Letting Go

 As part of my kids' preparation for their b'nai mitzvah ceremony, they had to go to a few Torah study questions.  I have attended the sessions with them and really have liked those discussions.  The rabbis from my congregation have done a really good job at reading the text, understanding that what was written thousands of years ago needs to be interpreted through a modern lens, and help us apply a lesson to our every day lives.

The most recent section of the Torah talked about the Sabbath and why we rest.  There was a discussion about why G-d, who can do anything and is all powerful, would need to take a day of rest.  Lots of people had a lot of theories and one in particular stuck with me.

The rabbi who was teaching that day talked about how writers create plays and stories, artists create songs, paintings, and sculptures, and everyone (at some point) writes reports, essays, speeches, and even emails.  We could keep working on those things forever since there can always be a way to add one more note, brush stroke, or graph.  But if we are constantly working on our projects, never stepping back from it, we never share our work with the world and let it come to life.

The rabbi took that concept one step further and applied it to our kids.  We can parent our kids forever.  We can "work" on them and continue to try to mold them into what we want but will we every feel like our work is done?  I doubt it.  At some point we have to let go and allow what we have created to enter the world so that others can get joy from them.  

It's hard as a parent to let go.  But it's also the way to see that all the hard work that we do as parents has paid off.  My kids are on the verge of adulthood and it's both scary to let them go and exciting to see them go.  Of course I want them to experience the world, but maybe a better thought is that it would be a shame if the world didn't experience them.  

💕💕💕

I Feel Like My Old Self --- Only Older

 As I look at my calendar these days I realize how full it is.  It's full partly because of the kids.  Between the two of them in one week they have three music lessons, three music rehearsals, chess club, computer coding, Torah tutoring, Hebrew school, and three clubs.  In addition to that we have extra activities like attending a friend's bat mitzvah, hanging out with a friend, going to the library, and squeezing in family time.  

But that's not the only reason I'm busy.

When I look at my schedule I have work which I have been doing for a while now.  The surprising part, though, is when I see that I've scheduled a massage for myself, I'm facilitating a parent group, I'm taking a 10 week French class, I'm going to a cupcake decorating class next month, I arranged a dinner with four couples, and this weekend we're heading to Providence, RI to surprise the kids with a magic show with a magician we have watched on TV.  I'm back to running on the treadmill.  I've also thought about auditioning for a play but realized that would just be too much.

I'm actually doing things for me now.  Years ago I remember talking with my mom complaining that I had no life.  She told me that the kids are only young for a short time and they wouldn't need me forever.  I doubted it at that time.  A decade is a long time but somehow time does pass and 10 years did actually happen.  My body definitely feels different.  My energy isn't what it was.  Sometimes I need to remember I'm not 25 anymore and I can't run on no sleep and Cheetos for a week.  But I'm doing things for me.  I'm feeling like my old life of organizing outings, seeing friends, and not letting life pass me by is back.  It feels odd at times to not have to think about the kids.  It's weird to focus on me again and in some ways it's uncomfortable.  But it's also a reminder that Derek and I have raised the kids to be independent, to explore the world, and to make their own way in life.