Independence

Many years ago when my kids were little (or maybe before they were even born?) I read an article that has stuck with me.  It talked about the sadness parents feel as their kids grow up.  Parents lament the losses: the smell of a new baby's head, walking down the street and your kid grabbing your hand, pushing your kid on a swing, etc.  As kids grow up, their worlds get larger and their connections to parents become weaker.  

For Hannukah my parents gave my kids Baketivity.  It's a monthly baking kit for kids that arrives in the mail.  Most of the dry ingredients are in the box as well as instructions and a little fun activity page.  So far we have baked chocolate and vanilla cupcakes to create a panda, snowball cookies and red velvet cupcakes.  My kids have told me in no uncertain terms that I am to stay away from the kitchen when they do these projects and let them bake alone.

The fear a parent has allowing their kitchen to be taken over by an unsupervised 8 year old is significant.  You wonder if powdered sugar will be found in the vegetable drawer or if red food coloring will permanently stain the ceiling.  You worry your child will get cut or burned.  You fret about having to eat an overly salty cake or rock hard cookies and while still rubbing your tummy and saying "Sooooo delicious.  Yum!"

But the reality is that although my kitchen is a total mess after they bake, there is value to giving them that independence.  They have such pride in showing us their creations and serving us dessert after dinner.  Aaron has even made up recipes and shared his creations with our neighbors.  (We were guinea pigs first and tried them before subjecting our neighbors.)  Cooking has been a way for my kids to gain independence, confidence, and life skills.

The article I mentioned before said that as parents we don't hold a baby in our arms thinking "I hope you live in my basement and stay dependent on me until you are 40 years old."  Parents have dreams that their kids will become an astronaut, develop a cure for a disease, or improve the world in some way.  We have to remember that if we want that to happen, when our kids wriggle their lilttle hands out of our hands, we have to let go, not grip tighter even if that means they are running into the kitchen to smear butter on the cabinets and sprinkle sugar on the stove.

Just One Moment

I will forever be grateful to my friend Jody.  

During my senior year of college I took a six week American Sign Language class for fun.  I have always loved languages and I really enjoyed the class.  A few weeks after the class ended Jody invited me to see a production of "Blithe Spirit" she was stage managing that was performed in ASL.  Watching that show was mesmerizing.  I was hooked on learning more about the language and culture.  

Fast forward a couple years and Jody and I had both completed our first tour as actors.  I had joined a second tour and Jody had moved to New York City.  One day we were talking and she mentioned her work as a sign language interpreter.  "WHAT???  *mind blown*  That's a job?!?!?!  I had no idea I could use ASL for work.  That conversation put me on a path of a new career.  It's a career that has provided me with a whole new community, new friends, flexibility to work while pursuing other interests, and the ability to work all over the country.  

This morning Aaron and I were at the kitchen table together.  I was reading an article about the top inventions of 2020.  One invention was a robot that was designed to support a child's social skills.  We talked about why kids would need something like that.  We discussed what autism means, how that impacts someone's ability to socialize, and how an invention like this could help.  

After the conversation I wondered if Aaron would remember this moment years from now.  I think about those interviews with people who accomplish great things who say things like "I remember when I walked by a homeless man with a dog and that let me to start a non-profit to create a homeless shelter that accepts pets" or "I had a neighbor who was blind and that inspired me to become a teacher at a school for blind children."  

I don't imagine Aaron will work with robots.  Aaron is not into math, science and technology.  Today will probably not be one of those life changing moments for my kid.  However, I wonder if, 20 years from now, we will be able look back at a moment, an experience, a person, or something else in my kids' lives that put them on a specific trajectory.  

One more story: when I was four years old I went to go see "The Nutcracker."  Five minutes into the show I was hooked.  At that moment I knew I wanted to perform.  It's a feeling that has stayed with me for 40ish years.  I wonder if my mom had taken me to a science museum that day instead of a ballet, maybe I would have invented that robot in the magazine.  We'll never know for sure, but it's fun to consider the possibilities.

Peers

A thought has been running around my head today.  It's a thought that pops up in my head from time to time and today it has been swirling around again.  

I think the thought appeared because I had a (socially distanced and masked) conversation with some lovely neighbors who have kids the same age as mine.  We were talking about what this year has been doing to our kids on every level: academically, socially, mentally, emotionally, etc.  Our general consensus for our families is that we are not overly stressed about our kids on an academic level.  We are more concerned about what is happening in our kids' brains and hearts.

So the thought bouncing around my head is this: the kids who are my kids' peers are really the ones who determine if my kids will thrive or crumble.  

Stay with me for a minute as a I ramble...

Today we watched a show in which two boyfriends competed as a team.  After winning the competition one boyfriend proposed to the other.  My kids had no questions about it.  They didn't see this as anything unique or different or needing an explanation.  (Of course having gay dads is the main reason this is just normal for them.)  And I thought to myself that when kids accept gay couples as just a regular part of life it changes how they react to others.  When a friend comes out in high school (or junior high even) as LGBTQIA++ that kid could face two realities: he/she/they could be supported or ostracized.  That child could feel safe and comfortable and happy and accepted and all those other warm fuzzy feelings, or the child could become the laughing stock of the school and talking with that person could be social suicide.  The other kids in school have such power over that kid just based on their responses.  What makes that child different could become a positive or a negative based on how other kids react.

The same holds true for a kid with a stutter.

Or a kid in a wheelchair.

Or a kid who is homeless.

Or a kid with autism.

Or a kid who is bi-racial.

Or a kid who is overweight.

Or a kid who is any number of things that don't fit our majority version of our world.

As my kids grow up and boys and girls separate, jocks hang out together and look down on the awkard kids, cool girls decide who isn't cool, smart kids get labeled as "nerds" and sometimes try to hide their academic skills, and everyone finds their own groups the judgement becomes harsher.  This year I can't imagine almost any kid coming out of the pandemic unscathed in some way.  Kids will lose friends due to isolation, feel more anxious due to a parent's stress, struggle with academic subjects, and more.  Every kid could use a little kindness and acceptance as we make our way back to some sort of normalcy in a few months.  Can you just imagine a world in which kids supported each other instead of judged each other?  Can you picture a world in which every child felt safe around their peers to just be who they want to be?  My dream is for my kids to be in school, focus on learning, and not worry about what others want them to be.  

I guess, after writing this, my dream is nothing new or revolutionary.  It's just worrying about what my kids will face as they grow up.  Peer pressure is real.  All those "-isms" we read about are real.  

But what if they weren't?  What a beautiful world that would be.

COVID-19 and Parenthood

Here we are.  We are more than 8 months into the COVID-19 pandemic and we still have no end in sight.  Things were a little better in the summer but now everything is going to hell and we don't even get a handbasket.  I recently had the same conversation twice and it went like this.

OTHER PERSON: How are you holding up?

ME: I'm fine.

OTHER PERSON: Really?

ME: Yeah, I am a homebody.  I'm enjoying not having to wear dress shoes to work, not getting in my car to fight traffic every day, and I'm actually working more and earning more money than I have in the past because I'm not dependent on squeezing in work during the few hours the kids are in school.  I'm definiltey one of the fortunate ones.  But the hard part of all this is my kids.  I don't know if I made the right decision for them and I'm worried this pandemic is hurting them.  That crushes me.

In August conversations schools started.  I attended a bunch of Zoom meetings to hear how my kids' school was going to keep them safe.  I started to learn more about ventilation systems than I ever thought I would.  Emails and texts between parents were flying around asking what people heard and who knew what and who was pulling their kids out versus who was fighting to keep schools open.  Suddenly I became one of those parents who got involved in school issues.  I looked up the school committee's email and starting asking questions.  At one point I made a list of 27 questions.  Some were complex (like "what's the social-emotional value of being in a classroom if you can't play with your friends?") but most were simple (like "what does a mask break look like?" or "will kids be doing work on paper or will it all be on computers?").  The school board directed me to their website and the FAQ tab.  

I looked.

I emailed again and said the FAQs gave me one answer and I still had 26 unanswered questions.  The school board told me "We won't have all the answers to hybrid learning.  If you're uncomfortable with that you should maybe consider the remote option."

I spoke with a friend.  She said, "That's odd.  I asked a million questions about the remote option.  I was told 'We won't have all the answers to remote learning.  If you're uncomfortable with that you should maybe consider the hybrid option.'"

$#*!  @**#^&  !&#%

That was no help at all.

We wound up pulling the kids out of school and going remote.  All was fine for a while - well, as "fine" as things can be in 2020.  As we move into darker, colder and more lonely months I worry if I made the right decision.  I think I did, but who knows.  In the last two weeks this has happened in my circle of friends...

• A friend who works at a school got an email Monday night saying school was closed ASAP until January
• One family got COVID (mom, dad and two kids) and one was hospitalized for over a week
• Another family got COVID (mod, dad, and two kids one of whom is 2 years old)
• A friend had 5 extended family members test positive
• A friend's wife is battling serious after-effects of COVID about 7 months after she tested positive
• Another friend and his brother tested positive
• A friend's mother tested positive
• A relative of mine
• A friend's grandfather went into the hospital (not for COVID), contracted COVID and died
• Two of Derek's co-workers had scares with COVID in their family
• A friend's son's entire class is now quarantining and that son is considered a close contact

Our governor (who is Republican but has a heart and a brain and courage) recalculated the risk of each city.  Somehow, two weeks ago, we went from 121 cities in Massachusetts that were at the red level to 16 because of a new formula.  A week later the number doubled.  We went to 30 cities in the red and then the governor suggested towns not in the red should get all kids back in school 5 days a week and any red city should do hybrid instead of remote learning.  My jaw droopped.  I get that the numbers are showing that schools aren't major spreading centers, but is that perhaps because thousand of kids in our state (and maybe millions across the country?) are NOT in school.  Can we really say that adding more kids into the mix is a good idea now?  I am not a scientist but my guess is that even if kids aren't symptomatic, more kids will catch it and bring it home to parents.  The map was updated again a few days ago and we're now at 62 cities in the red.

I'm risk averse.  I know that about myself.  And I get that most people who get COVID will get sick, recover after a week or two and be fine.  But if I'm one of the few who isn't lucky, I can't imagine it.  I don't want to have brain fog so bad I can't remember if I ate dinner an hour ago or not.  I don't want my kids to develop a heart condition that could cause problems for years.  I don't want to go into the hospital because I can't breathe and worry my kids.  

With Thanksgiving coming up I am angry.  I am angry that people feel that they need to eat a freakin' piece of turkey and a slice of pie with someone more than they need to protect their neighbors.  

I just don't get it and I am fearful of the world we live in now.  I don't like the world my kids are entering and that isn't a good feeling.

Toys and the Trash

I have been debating whether or not to post this.  It feels like I am revealing a huge secret.  It's a secret all parents know about but no one admits to doing -- kinda like watching reality TV or drinking from the milk container when you're too lazy to get a glass.  My children, when they read this, will be horrified.  It could potentially lead to decades of therapy...until they have their own kids and understand why I did what I did.

Here is my confession...

I go into their rooms and the basement when they are out of the house or asleep and throw away their stuff.

Now before you lock me up, let me explain.  It's not like I throw out the toys they get for their birthday or holidays.  I don't get rid of expensive toys, favorite stuffed animals, things they have bought with their own money, etc.  But, if you're a parent, you know the toys I'm talking about.  We all have them in our homes.  It's those bits of plastic toys that fit in a pocket that kids get from trading in tokens at arcades.  It could be that Earth-littering piece of junk your kid gets when a parent breaks down and take them to get a kid's meal at a fast food restaurant that they play with for 30 seconds and then leave on the floor.  I'm talking about "special" rocks and "special" twigs and "special" flower petals and "special" feathers and "special buttons" that are picked up on walks outsise.  It's the coloring pages that are only 25% colored and have been sitting, crumpled, in a corner for the last two weeks.  Maybe it's the bracelet your kid made in art class last summer at camp.  Or maybe -- and we all know this one -- it's whatever came in those dreaded goodie bag from a birthday party.

When you ask a kid if they want to keep something they made/found/bought/were given the invariable answer is "Yes, I looooooove/neeeeeeeed it."  Kids are like little hoarders who are future subjects of the show with the same title.  In order to break the damaging habit my strategy is to take something away and hide it for a week or two.  If I don't hear a "Hey...where's my (fill in the blank)?" after two weeks I feel it wasn't important enough to keep.

Do I feel guilty? 

Yes. 

Do I also feel relieved to get stuff out of my house? 

Yes. 

Will my children understand if/when they have kids? 

Yes. 

Will I laugh and laugh and laugh when they complain to me about all the junk they have accumulating in their houses thanks to their kids? 

Maybe.  (But probably yes.)

School and COVID-19

When COVID-19 started I was fine.  I was one of the lucky people.  Derek and I had jobs we could do from home.  I had stocked up on toilet paper and kitty litter so all the humans and cats could use the bathroom.  I had bought a few extra boxes of spaghetti and jars of peanut butter so I knew even if we got sick of peanut butter sandwiches and spaghetti dinners we could eat.  I figured the 2-3 weeks of quarantine would be OK.

The first week we were off school the school district decided the teachers needed a week to plan.  I knew I wanted to keep my kids in the academic mode so I started figuring out what to teach them.  I scoured the internet and found worksheets.  There were so many worksheets available.  I printed out vocabulary, time, and math worksheets.  Then I found cursive worksheets.  Perfect!  I hear that school doesn't teach kids how to write in cursive.  This will be a great two week project.  I'll teach them cursive.  I'm winning at this parenting thing.  I found a website to practice spelling.  Then I found a math website running a contest with super-creative math problems.  Then I remembered GoNoodle.com for movement (P.E. -- check!).  I found a great YouTube station for learning rhythms  (music -- check!).  Facebook became rife with posts by parents advertising Mo Willem's daily lunchtime doodle vlog (art -- check!) and the Cincinnati Zoo live feed (science - check!).  I even found a video explaining the national census to kids (social studies -- check!)   I was winning at parenting AND homeschooling.  I was up until midnight every night looking for things to do and planning activities while still taking care of kids, working, prepping three meals and two snacks a day and fending off a killer virus.  Sure...this seemed doable for a few weeks.

The following week we got some resources for the kids from the school.  They would send us some websites to check out and apps that were good.  Yes, I will take that subscription to EPIC books.  That's awesome.  Oh, and the typing app is great, too.  Please send me the code.  But the other things you're recommending??? -- no thanks.  No, I won't set up an art project involving paint.  I really don't have time to clean up that mess between loads of laundry.  Ummmm...I'm not going to set up a mini golf course in my backyard, P.E. teacher.  It's 40 degrees outside, I don't have six cardboard tubes from paper towel rolls and I have to answer about 100 emails.  And while I appreciate the idea, I'm not going to create a number wheel out of tools MacGyver would use and practice my 10 frames because I have to go out to the store today in my mask made out of an old sock to buy some fruit so my kids don't get scurvy after living on boxed mac 'n cheese for the last week!

Then, if I remember correctly, (and who does because I was spending my time arguing with "friends" on Facebook that neither Bill Gates nor Dr. Fauci created the Coronavirus and despite the fact that one lady on YouTube with no medical training has 10,000 followers she did NOT come up with a cure for the virus) online school changed again.  We got a new app and now the work was required...or was it?  No one knows.  Both kids hated it.  One kid did it and hated it.  One kid couldn't figure out how to work the app and hated it.  I tried working the app.  I also couldn't figure out the &*#!-ing app and I hated it.  What the hell button do I push?  How do I record a *&$#@-ing response?  I don't know!!!!  Grrrrrrr.  I spoke with one teacher and told her my kid thought the work was boring.  (I had heard the material couldn't be new because not every kid could access the information and it's not fair to teach new material if not everyone can access it.)  I was told he should try but he doesn't have to do everything.  It's not mandatory.  I spoke with my other kid's teacher who said "Your child should be doing the work independently."  I wanted to lash out and yell, "Oh really?  Well, that's a nice thought but it ain't happening.  Have you seen an 8 year old work this app?  It's complicated!!!  I'm 44 and can't figure it out!!!!!!!"  But I was respectful.  I asked if the work was mandatory because he was doing fine when I created the curriculum and I was giving him spelling, music, math, science and more.  I was told "It is mandatory."

WTF?!?!?!  Why am I getting two different answers?

Then a miraculous thing happened.  Both kids figured out the app.  They were waking up early, running to their iPads and finishing their work quickly.  Somehow life got simpler which was good because now I had to prepare for murder hornets coming and I didn't have time to help my kids create a rectangular pyramid out of marshmallows and toothpicks.

Meanwhile Facebook memes keep telling me that I should appreciate teachers more now that I've had a taste of working as one.  Maybe I'm just lashing out but those "funny" memes really make me mad.  Yes, teachers should be appreciated...but don't think for one second that what parents are doing is anything like what teachers do.  We are working with our own kids (and we all know how kids respond to their parents and teachers is completely different), we are juggling jobs and home life in addition to school, and our kids are not in a typical learning environment.  Our children miss their friends, activities and daily routines.  You can tell me I'm being overly sensitive, but it's not really funny to see memes laughing at parents drowning in their attempts to be teachers. 

Next week it will change again.  Instead of three Zoom school calls a week for each kid they will have five each.  I need to be careful what I wish for.  I wished for actual teaching to happen and I got it -- but it means more arguing with my kids that they need to stop playing and go to school -- or, ummm, log into (?) school.  Each day the struggles to get my kids to complete their work seem to get a little longer.  Today school took over four hours for one of them and included yelling and crying over a scarf dance.  We might get snow in May, cicadas are coming back soon to take over Virginia, and just to play safe (since I recently watched Jumanji) I'm not going to play any more board games for a while.  I don't know what I would unleash if I played a game of Mousetrap with my kids.

It was not a good day.  I'm stressed.  I'm frustrated.  I'm upset.  Tomorrow might be better.  It might be worse.  No one knows what each day will bring.  This is the lot of a parent in 2020 right now.  Let's just say that out of my two human kids and two fur kids my favorite right now is probably the one who pooped on the floor.

I try to remind myself I'm one of the lucky ones.  I have a home with cabinets filled with food.  I have a car that works so I can go to the grocery store without riding on a bus.  I have enough money in the bank that I'm not on the verge of losing my house.  I have a yard for my kids to run in and burn off some energy. 

I'm healthy. 

I'm safe.

I'm tired.

Emotions

Jeff has a habit of piling blankets, pillows, stuffed animals and whatever else he can find on top of himself and tuning out the world when he gets upset or sad.  The first week or two we moved into our house and he wasn't sleeping in the same room as Aaron for the first time he slept under his bed which I think made him feel safe.  He finally stopped doing that when we told him he could take his mattress out of his room and bring it into Aaron's room.

A couple days ago, when Derek told me that Jeff was buried under blankets and holed up in his sleeping bag, I went to see what happened.

I asked Jeff if he was OK.  He clearly wasn't.  He was extremely sad and holding onto his favorite teddy bear in a death grip.  He told me he was feeling sad as tears welled up in his eyes.  I asked him if he wanted a hug.  Although he sometimes doesn't want affection he welcomed a hug.

My mind started to race as to what was happening.  I wondered what big issue I was going to have to address.  Our cat is very old and sick and we have talked about death.  I thought maybe he realized that Derek and I are mortal and will be gone one day.  Maybe he realized HE will be gone one day.  Could that be it?  Maybe this COVID-19 pandemic was getting to him.  We just found out a few days ago school is cancelled for the rest of the year.  Could he be sad about that?  Maybe he's upset because he can't see his teachers or his friends?  What new, complex, problem with no solution would I have to explain before noon?

"Can you tell me what's making you sad?" I asked.

He nodded.

"What's up?" I gently asked.

The tears started to flow.  In a strained voice he managed to say, "Aaron gave away his bear and that's my bear's best friend!"

(Whew.  This I can handle.  This isn't a death/pandemic/origin of life level kind of question.)

Aaron, who wanted more stuffed animals, had agreed to get rid of some that he didn't want and replace them with new ones.  Luckily Derek had packed them up but hadn't gotten around to donating and/or tossing them.  So bear's best friend is in the trunk of the car.

Bear and bear's best friend (neither of whom have names more descriptive than "bear" are now back together again.