Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Warning: Dirty Content

Date: Monday, September 10th, 2012
Time: Approximately 9:45 a.m.
Location: Chicago (my home)
Participants: Michael and Aaron
Gross out factor from 1-10: 11
Comedy rating from 1-10: 10

It was Monday morning and the kids were their usual mix of crabbiness and sweetness, but I was OK with that.  I was determined to have a good day.  I had had an enjoyable weekend and got to spend some time with Derek.  We had yummy, freshly baked chocolate chip cookies in the house that I ate for breakfast because the morning had a little more crabbiness than sweetness.  I planned on opening a new toy that day and playing with bubbles which was exciting.  The apartment was full of positive energy -- and chocolate.

Mid-morning I decided to change Aaron's bulging, wet diaper.  I opened the tape on his diaper and slid it out from under his bottom.  I saw that there was just a little, itty-bitty bit of poo in the diaper.

"That's weird," I thought to myself.  "That's not really a bowel movement.  It's too small to consider it a real poop.  I wonder--"

And then it happened.

The rest of the poop came flying out while his diaper was half off.  Luckily the diaper was close enough to his butt that half the poop landed in the diaper.  The other half, however, landed on the changing table cover. 

"Ewwww," I thought.  "Get a baby wipe and get it quickly!"

I reached for a baby wipe and started trying to contain the mess.  I was trying to clean his butt and the changing table cover and hold his feet so they didn't land in the yuckiness and make it worse.


Next thing I know there is pee shooting up and landing on Aaron's head.  Body functions were going wild and my brain started to panic.

"Cover the pee pee," my brain said as instinct kicked in.  "But wait.  Cover it with what?  The baby wipe has poop all over it.  Don't touch the pee pee with the poo poo.  Think, Michael, think!...I've got it.  Get another baby wipe...and stay calm."

As I reached over to get a baby wipe another stream of pee cascaded up in a perfect arc and landed on little Aaron's hair and face.  My little man didn't cry, he just looked shocked trying to figure out what was causing this rain on his face while he was still indoors.

I got a baby wipe and started wiping his face to make sure none got in his eyes or mouth.  But I neglected to cover the butt again.  Sure enough another round of poop came flying out of the back door.

This is when my life started to feel like those cartoon characters who is trying to plug up a dam and every time they plug one whole another hole appears.

I covered the front end with a clean wipe as I tried to clean all the poop.  After winning the battle from behind I decided to attack from the front again.  As soon as that wipe was taken off the third and final attack on Aaron's hair came.  By now my poor baby had poop on his clothes and pee in his hair and was naked from the waist down while in shock. 

That was it.  There was no saving this child with wipes.  I had to bring out the big guns.  I got his onesie off, ran to the bathroom with him and jumped in the shower to rinse him off.  Only after getting in the shower did I realize that I forgot baby soap and a towel for him.  Clearly I would not do well under enemy fire if I ever find myself in a real battle.

After a few minutes in the shower Aaron was as clean again.  We got out of the shower and I wrapped him up in my bathrobe and dressed him as quickly as possible.  Needless to say I needed another chocolate chip cookie for all my hard work.


  1. I was having an extra crabby evening and needed that laugh. Thank you. :-)

    My son peed in his own face on more than one occasion.

  2. Thank you for this!! I will be showing this post to John later this morning! Sorry for how your morning went, but thanks for the laugh and smiles! xoxo!

  3. You thought you were a real parent before but truly this was the real initiation. Welcome to the club and good job dad!

  4. OMG. The tears are streaming down my face. What a great laugh...TOTALLY at your expense! :) I can picture it perfectly and it's just too darn funny! LOL

  5. I don't know when I've laughed harder! Too funny, Michael! And good job while "under fire!"

  6. Hahaha! Parenthood can be such a treat. Good thing for a sense of humor, right?

  7. I should not have read this in the "quiet" room at the Library. I think I need to move... toooo many people looking, wondering why I am laughing so hard!