Sunday, July 16, 2017

I Don't Know How To Tweet But I Like 'Em

I've never been great with technology but between Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Twitter, Snapchat and lord knows what else is out there that the kids are using these days I feel pretty old.  I don't know how to use most of those things.  But I recently saw hilarious tweets and felt like they're pretty appropriate to describing life with two five-year-olds.  Here are some of my favorites.

  • I'm glad we own 10,000 stuffed animals so my toddler can fall asleep cuddling a jar of peanuts. 
  • What I thought I would say as a parent: "You are going to change the world."                       What I say as a parent: "Stop licking the window."
  • I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics. 
  • In case you were on the fence about having kids my 3 year old threw a temper tantrum because her tongue is pink.
  • Right now I'm a dad playing hide and seek with my kid so I can actually get shit done while she thinks she has the "perfect" hiding spot.  
  • Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.  Then my four year old opens a door and runs into the door frame.  Then I know.
  • There is no greater love than the love a mother has for her children when they're sleeping.
  • The same kid who claimed she needs a fidget spinner because she "can't focus" just spent 8 minutes picking every sesame seed off her bagel.
  • My toddler wanted to have an argument about who pooped in the diaper she was wearing.  And it was the least crazy thing she did all day.
  • Bucket list 2003: Visit Rome, go skydiving, run marathon.                                                            Bucket list 2017: Eat sitting down, wake up naturally, finish painting foyer.
  • It's like the kids can just smell us relaxing.
  • Me: Time for bed.                                                                                                                     Kid: I'm not tired.                                                                                                                       Me: Brush your teeth first.                                                                                                          Kid: I'm too tired.
  • Kidless friend: What do you do all day?                                                                                   Me: (Looks around at mess) Honestly, I'm not sure.  But it makes me really, really tired.
  • Little does the bus driver know that "I love you" I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
  • Oh, you ran a 5K today?  Cool.  I buckled a toddler into a car seat twice today so we burned the same amount of calories.
  • I highly suggest you tell your kids to help clean up.  They won't do it, but they will disappear and leave you the hell alone for a few minutes.
  • Tonight's child meltdown brought to you by a restaurant that used real cheese in their mac-n-cheese instead of the powdered stuff.
  • Making breakfast for a child:  Step one: take order.  Step two: make whatever you want because they're going to hate it and you'll end up eating it.
  • When your son pours himself a cup of milk from the gallon jug and your life flashes before your eyes.
  • Husband: You should try going to bed earlier.                                                                           Me: You should take the 3 year old to work with you.                                                       Husband: I'd get nothing done.                                                                                                   Me: EXACTLY!
There are so many more I want to read.  There are literally 37 more pages of tweets and if I had the time to read them all I would but, y'know, just look above and pick one of the tweets because something like that is probably happening in my life right now.