting her.  She's happy because you promised her if she smiled she'd get to eat as many cookies, donuts and cupcakes as she wanted from the Kraft food services table.  That's why she isn't crying and throwing a fit.  So let's be honest about children's responses to these so called magical solutions all you journalists and child experts.  Come to my house and watch me follow your "advice" and publish those pictures.  They may look a little something like this...

The Amazing Day

I started writing a posting that was a little anti-holiday spirit.  Not mean, just a little cynical and sarcastic.  Don't worry, friends, that one will appear soon, but it requires video and pictures so this technology-inept blogger needs some time to make that happen.

As a result, here is a filled-with-holiday-spirit post for your enjoyment.

I just finished watching a so-so movie called What To Expect When Expecting.  Yes, it's based on the book everyone knows and loves although it's more of a silly comedy about the ups and downs of pregnancy and parenthood than any kind of instructional video.  It's the kind of movie where you know how everything is going to end 10 minutes after it started.  I knew what to expect what watching What to Expect..

The post is about the scene when everyone gives birth.  There are several pregnancies in the movie and all the moms-to-be, in true Hollywood fashion, deliver at the same time.  Two characters adopt a baby from Ethiopia and we see the adoption ceremony and their first moments with their child while the other moms are giving birth. 

I admit it...I teared up a little.  Yes, Jennifer Lopez and what's-his-name-teacher-from-Glee actually made me tear up.  It wasn't because their acting was so good.  It's not because the movie is Oscar worthy.  It was because I remember exactly what I was feeling when my surrogate called me to say "It's time!"  We are getting close to two years since the day my boys entered my life and the emotions really are still strong and raw. 

I am constantly saying how hard parenthood has been.  I have gray hair, I stress eat, I have no social life, I'm always physically and mentally exhausted, I'm homebound some days, I've given up half of my career, etc.  I am clearly not living up to my first post when I swore I would cherish every day.  What was I thinking???  No one can do that.  Fatherhood days are filled with oatmeal hair and that one of a kind diaper genie smell.  It's hard to cherish sticky hair and I hope to forget that eau de genie smell.  What I can say for now while I'm at my quiet, clean, poop-free work zone is that I know I truly love my kids (and Derek for raising these boys with me) and how much they mean to me.  That day they were born is still inside me more than I realized and remember that day gives me a wonderful feeling.

Potty Training

My friend, A., has a daughter who was potty trained when she was 2 years old.  Not two and 11 months, not two and a month, but by her second birthday.  I was intrigued.  I know that girls tend to be trained faster than boys, but I was hopeful my boys would be exceptional and be trained by two as well.  She told me that from the day her daughter was born she had a potty chair set up.

I remember when Derek and I did the baby registry I told him I wanted a potty seat.  He thought I was crazy.  "No one needs a seat for the first two years," he said. 

Derek may be insanely smart and right about a million things, but I got this one right.

So I can't brag that my boys are potty trained by 21 months, but I can tell you a few stories. 

A friend was recently over our house.  Aaron randomly decided to walk over to the potty and sit down.  A minute later we both knew there was definitely a "Code Brown."  She asked if he always did that.  The truth is he does it quite a bit.  Both boys do.  They seem to know when they're about to go to the bathroom and they love sitting on the potty to do it.

Also, a few days ago I changed Jeff's diaper.  Not 10 minutes later he said "DIAPER!" to me.  I thought he was just practicing his words.  "DIAPER!" he yelled again using the sign for the word as well. 

"Yes, I know.  You just got a diaper change."

"Nooooooo!  D-I-I-I-I-I-APER!" insisted his cute, little voice.

Fine, I thought.  I'll just pull your diaper down and pull it back up.  This will fool that tiny, little brain of yours into thinking you got a new diaper and it will prevent a tantrum.  Sure enough, though, he knew what he was talking about and really did need a new diaper.

Hallelujah!  I'm thinking that potty training might be better and easier than we could have hoped it would be.  We seem to have boys who are understanding the concept of a toilet and dirty diapers.  We're not pushing it at all because we know it's way too early to really train them.  If anyone has any stories about early training or training boys or training twins I'd love to hear them. 

I Love Daddy!

It happened. 

And if I didn't believe my ears, it happened again.

And if I still was in shock it happened again and again and again.

A few hours ago Derek and I were on Skype with his mom so she could talk to the boys.  Aaron has started saying "nana" or "mama" for "grandma" when he wants to Skype with one of the grandmas.  I wanted to show off his new vocabulary and I asked him, "Who is that?"  hoping that he would say her name.

Sure enough, he said "mama" and everyone was thrilled.

Then we tried to get him to say "I love grandma."  What he said was...

I love...........Daddy!

I have to say that was a pretty exciting moment.  Through all the exhaustion and tantrums life with twin toddlers is often a blur, but I'm pretty sure I'll remember this night for a while.  He said it a few times and said it as I put him to bed too.  He also said "I love Jeff" which is pretty amazing too.

You Know You're A Parent When...

Either I'm looking for them more, noticing them more, or there just are more funny articles about being a parent.  Here is one that made me laugh several times.  It's scary how many I understand.  Let's just say grocery shopping has become my replacement for a night out with friends and since I hated laundry before I had kids #19 is a pretty common occurrence these days.  Oh, and while #16 sounds like an awesome idea my life is more like #14 thanks to some interest in potty training.  More on that later.


1. Instead of running from projectile vomit, you run towards it.
2. You do more in seven minutes than most people do all day.
3. Happy hour has become the 60 minutes between your kids going to bed and you going to bed.
4. A night of drinking requires more recovery time than minor surgery.
5. A glass of wine counts as a serving of fruit.
6. You have mini-therapy sessions all day long with anyone who will listen.
7. Going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.
8. You can experience heaven and hell at the same time.
9. You think of physical pain on three levels: pain, excruciating pain and stepping on a Lego.
10. You have the ability to hear a sneeze through closed doors in the middle of the night, two bedrooms away, while your SO snores next to you.
11. You'd rather have a 103 degree fever than watch one of your kids suffer with it.
12. You'd rather go to sleep than have sex.
13. A 15-minute shower with the door locked feels like a day at the spa.
14. Peeing with an audience is part of the daily routine.
15. You use baby wipes to clean up random spills and the dash of your car.
16. You lock yourself in the bathroom and pretend to have diarrhea just to get a break.
17. You love Moms' Night Out and Date Night with the Hubs.
18. You have a secret chocolate stash because frankly, you're sick of sharing.
19. You've been washing the same load of laundry for three days because you forgot to dry it.
20. You realize you've been watching Nick Jr. alone, even though your kids have been in bed for over 30 minutes.
21. You can cook dinner, breastfeed, talk on the phone and yell at the kids, all without breaking stride or missing any of the TV show you are watching.
22. You get more excited about the Mini Boden Catalogue than J Crew's.
23. You decide to stick with your car for the next decade because a) you can't afford to switch and b) you haven't found a car wash that knows how to get all the milk stains and glitter removed.
24. By the end of the day, brushing your teeth feels like a huge accomplishment.

What I'm Thankful For

Alright, folks, it's time to get real and by real I mean say all the things that parents are REALLY grateful for and not just say I love my family, my kids and my cat.  I wrote a little thank you on my surrogate blog a few weeks ago, but since posting that I have thought of a few more things that deserve some thanks.  Here goes.

1. I'm thankful for microwave ovens.  Yes, I know that there is more and more research about how heating plastic in the microwave causes all sorts of health problems.  And yes, changing the light bulb in the microwave is more complex than Sandra Bullock getting home in Gravity.  But let's face it, when you have two screaming kids there is nothing better than nuking some mac-n-cheese in a ceramic bowl in two minutes.  Lord knows how our parents endured our screams waiting for the water to boil, cooking the pasta, melting the cheese, etc.  The microwave also makes pretty good cookies and cakes in a mug for Daddy on those days when his stress level is high from hearing screams.

2. I'm thankful for Costco.  Kids need so much stuff.  If you can't find it at Costco, you probably don't need it.  We get cheap diapers, organic milk, year-round blueberries, toys, clothes and more from there.  Sometimes, for those extra long days of parenthood, we also buy some booze for Daddy!

3. I'm thankful for TiVo and Netflix.  I know the Powers That Be in the pediatric community say no TV until at least two years old.  I did really, really, really well with that for a long time.  At about 18 months or so I came to the conclusion that out of the 50 or so hours I spend with the boys awake each week it really is OK to turn on Barney for 20 minutes once a week.  The guilt that I am rotting their minds and causing ADHD lessens after 5 minutes when, for the first time in hours, I finally get to sit and zone out for a couple minutes. 

4. I'm thankful for Facebook.  It's true, Facebook steals our pictures, hoards our personal information and watches us like we're contestants on Big Brother but it also gives me a pseudo-connection to the outside world when I'm stuck at home listening to The Bear Went Over The Mountain on replay for 7 hours straight.  (Seriously...that's not made up.  I actually heard that song for 7 hours one day.)  Friends on Facebook give me great advice on car seat safety, recommendations on booster seats, where to bring my old baby clothes for tax deductions and, most importantly, links to really important articles like 31 Things No One Tells You About Becoming A Parent.
 
5. I'm thankful for Skype and Facetime.  Even though reheating dinner in the microwave only takes a couple minutes, it's still great to have Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle M., or Aunt A. show up on video to distract the kids for a few minutes and stop pulling down my pants as I try to put food into (non-cancer causing) microwave safe dishes.  More importantly, it's pretty cool that the boys know their family by face and not just a voice.  The extended family can be a part of Aaron and Jeff's lives in a much stronger way.  Everyone can see Jeff sneeze all over my hand or watch Aaron put puzzle pieces into the VCR.  In some ways watching the boys through video is better than in real life: there is no way to smell when a diaper needs changing.