Wow...once again it has been a long time since I posted. I do think about this blog quite a bit. In the mornings while I'm getting the kids ready for school or after a particularly deep or funny conversation I think to myself "I need to write about that" and then never do. I get busy with a million other things. Yesterday alone I went to Walmart and Costco, cleaned the house (ugh...I never got to raking leaves), dealt with invoices, cooked dinner, helped with homework, sent emails booking bass and trombone lessons, emailed the Hebrew school, had a conversation about the war in Israel with the kids, ordered holiday gifts, and more.
It. Just. Doesn't. Stop.
The other thing I did was I drove to a fancy donut shop to get Halloween donuts. I love donuts. And I love Halloween. I got so excited when the kids were little and they started to understand the concept of Halloween. I had fun when they started to pick out their costumes, talk about their favorite candies, and watch "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" and other Halloween specials. Since moving to our home we have gone trick or treating with the same neighbors every year and it has been wonderful to watch the kids get more independent. Our street is mobbed on the holiday and we get maybe 150-200 kids coming to our house. It's so much fun. Many neighbors put up elaborate decorations and we have turned our garage into a haunted house the last two years complete with boxes you can put you hand in to touch eyeballs, brains, spiders legs, witches teeth, skin and more.
So this year, when I asked my kids what they planned to do for Halloween and they shrugged and didn't seem excited, my world collapsed.
They're only 11 and a half and they should be out grabbing as much candy as they can. One kid planned to trick or treat with a couple friends and will just put on the hamster pajamas they use for sleeping. The other said he planned to watch a movie with a friend. "Don't you want any candy this year?" I asked. "I guess I can throw on my costume from last year and hit a few houses before the movie" was the reply.
The disappointment isn't so much about the fact that I won't get to secretly steal some Baby Ruths and Reese's Pieces -- although if I'm being honest that is part of the disappointment. The disappointment comes from the fact that childhood is ending. The days of tickle fights and silly voices and piggy back rides are ending. As one friend just said, "You never know when something will be your last." I knew I didn't have many years left to go out on Halloween with my kids, but I didn't realize this year would be so different than the last one.
This time is coming with a lot of good and bad. I love that I went back to work full time as a freelance interpreter. My kids are old enough for me to do that now. I miss that they used to have simple problems I could solve with a lollipop and a hug. I love that I can have complex conversations about the world with them. It can be hard that they experience the world without me when they go into town with their friends for lunch.
With every letting go I still think back to an article I read many years ago. The article said that allowing our kids to be independent is hard, but the alternative of them depending on us forever is never what we dream of for our kids. So although I feel like I'm losing something, I'm actually gaining something. I get to watch my kids become independent, navigate the world, and gain confidence in themselves. If I feel sad about it, at least I bought a giant bag of chocolate to hand out and can steal a few pieces.
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