We're Officially A Crime Family

As children grow older parents start to notice things about them that came through nature or nurture.  Sometimes you see that a son has mom's ears or your daughter has grandpa's nose.  Sometimes your child loves baseball because dad is a baseball fan or your son wants to play the piano because his older sister takes piano lessons.  Sometimes a child learns to steal because his older brother is a thief.  Sometimes Aunt Suzy instills in yo --

Wait a minute.  What did you just say?

Yep, you read that right.  Apparently my beloved second child has turned to a life of crime too.  Do you all remember my child the thief from a few months ago?  Aaron stole a candy bar from a store a few months back.  He has been a reformed criminal every since and led a mostly good life with the exception of some minor infractions like stealing his brother's toys, smacking a cat in the face and holding out a Cheerio like he is going to feed it to me and then popping it in his own  mouth. 

The theft incident, however, seems to have had a lasting effect on Jeff.  Apparently he, too, has turned to a life of crime.  A week ago Sunday we went to a street fair.  There was a children's play area that had a bunch of toys on a mat.  Derek and I took the kids out of their strollers so they could stretch their legs and play for a few minutes.  Aaron took off like a bat out of hell.  He didn't even look to see if I was following him.  He darted out of the play area (which wasn't enclosed) and zipped through the legs of hundreds of people at the festival.  I let him run for a while and then brought him back to the play area.  Again he took off not caring whether or not Daddy was following him.  He did this four or five times which I have now concluded was just a distraction to take my attention off of Jeff.

After chasing Aaron around the fair for a good 15 minutes I was ready to go.  I got Aaron ready to leave and Derek put Jeff in his stroller.  About two minutes after we left I noticed something white in Jeff's hands.  I looked closer and it was a car.  Yes, I can now say my child is a car thief.  We went from stealing candy to Grand Theft Auto!  (OK...to be more specific it was a toy car.) 

Was this deviant life style from my genes?  I don't think so.  I have heard a great aunt of mine married someone who had ties to the mob but that's not in my genes.  My mob ties are only through marriage.

Did the life of crime come from how we nurture the children?  I don't think so.  Derek and I are law abiding citizens.  We wear our seatbelts, pay our taxes and don't even take too many pennies from a "leave a penny/take a penny" tray.

Did this criminal inclination come from the egg donor?  I don't think so.  She was a successful, advanced degree teacher who seemed like a perfectly lovely lady.

So where does that leave us?

I have to believe that the naughty behavior is coming from a group who tends to be lazy all day, rowdy at night, steal food whenever possible, has been known to break things, stalk anything that moves and gets into fights over territory: clearly I blame the cats. 

Dear Michael of 2023

Derek and I just watched an interesting documentary about how our mind perceives time and motion.  It talked a little bit about how/why time flies when you're having fun and why a watched pot never boils. 

I've been told by many parents how fast the first year goes and how much faster each year seems to fly.  People (usually people with older kids) talk about how envious they are of my little munchkins, how cute they are and how they long for the days when their kids were little.  Friends and strangers tell me how lucky I am to have babies in the house. 

I'm sure I'll find myself saying the same things to new parents before I know it.  However...
In about 10 years, when I long for the newborn/infant/toddler times, I want to remember this --

Dear Michael of 2023,

Hey, it's Michael of 2013.  Remember me?  Probably not since most of 2012 and part of 2013 was a blur.  Let me refresh your memory a little bit of what life was like.

I have to start in about December of 2012 because I don't really have much of a memory of April through November.  You didn't get much sleep for those 8 months.  Actually, you didn't get much sleep for over a year.  You know how you get to sleep at least 6 or 7 hours in a row these days?  Well, back in 2012 you only got to sleep about 2-3 hours at a time...and that's if the boys were on the same schedule.  If they got off then welcome to being awake for 20 hours at a time.  I do remember that day.  Twenty hours of being awake.  Say it with me: twenty loooong hours of being awake.  

Remember that time you got into the shower, put conditioner in your hair and then forgot to wash it out?  No?  You don't remember that?  Probably because you were practically sleep walking that day.  Well, it happened and it was embarassing.  Embarassing like forgetting to zip  your zipper, calling people and forgetting why you called them and wearing mismatched socks.  You did all of those too.

Have you wiped a poopy butt recently?  I did.  Usually 2-6 times a day.  Sometimes it's wasn't so bad.  Sometimes it was, well, let's just say pretty disgusting.  I won't go into details, but poop can take on all different forms and I saw them all.

I'm guessing you also haven't run out to the store in the middle of the night when it's zero degrees out to buy pacifiers/bibs/formula/anything to stop a baby from screaming.  Yeah, I did that a lot.  I never knew what toy or pacifier the babies would like so I'd buy them all and just pray one would help them calm down and be happy.

Talking about being happy do you remember when the kids learned to laugh?  Yeah, that was pretty amazing.  But do you also remember that the kids knew how to scream?  Yeah, that was pretty amazing in a totally different way.  Who knew humans could scream that loudly for that long?  I sure didn't.  And what was it they cried about?  Oh yeah...NOTHING!!!!  Well, I'm sure it was something.  Maybe the cat stirred in her sleep or they noticed their favorite book was on the bottom shelf and not the middle shelf or possibly they got the bottle with the yellow cap and wanted the green one.  Silly daddy, you should have known to predict every movement of every organism in the universe to make sure they aligned just right for Aaron and Jeff. 

Oh, and are you carrying a 50 pound weight all day?  I often did.  The boys don't understand why you can't carry two 25 pound babies while cleaning a home, cooking dinner, washing bottles and doing loads of laundry.  If you put them down on the floor they would scream.  At least that screaming had a clear reason.

Don't think I had it all bad.  I know that I was lucky being the Michael of 2013.  I got Jeff plopping himself in my lap with a book all the time and Aaron playing chase up and down the hallway with me.  I got to watch language emerge and laugh when the kids got food in their hair as they discovered the joy of forks and spoons.  There were a lot of good times.  But I'm a little envious of you, Michael of 2023.  You get to decorate a cake with gobs of frosting and candy with your 10 year old kids for Derek's birthday.  You get to feel tears well up in your eyes as you watch your children perform in a school play.  You get to celebrate with ice cream when your kids compete in a science fair.  You get to feel pride when you watch your kids include the "outcast" child on the playground.  You get to see the wonder in their faces when you take your children to Disney!

Time marches on and there isn't anything you can do about it.  So don't waste time missing the years that have passed.  Enjoy what your kids are doing now and get excited about what the future holds.  When you're missing Aaron's dramatic look of surprise when Elmo pops out of a box or Jeff's head nuzzling your neck enjoy the pictures, videos and memories of that time.  Then go find a screaming, poopie baby and tell his parents that one day they, too, will know the joy of sleeping through the night. 

With love,
Michael of 2013

T-shirts and Evil Spirits

These shirts are cute but they have a little bit of significance to me.  Here is the story...

Being Jewish I grew up knowing that you don't get a baby anything until the baby arrives at your home.  It's bad luck to prepare for a baby before he/she arrives.  I had received a few small gifts during the pregnancy that I quickly gave to friends to stash in their houses fearing that the evil spirits would come if I had a teddy bear or a rattle in my house.  (Isn't religion silly sometimes?)  I understand, though, that in the 21st century we have to do a little preparation before a baby or two arrived.  Derek and I agreed on a starting date that we could bring things into the house.  I think it was February 1st.

In December of 2011 Derek and I took a trip to Cozumel.  It was our last trip before the babies were born - our babymoon as people like to call it.  Our surrogate was about five months pregnant at the time so things were looking good.  Still, my head was filled with all kinds of "what ifs..."

As we walked around Mexico the idea of buying something for our twins was in my head, but I resisted.  I resisted for almost the entire trip, but when I saw these shirts I just loved them.  I remember standing in the store trying to rationalize how it was Derek (who isn't Jewish) buying them, not me.  I planned to ask someone else to keep the shirts until the kids were born.  Or maybe I'd fool the evil spirits by saying that the shirts were for someone else...but would the spirits know I was secretly going to keep the shirts for my kids?  (Again, isn't religious so irrational at times?)

I actually forget what convinced me to buy these shirts.  Obviously the evil spirits never came.  I lucked out and got two healthy sons who, I think, look adorable in these shirts.  Once they grow out of them I guess Derek and I will have to take another trip to a fun location to buy more shirts.  This time I'll feel safe to buy them.

Big News

As the day, weeks and months roll by I think about the posts that I missed.  I meant to write a post about our first plane ride and how precious it was that Jeff fell asleep holding my hand.  I've been meaning to write more about how excited the boys have been going to the park and exploring the outside world now that it's getting warmer out.  I wanted to write a post about how Jeff has learned to use a blanket or a coat to cover his head and then he pops out so someone yells "peek-a-boo."  I had hoped to write an entry about how Aaron loves to chase the cats around and now seems to sign "dog" for any animal he sees.  I wanted to do these, but I didn't.  I don't have time for any of these.  Now that the boys are older I am more exhausted.  They nap less.  They take more of my energy.  By the end of the day I don't have time to blog.  (And for all of you other bloggers out there with toddlers don't think I haven't notice you all blogging less too!) 

However, I did want to share the big news.

After several delays for no apparent reason except for the fact that it's an overworked and understaffed government, the state of Illinois has finally approved the adoption.  Derek is now officially and legally a dad. 

Has anything really changed?  No.  Derek has been a dad since the moment the boys were born.  Still, it's good to know that it's legally recognized now because he deserves the recognition and the title of Dad!

You Don't Know What You're Getting Yourself Into

When my surrogate was pregnant and I told people Derek and I were expecting I heard two different answers..

Parenthood is the most wonderful, amazing, and beautiful experience in the world. 

Or...

You don't know what you're getting yourself into.

I didn't like either one of these answers.  The first seemed to mean that I was supposed to love every second of fatherhood and life would be filled with rainbows and unicorns.  The second answer meant that I was going to destroy my life and everyone's around me and that I couldn't handle what was in store for me.

A year into parenthood I'm here to say what I have heard very few people say - both statements are correct.

I'm going to start by addressing the second statement.  I have had some conversations with people where we have said the unthinkable - What have I done???  Why did I do this???  Can't I return my kids for one with an off switch???  I feel like parents are taught that it's shameful to think this.  Several friends I have and almost all the bloggers I follow have gone through tough, expensive and sometimes extreme measures to have a child -  adoption, surrogacy, fertility treatments, miscarriages, flying back and forth to India, and more - and have sworn that they will never take one minute of parenthood for granted.  I swore the same thing.

However, last week this lofty promise was broken.  My kids were back to (usually) waking up once a night (sometimes twice) and then they would always wake up between 4:30 and 5:00 a.m. for a bottle which didn't make me a happy daddy.  Aaron has started throwing tantrums.  Jeff steals every toy Aaron has.  Neither one of them likes milk from sippy cups.  They won't give up their pacifiers for naps.

I lost my one and only copy of my car key and with a 15 year old car it's not easy to replace the key.  Tax season was upon us and taxes are always stressful.  This week my car wouldn't start thanks to a dead battery and of course it was a day I needed my car to get to the suburbs. 

Add to this the fact that at work my department went from five interpreters to three about two months ago and the three of us left have been overwhelmed.  Plus last week the universe decided to give me tough interpreting situations filled with unfit mothers, violent sexual offenders and terminally ill patients.

Top that off with the fact that I have friends I haven't seen or talked to in a long time and almost no social life. 

With all of that going on I felt like I had given up my career, my friends and my life and was doomed to an eternity of 5:00 a.m. feedings, an overwhelming work schedule for the little bit I worked and wanting to pass out on the couch before 9:00 p.m. after listening to 12 hours of crying in stereo.

Yes, parenthood is messy.  It's exhausting.  It's filled with screams, poop, sleepless nights, drool, spit up, pee, worry, wasted food, endless laundry, endless dishes, fights to put on a diaper, fights to take off a diaper, fights to get kids to eat, fights to get kids not to eat, and the list goes on and on and on and on.  And do I like it?  No, not always.  It's not what I dreamed fatherhood would be.  It's nearly impossible to describe how children affect your career, your social life, your physical well being, your state of mind, your finances, your relationships, etc.  It's hard.  People who have forgotten what it's like to live with an infant or toddler (or two!) may say they can't believe I would say such a thing.  But I bet most of you new parents out there are secretly agreeing with what I'm saying.  Parenthood isn't always fun.

BUT...

(Here's comes the part that people expect parents to say.)

When you say the word "spin" Aaron spins around once or twice with a smile on his face and Jeff spins until he is dizzy, giggles, and falls down.  Aaron knows the sign for shoes and can bring me his shoes if I ask for them.  Jeff recently showed me he learned the sign for about five different animals.  I see the beginning of language emerging.  As someone who works with language, sees the power of language, loves languages, and keeps considering getting my masters in linguistics to study language acquisition I am amazed by what is happening now.  Words can't describe how thrilled I am to watch communication develop.  I was happy to see my boys roll over, sit up, crawl, and walk.  Don't get me wrong; those were amazing milestones.  But language allows me to know my children, know their thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams.  Language is such a powerful tool and as it begins to develop in my children I do believe that, like people told me, parenthood is the most wonderful, amazing and beautiful experience in the world.

Sleep Part 14: Conflicting Advice

Do we all see that I'm writing this post at 2-something-a.m.?  Yep, that means I'm up with a child again.  Don't worry...it's not that bad.  Things are pretty good in the sleep department.  Just note that pretty good doesn't mean perfect.  You'll see more in a post coming soon.  Since I'm up in the middle of the night I thought it would be appropriate to post a great piece of advice that my friend, B, sent to Derek and me.  It's one mother's summary of what she learned about sleep training.  Here is Ava Neyer's take on what she learned from the (cough cough) experts.

"You shouldn’t sleep train at all, before a year, before 6 months, or before 4 months, but if you wait too late, your baby will never be able to sleep without you. College-aged children never need to be nursed, rocked, helped to sleep, so don’t worry about any bad habits. Nursing, rocking, singing, swaddling, etc to sleep are all bad habits and should be stopped immediately.

Naps should only be taken in the bed, never in a swing, car seat, stroller, or when worn. Letting them sleep in the car seat or swing will damage their skulls. If your baby has trouble falling asleep in the bed, put them in a swing, car seat, stroller, or wear them. Use the crib only for sleep and keep it free of distractions. If the baby is having trouble adjusting to the crib, have them play in it first. If the baby wakes up at night and wants to play, put fun toys in the crib to distract them.

Put the baby in a nursery, bed in your room, in your bed. Co-sleeping is the best way to get sleep, except that it can kill your baby, so never, ever do it. If your baby doesn't die, you will need to bed-share until college.

Keep the room warm, but not too warm. Swaddle the baby tightly, but not too tightly. Put them on their backs to sleep, but don't let them be on their backs too long or they will be developmentally delayed. Give them a pacifier to reduce SIDS. Be careful about pacifiers because they can cause nursing problems and stop your baby from sleeping soundly. If your baby sleeps too soundly, they’ll die of SIDS.

Don’t let your baby sleep too long, except when they’ve been napping too much, then you should wake them. Never wake a sleeping baby. Any baby problem can be solved by putting them to bed earlier, even if they are waking up too early. If your baby wakes up too early, put them to bed later or cut out a nap. Don’t let them nap after 5 p.m. Sleep begets sleep, so try to get your child to sleep as much as possible. Put the baby to bed awake but drowsy. Don't wake the baby if it fell asleep while nursing.

You should start a routine and keep track of everything. Don’t watch the clock. Put them on a schedule. Scheduling will make your life impossible because they will constantly be thrown off of it and you will become a prisoner in your home.

Using the "Cry It Out" method (CIO) will make them think they’ve been abandoned and will be eaten by a lion shortly. It also causes brain damage. Not getting enough sleep will cause behavior and mental problems, so be sure to put them to sleep by any means necessary, especially CIO, which is the most effective form. CIO is cruel beyond belief and the only thing that truly works because parents are a distraction.

Formula and solid foods will help the baby sleep longer. Solid foods shouldn’t be given at night because they might wake the baby. Don't stop the baby from nursing when asleep. Be wary of night feeds. If you respond too quickly with food or comfort, your baby is manipulating you. Babies can’t manipulate. Babies older than six months can manipulate.

Sleep when the baby sleeps. Clean when the baby cleans. Don’t worry. Stress causes your baby stress and a stressed baby won't sleep."

Anyone else feel like they have heard or read every one of these pieces from advice from an expert?  If we all tried to follow these conflicting pieces of advice it's no wonder our babies are confused, stressed and crying a lot...oh wait, I mean it's no wonder the parents are confused, stressed and crying a lot.  That's why Derek and I have learned to do what we think is best for our children.  I think we're doing OK and our kids are too.

Year One

I thought about trying to write a very profound entry and then realized that I don't think my life with my kids has been very different than the first year of any parent.  And, as the supreme court deals with two gay marriage cases this week, isn't that exactly what we want?  We want to show that my family is the same as every other family in this world whether they be "traditional" heterosexual families, gay families, interracial families, mixed religion families, single parent families, grandparents-raising-grandchildren families, parents with disabilities families, etc.  Sure, my journey to get them was probably more complex than a lot of other people's journeys (and easier than some), but every parent experiences sleepless nights, doubting their skills, the thrill of firsts, overwhelming love, etc. 

So instead of focusing on how my journey was unique and crazy, let's focus on my unique family as it is now.  And I'm going to borrow something from the 2 Baby Daddies blog.  While they were expecting I got to read the most amazing Dear Zoey letters.  I hope my letter to my kids will be just as wonderful.

Dear Aaron and Jeff,

A year ago you came into my life.  You were my dream since I was a little child.  I always wanted to be a dad.  It took years of planning to bring you into my life and I'd go through it again in a heartbeat knowing how amazing the payoff could be.

In this first year I learned a lot about my parents.  I understand what it's like to love unconditionally.  I understand why parents would give up their own lives for the lives of their children.  I understand what my parents gave up in their lives to give me things in mine.  So thank you for giving me that understanding.

During the sleepless nights and sleepy days I have cried out of frustration, counted the seconds until the sitter or your other dad arrived and I could leave the house for a few minutes, and wanted to just give up at times.  I have also found moments of joy with you banging on pots, playing peek-a-boo and finding a Cheerio on the floor.

I love watching you learn.  It is thrilling to watch you become more independent as you have figured out how to hold your own bottle, crawl, feed yourself, walk, "communicate" with us, and love us.  I cannot wait to watch you experience new firsts over the next few years.  

My hope for you is to be happy and empathic.  In my life I have learned that people want to be heard.  I hope to teach you to listen and understand the perspective of others who are different from you.  I also promise to do my best to give you happiness in this world.  That doesn't mean ice cream for dinner every night, but a life filled with love and support.  

The next 17 years (and beyond) will have their ups and downs, but don't doubt that Daddy Derek and I love you with all our hearts.  

Love,
Daddy Michael  

And then, of course, we have the year one pictures.  The big friends and family party is this weekend, but we couldn't resist giving the boys their own cupcakes tonight.

My cupcake creation documenting their first year

Jeff enjoyed his cupcake

Aaron did too