- Practice wrestling a large, slippery fish three times a week.
- Wake up every two hours at night, punch yourself in the face, walk around for 28 minutes pleading in jibberish. Go back to "sleep." Repeat.
- Socialize with friends in 18-second increments.
- Practice asking for the check, boxing up your food and exiting a restaurant in under sixty seconds — two bites into the meal.
- Watch 38% of any film or television show; never see the ending or resolution.
- Read the same three paragraphs of a novel once every two weeks; fall asleep.
- Shower every three to five days, but only for two minutes.
- Hire a makeup artist to make you up to look 10 years older. Look at yourself in the mirror, then laugh, cry, laugh, cry, laugh, cry. Do not go get a drink.
- Pack two additional bags of random stuff to carry with you every time you leave the house.
- Stand around a tennis court and catch fly balls with one hand for two hours a day while also preparing a peanut butter sandwich.
- Practice wrestling aforementioned large, slippery fish, then dress it in seasonally appropriate outfit, including hat and/or jacket. Then go back, remove all clothing, and apply sunscreen. Re-dress fish.
- Memorize The Cat in the Hat, then repeat every evening between 7 p.m. and 8 p.m.
- Make 24 hours of baby-crying audio; hit play the moment you take a phone call, fire up your computer, or begin speaking any sentences to another human that contain important or useful information.
- Imagine a mental written list of your responsibilities for each day, tear it in half, burn one piece, take a (literal) shit on the other one. (Sorry.)
Wait...what? Back up.
The stuffed animal hugging?
No no...the other one.
Oh...the ROLLING OVER?!?!? Is that what you want to discuss?
Yep, you read that right. Jeff has started rolling over. On Monday Derek put little baby Jeff on the play mat before he left for work. I was laying on the couch and decided to close my eyes for a minute. Jeff was using his voice a little and then suddenly his voice sounded different. Quieter. When I opened my eyes it was because he was now suddenly face down. Derek suspected a cat was involved.
Two days later Derek was home with Jeff while on Skype with his mom. This time they saw Jeff roll over. No cat helping according to Derek.
I was skeptical.
This morning I saw it. It was so amazing. Jeff got about 93% over. He couldn't quite get his hand out from under his chest after rolling but it was so cool to see that. My little boys are growing up!
Now, if only Aaron can learn to do the dishes.