School Choices

It’s that time again.  It’s school lottery time. 

We live in a town that has something called controlled choice.  Basically that means I should go around to the dozen or so elementary schools and rank my top three choices.  Hopefully my boys will get into one of the top choices.  It’s all based on proximity, gender, socio-economic levels, siblings already at the school, etc.  I’m not sure I’m loving this process, although I guess I do like that there is some flexibility and some parental involvement as to where my kids will go.  As a renter it’s not the worst thing but I could see how people buying in this town might be upset that their children get placed at a school that is on the other side of town or ranked low according to some websites.

I’m getting off track. 

I went to my second school tour today.  While the tour guide was showing me the gym and the cafeteria and how the kindergarten kids have bathrooms inside their classrooms (yes, that is a big selling point) I started to tear up a little.  It wasn’t because of the excitement of knowing that my boys won’t have to poop with 5^th graders (although that is exciting).  It was the world of possibilities that awaits my kids.

During the two tours I have seen school gardens where the kids learn about growing vegetables.  I watched kids sing a song in a round.  I saw projects about families and animals hanging on classroom walls.  I visited libraries and saw where children learn to research projects and understand technology.  I went to an auditorium where students will watch performances and even produce their own musical.  The world is opening up for my boys and I am so excited to watch it happen.  I wonder if they will be interested in music and drama like me.  I wonder who their friends will be.  I wonder if they will excel at math or reading or science. 

I know as they grow I will have to deal with things that will hurt my heart: a boy who is upset he didn’t win first place in a science fair, a crying kid who was bullied on the playground, a sad child who didn’t get the role of the dolphin in the school play and has to be a whale.  As the years go on I’ll be dealing with peer pressure, staying out late, dating, driving and more.  For now, though, I’m going to try to enjoy the excitement of possibilities.  This is the joy part of All Joy And No Fun.  

I Love Onions

It amazes me.  It just amazes me.  Children have school personas and home personas that are as different as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  A teacher's experience with our children is often a far cry from what we parents experience at home.  Sometimes I think if I just had 8 or 9 more kids I could use that "group peer pressure to behave" that I'm always hearing happens at school.  Or sometimes I just think that kids should all win an academy award when they turn three years old.  Their ability to act is unparalleled and I swear my kids would beat out Meryl Streep if they were both nominated for "Best Faking of a Tummy Ache."

Last week and this week they learned about vegetables.  A few days ago they learned about potatoes and made mashed potatoes in class.  Then all the kids voted whether it was yummy or yucky.  My kids, who sometimes will take a couple bites of mashed potatoes but won't usually eat it, liked it.  It didn't surprise me too much because mashed potatoes are sorta close to French fries and my kids have been exposed to potatoes before.

The mind-blowing experience I had yesterday came when I picked up the boys from school.  While in school they tasted onions.  Not just any onion -- raw onion.  The teacher gave everyone a bite of red and yellow raw onions.  And you know what?  Both kids liked the purple onion and Jeff said he liked the yellow one too. 

Seriously, kiddos?!?!?!  You refuse to eat sugar and lemon covered carrots for dinner?  You take a bite of a potato latke covered in applesauce only after I beg you and bribe you with a donut?  We get into a fight about tasting a sweet potato that ends up with me locked in a bathroom crying on the floor?  And yet you say a raw onion is YUMMY??? 

Maybe I'll just offer to make dinner for the teacher every night if she comes over. 

All Joy And No Fun

This book is one of my new favorite books.  I got it a few months ago, read it within a few days, and started reading it again this week because I needed it again.  The premise of the book is this: There is so much research about how parents affect their children; this book is about how children affect their parents.

The writer talks a lot about the stress, isolation, depression, anxiety, feeling of wanting to run away from home some days, marital strain and a whole slew of other things that children bring.  It's all those nasty emotions that parents feel and aren't supposed to talk about because we're constantly told things like "children are a blessing" and "parenthood is the best job."  

Thank goodness for technology that allows me to call or video chat with some friends when I just need to vent about my life.  I have a few friends who let me say what I want to say no matter how un-P.C. it is to say it.  To most of the world I complain that my kids threw a fit about having to get into the car on the right side instead of the left with an chuckle.  I joke that my son will grow up to be an award winning actor because he is an expert at pretending he is sad or that his tummy hurts.  I laugh about the fact that my days are filled with making up inane puppet shows and reading the same book four times in an hour.  But the reality is that most days it sucks.  I don't always cope well with staying home so much.  

I can tell my support system that I'm stir crazy being cooped up in an apartment for weeks on end because it's just too hard to take two toddlers anywhere in the winter.  I can call and complain about how tired I am trying to juggle shopping lists, school schedules, doctor appointments, dentist appointments, vet appointments, my own medical appointments, paying bills, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, finding sitters, budgeting, planning a wedding across the country, car maintenance, and more while trying to make a name for myself in my profession in a new city, I can tell them I'm depressed that I don't have a career anymore.  I can call them crying when I'm locked in the bathroom because listening to one more tantrum over what color bowl he got for his snack is going to put me over the edge and make me do something I regret.  And you know what they say to me?  They say, "Yep...parenthood can suck some days."  They never tell me that the years fly by so fast and one day I'll look back on this and miss it.  They never tell me that I'm so lucky that I was able to have kids and I should be grateful.  They never tell me that these are little children who are only three and can't control themselves.  And they never tell me that other people have survived what I am going through and survived with less support and resources so I shouldn't be complaining.  They understand that my life is breaking me at that moment and being grateful is not an option.

When life is calm I do think of all that I have.  I was able to go through the surrogacy process with support from my family and friends.  I had a great surrogate and an amazing lawyer who helped me through so much.  I was lucky enough to have two healthy, smart children.  At times I can be grateful.  But remember that children do a lot to a parent.  If any parent seems unhappy, remember that parents deal with lost income and careers, lack of sleep, constant stress, limited time, loss of social relationships, marital stress, and possibly more emotional issues like medical treatment for children, major financial issues or mental health crises while trying to juggle everything life throws at them.  Parenthood is rough and I'm a big believer in saying so.

In another 20 years when the boys are out of the house and have (hopefully) left the nest and are making it in the world on their own two feet I'm sure I'll say that I miss the old days when they were three years old.  Everyone seems to hit that point.  Memories are selective, right?  But for now I believe in being honest with my feelings.

And then, just when it seems like this journey is no fun, something joyful happens.  When I'm feeling like just can't give any more Aaron decided to draw some pictures.  He made family portraits of his grandparents, his uncle, his brother, and his daddies.  Pretty amazing to see there is some awareness of the world around him.

Making Friends

Last week Aaron came home and said something about Kendall and David, two of the other students in his class.

All of a sudden my heart skipped a beat!

I got very excited to hear about these other children at school.  There wasn't much to say.  Being three and a half doesn't lead to deep conversations about life goals or even plans for the weekend.  Usually conversations are about liking someone's shoes or someone sneezing.  That's a pretty exciting day for someone who is just over 3 feet tall.  But it was exciting for me to see that there was an awareness of the other children at school even after school was done and we were home.

The next day during pick-up I watched the children start to say goodbye to each other.  Some of the kids yelled "Goodbye Aaron and Jeff!!!" as my boys waved goodbye or responded with, "Goodbye!  See you next year."

We are still working on time.

Today Aaron stayed home from school and I dropped Jeff off by himself.  I think both Jeff and I were a little freaked out.  He seemed sad and maybe a little scared.  The idea of a cupcake for one of the assistant teacher's birthday's perked him up, but I still worried how he would do without his social butterfly brother by his side.

As I left the classroom I saw the lead teacher in the hall waiting to pick up some other kids from the school bus.  I let her know I thought Jeff might be a little overwhelmed today being at school without his brother and she told me that she loves watching the two of them because there is an interesting dynamic.  She said they often do their own thing and choose different activities in the classroom.  Sometimes they wind up together but that's because they want to do that activity, not because they have to be with each other.  On the playground, however, is when they are together all the time.  They play together.  The teacher said that was opposite of most kids who know each other because the playground is less verbal and kids who are shy can play with a stranger without talking.  Regardless of the reason, I loved to hear that the boys have time together and time apart in school.

Because one of my boys demands so much attention all the time *cough cough Aaron cough cough* I'm excited to hear how Jeff does today in school on his own.  I hope the teacher has some time to give me an update.

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I heard what happened at school today.  Jeff was happy when I picked him up.  I asked the teacher how it went and this is what she said...

"Jeff was fine today.  No tears.  The only time he was a little bit sad was during circle time.  I said there were only 11 students here and I asked who was missing.  Jeff teared up a little and said, 'My brother is home sick.'  He then got Aaron's name tag and put it in his circle time spot so he could pretend Aaron was there."

OK...so either the teacher makes up amazing stories or Derek and I are raising boys who, although they fight constantly, really care for each other.  I'm going to go with the latter and start dusting off a shelf for our "Parents of the Year" trophy.

School!

Today was the day.  I was ready for it.  I was excited.  I wasn't going to cry.  My kids were starting their first day of public school with an awesome team of teachers.

Derek and I drove the boys to school.  Derek had to hurry off to a meeting so I walked the boys in by myself. The boys were excited to show me where their class was.  They remembered the hallway from yesterday but missed the room.  Pretty impressive for a 3 1/2 year old in my opinion.

When we got in, the teacher showed them their pictures on their cubby holes attached with velcro.  Each one had to take his picture off and put it on a cut out of a school bus with his name.  The school buses were located on the other side of the room.  The boys’ eyes lit up when they saw this task.  They found their names on the paper school buses and looked excited to check in at school.

That’s when I lost it.  I really think they were tears of joy, not sorrow.  I am excited to watch them grow and learn and gain independence.  I am excited for what school will teach them.  I am excited to see how they develop.

Next, they checked in with Stephanie who would let them pick one of several activities for the morning.  As I was leaving I saw Aaron picked the water table.  He had seen it yesterday without water in it and was looking forward to playing with it.  It was a small table filled with toys and water and bubbles.  Stephanie had helped him put on a smock and as I left I saw him walking towards the table.  I waved goodbye and there were no tears from him or Jeff, just a big smile as Aaron tackled this new adventure.

While the boys were in school I cleaned the house a little, watched some TV, called a doctor, got a haircut to prepare for the wedding and took my first Uber ride.

When I picked them up from school I was tackled with big hugs.  I found out Jeff had picked the kitchen first.  He told me he cooked eggs and pizza and played with the water table later in the day.   They played outside, read "The Kissing Hand" and made some art projects which will be ready tomorrow.  I can't wait to see what they made.  The teacher said there were no tears from any of the kids. 

I think we all had a very good first day.

Their First Teacher

It's about to start.  The day has finally arrived.  Today we did an "open house" at the boys' school for 45 minutes to meet their first teacher.  It was exciting.  I know a lot of parents get sad when their children go off to school.  Am I sad?  Maybe a little bit.  I sometimes think of the activities I won't get to do with them.  A lot of events are in the morning and the boys will be in school from 8am-12pm which leaves little time to do things during the week.  But I also think about all the opportunities they will get at school that I can't give them.  Plus, if I'm being honest, I'm excited to have some time to exercise, cook new dinners that take more than 20 minutes, read a book, maybe binge on some Netflix and work.  Work will be hard because of my limited time off between drop off and pick up but I'm sure I'll find a little bit of work here and there.

The class structure is pretty cool, in my opinion.  This is a program with three teachers (Kristin, Stephanie and Kayla) and 11 kids, half of whom have an IEP.  I love the idea of exposing my kids to kids with all sorts of different needs and learning styles.  I think a program like this is fantastic.

The day started with us walking in and Kayla saying hello.  Kayla met Jeff and asked him about the stuffed animals he had brought.  He told her that he had a snowman, a monkey and a panda.  Then Kayla asked him what his name was.  He wouldn't answer.  After a few seconds he signed, "I'm deaf."

"Hmmmm...," I thought.  "He's already playing the deaf card.  That was fast.  And that's usually Aaron's trick when he doesn't want to listen."

Kayla told us that she knew how to spell her name but not much else.  Still, it was cool that she knew about sign language.

Derek and I stayed with the boys and talked with the teachers for about 45 minutes.  We learned about the details of how the class runs, that they go outside every day, they have gym twice a week, etc.  As we were getting close to leaving a little boy from the class gave Kristin, the lead teacher,  a picture he had colored with a red marker.

"I like the red," she said as she signed the word "red."

"Oh, you sign a little in this class?" I asked.  I had secretly hoped that there would be a deaf student and interpreter in Jeff and Aaron's class.  The kids in this program can have an IEP for anything.  It could be a stutter or a physical disability or a behavior issue so a deaf student was certainly possible.

I come to find out that the head teacher was a deaf education major for a while before she switched to special education.  She said she used to go to deaf social hours and deaf events.  I think she is pretty fluent.  She uses a lot of signs in the class room which makes sense because of the various and unique learning styles of so many of the kids. 

HALLELUJAH!

I told her the story of  how Aaron's recent babysitter told him to do something.  He didn't want to listen so he signed he was deaf.  The sitter, who is going to an interpreting program, signed back to him and his response was, "You're pretty tricky, Kara!"  So my boys can't get away with pretending to not hear the teacher.  I couldn't have asked for a better placement.  

Today after the open house we had a big day of fun.  We played at an indoor play center and went out for lunch and ice cream.  The boys crashed in the car and it was hard to get two sleeping, 35+ pound boys from the car to their beds by myself.  They're sleeping from the long day and we'll see how things go tomorrow.  

Time

Let's put together a Top Ten List of living with toddlers...

10. They get food everywhere.  There is never a meal that doesn't make it onto the floor in some way shape or form.

9. Now that they're potty trained we spend half of our outings looking for bathrooms before they have an accident.

8. They always want the same toy even though we have 43,812 other toys within six feet.

7. We now have to watch "Animal Mechanicals" when I give them the choice of a cartoon.

6. They have learned what a dessert is and they want it...a lot. 

5. They have waaaaay too much energy for me at 6:00 a.m. and 6 p.m.  (and most hours in between)

4. I'm not allowed to sing.  Every time I open my mouth I hear "Excuse me.  Can you stop that?"

3. I still can't go to the bathroom alone most of the time.

2. They're pretty good eaters but I still can't go to any restaurant that doesn't have chicken nuggets, pizza, or mac 'n cheese.  

1. They have no concept of time.

It's the last one that is really getting to me.  I cannot wait until time has some meaning for them.  When I have to leave for work or bring them to a doctor's appointment or get them out the door for story time at the library they don't care that we have to leave NOW.  They can't leave until they have looked at the toilet paper roll (which they have seen before), the toy train (which they just played with for the last hour) and the speck of dirt on the floor (which is just a freakin' speck of dirt!!!).  By the time we get out the door I've lost half my sanity.  

I'm learning that I'm not a very patient person.  I am a professional who arrives to work early and plans out his day depending on how long it will take to accomplish each task. 

These two types of people do not get along.

Today the conversation was this...

Aaron: How long until we get to the play place?

Me: Not long.  About 6 minutes.

Aaron: That's not very long at all.

Me: No, it's not.  

Jeff: How long?

Me: About 5 more minutes.

Jeff: How long?

Me: About 5 minutes.

Jeff: But how long? (as if inflecting the word will make actually cause time to change)

Me: About an hour.

Jeff: But how long?

Me: Did you not hear what I said to you and your brother?  About five minutes.

Aaron: That's not very long.  That's just (counts on his hand) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Me: That's right.
(pause)

Aaron: Daddy?

Me: What is it, sweetie?

Aaron: I'm waiting a long time.

Sometimes it's just hard to know that my entire morning will be spent going to the supermarket which is three blocks away.  It really is a trip that can take a couple hours.

I miss my pre-baby sense of time.  It really was pretty nice.